Love to Seperate

Journal Entries

December 16th 2010, Draco's Journal

I am going back home tomorrow. I tried asking mother if I could stay at school this holiday, she said she missed me too much and father insists on my return, which doesn't really make sense. All he cares about is smacking me around as his gift, downing our best bottles of alcohol, and having his friends over. Aka playing hex poker with the worst of the worst from the ministry. I hate Christmas. Father always gets drunk and mother always cries and I always end up in pain. I don't want to go home.

Harry is staying at school. Which makes sense, his family is like mine except everyone is awful and no one understands him, he has his cousin I suppose but that is really no salvation to him; at my house I at least have my mother whispering to me in hushed tones about how it will all be okay. Ten years of his life Harry didn't have that. All of his memorable life has been filled with lies until he came to Hogwarts. I told him not to miss me too much, but he probably won't. I'll most likely be the one wanting to just hang out with him. He has Weasley to hang out with over break, so I assume he'll be fine. Even so, I told him I'd write every day and he agreed he would as well.

Speaking of Harry he gave me the strangest little thing today. It's a Saturday so we were able to spend most the day in the RoR together. We had a nice fire going and were talking about quidditch when he seemed startled and excited. He reached into his back pockets and pulled out a woven red and gold bracelet. he called it a 'friendship bracelet' he learned about it from the muggles. He seems to think that the woven strings are enough to hold together a friendship with me. He is so odd. When I asked him why he gave it to me he smiled to himself for a moment before replying. "I was hoping you could maybe come support me at a quidditch game sometime. I don't expect you to wear Gryffindor colours on a scarf of course just, wear this? You only have to come to the Slytherin vs. Gryffindor ones so it's less obvious but-" he paused to tie the little bracelet around my wrist. "I would be a lot happier seeing your face in the stands." He smiled at me and I blushed. BLUSHED I tell you! What an odd feeling.

December 17th 2010, Draco's Journal

I've already sent Harry a letter. I started it on the train ride home, I was sitting in my compartment with goon one and two and the flashbacks started. What will my father will do if he knows I could fall in love with Potter? What would he do if he knew we're friends. He shouldn't find out, there's absolutely no way he could know unless Pansy said something, but I know she wouldn't, if not because of her loyalty to me (which, albeit, is not too strong of a bond) then because of what I know things about her names, and she KNOWS how much I love to blackmail people. As thoughts of my father ravish my mind I let myself be distracted by pressing my forehead against the cold window pane most of the ride. Just letting the cold rush into my head and freeze over the thoughts that were blowing in.

Crabbe decided he was clever enough to talk to me. He tried talking to me about all the gifts he wanted and of course Goyle had to chip in on what he wanted. THEN they wanted to know what I wanted. I couldn't tell them of course but- all I want for Christmas is to be with Harry Potter. I want to play wizard chess with him in the Room of Requirements, I want to drink tea and hot cocoa, I want to practice new spells with him since he is bloody rubbish at the basics since he was raised with muggles. I would even hang out with the Weasel boy since there is no one at school to see and go blabbing to father.

As the train went on I tried to forget about my father by talking to the goons, it was such an empty conversation though, I found myself thinking about father more. With those two, no matter how hard you try to have an educated conversation, they find a way to make it stupid again. I could talk about Merlin's greatest accomplishments and they would find a way to bring the conversation to 'The most disgusting flavour of Bertie Botts that they are willing to try for a galleon'. I hate them.

Something odd happened. I had on a sweater and from underneath the sleeves I felt this burning feeling. Like someone was lighting both of my wrists on fire at the same time. I pulled up my sleeves and- it's so weird. One of the letters in Harry's name moved wrists. I gasped and had to hide it with a fake cough so Crabbe and Goyle wouldn't notice. But I still don't know what it means.

 The rest of the train ride was uneventful. Pansy was in our compartment for a bit, asking about having a spell date (A/N: Wizard version of a play date) but she suggested to have it at my house so I had to decline. I guess I could have suggested we have it at her house, but- I feel that is too intrusive and strange, seeing as she offered the spell date up. If it were to be held at her house I think it could be nice, because I'll probably get lonely. I didn't realize how much time I have been spending with Potter but now that I can't see him every day. I have no one (The goons simply aren't an option). 

~~

I've been home for about an hour now. Nothing much has happened, but father isn't home yet, so who knows what will happen when he gets her. I am terrified to say the least. I feel so vulnerable, I expected school to be like lower level wizarding school was- The only reason people would talk to me would be because they feared me. I thought everyone would know me as "Lucius Malfoy's son" and hate me, after all, I AM the son of a death eater. No matter how much he denies it to the ministry I know what he has done. When things get really bad around here I can see it in his eyes. Hatred, disgust, loathing, and a tiny bit of shame. though I doubt he is shameful over anything he has done as a death eater, or to me. No, if my father is shameful over anything it is about what he does to my mother. I know he loves her, somewhere in his stone cold heart. Sometimes I just wish he loved me too.

Be right back, father is home and if I don't greet him at the door I'll be in big trouble.

~~

When father walked in he just shook my hand and smiled at me saying "I heard that Pansy is your soul mate! Not bad, her family is pretty decent, they have good money too, good choice" I tried to interject "But I didn't choose..." but he cut me off with a sharp glare, and a slow "Good job son."

I assume Pansy told her parents that we had each others names... As if it will solve any problems, eventually they will find out and we will both be in for it. I do appreciate what she is trying to do though. She's a good friend, Potter doesn't like her too much, he thinks she is 'shady' or something along those lines. Pansy can be a bother at times, but Potter doesn't know her like I do. I hope that someday I can get them to know each other and trust each other, I've known Pansy for a long time and she's a close friend of mine; and of course Potter is important to me too. I think those two are the only ones who have cared about me besides my own mother. If I introduce Pansy to Potter... I assume he'll make me get to know Weasel, which could be okay I guess.

All the talk of Pansy and soul mates and love has got me to thinking... I don't think I like girls. Not at all. The other day I was sitting in the great hall and Dean Thomas was walking by, and I had my back to him but as he was walking by I heard his voice and in my head there was this warning bell and I just swiveled around to see him. Did I mention Dean has a really nice voice? I feel good discovering this stuff so young, I know that most people are half grown and they still don't understand themselves so it's good that I'm starting to learn and think now. Maybe I should be thankful to father. I guess I owe him for giving me the ability to think like this, like I'm not still a child. I don't know if I should thank him or run from him. 

Remember how earlier I said that I wish he loved me? I also wish I didn't love him. I feel like I owe him so much but I hate that. I feel like he will always be a part of me, and he probably will. 

Christmas is coming soon, the time of year that always reminds me why father is so awful. Father has every day until January 2nd off. Which means that I cannot escape. I can hide, but I cannot escape. I know that my Christmas is what other kids dream about. In fact, Potter says he hardly even gets Christmas gifts, or a celebration for that matter since his family is insane. But with father it's for all appearances, he'll get me lots of things that I do not need, make me smile, take a photo then smack me around to make himself feel good, that's my gift to him. 

I hate the holidays.