Liberate • Harry Styles

thirty one.

I managed to sleep in my car that night, having no will at all to call and book a flight home. My eyes failed to open as I became immersed in my thoughts. My body was numb, unable to feel or exist with nature. My senses were dulled and I barely had any energy to revive them.

I cried until it felt like the tears ran out, and although my outer body was without feeling, my insides were on fire. My heart felt like it was plunged with a knife, and my stomach felt like it was twisted around a spiky sphere. To say my brain was overrun with distraught would be the closest possible explanation to the utter heartbreak I was experiencing.

When I finally got up the energy to open my heavy, stinging eyelids, I sat up with purpose. I needed to escape the confines of my car. Even though it gave me the sanctity I needed at the time, just looking at the green rolling hills of England made me want to puke.

I felt a strong buzzing at my thigh and I came to realize that it was my cellphone. Slowly, I pulled out the electronic and answered it, dead eyes staring ahead at the empty field where my car was stopped.

I waited, not bothering to answer. Crackling sounded on the other end of the line before a clear female voice cut through. "Violet? Are you okay?"

"Jackie." I barely murmured.

"I heard about you and Harry." I could hear her hesitate on the other end of the line.

"How?" I asked.

"How?" She repeated.

"How? How did you find out?" I asked quietly.

"I don't think it's that important - "

"Jackie. How did you find out?" I repeated, life still missing from my body but a slight curiosity peaking inside me.

"It's Harry." Jackie said. "He was found outside a bar last night around his cottage area. He was completely wasted, incoherent, and not visibly well. Judging on the fact that you weren't there, the press drew their own opinions and they were too logical to ignore."

"What do you expect me to do, Jackie?" I asked, my eyes drifting down to the keys in the ignition. I slowly turned the key and the engine roared to life.

"I need you to come back. Simon still wants you on."

"Are you kidding me?" I asked, a desperate laugh escaping my throat. I began my drive to nowhere in particular, but my empty mind prompted my anxious hands to work. "I am freshly broken up with whom I'm sure is the absolute love of my life. And now you are asking me to fly all the way home and quiet down the situation?"

"Not exactly quiet." Jackie said meekly. "Rather, I need you to speak about it. Spin it in your Violet way. I wouldn't make you do this today, Vi. Really I wouldn't. It's just that Simon has lit a fire under my ass and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

I sighed in defeat and turned the car around, directing my point of destination as the airport. "You've now given me no chance to feel, to grieve. I guess I just don't have that luxury anymore."

"Vi, you know it's not like that." Jackie protested.

"Goodbye, Jackie." I shut her down. "I'll see you in London."

***

My plane settled into Heathrow and I waited outside for the car Simon was supposed to send me. I had spoken with him briefly when I was waiting for my plane and he had set me up with my own apartment in the heart of downtown - conveniently a ten minute walk from Syco.

Normally, I would be overjoyed at the prospect of living own my own. But just thinking about coming home to an empty bed every night made me want to sleep outside for all eternity.