Whispers of a Killer

Late night visitors

"And if I don't?" I ask, a little too caught up in the silliness of the moment, so I don't stop to think about the fact that I'm supposed to be afraid of him. 

"Do you really want to know the answer to that?" Jeff asks, the tone in his voice letting me know that 'fun time' is over. Or at least, that's how it sounds to me.

"Oh, right. I forgot." I sigh, rolling my eyes. "You like to threaten me." In too bad a mood to continue playing around either way, I get up and carry Blu up to the bedroom with me. I think he is trying to say something to me, but I don't hear him. The reality of my situation hit me again, and I remember the fact that I'm not supposed to be having fun, I'm not supposed to be happy here. 

The rest of my daylight hours are spent absently staring at the ceiling with Blu on my stomach. It also hits me now, the fact that I've been for a really long time. I missed Christmas, I missed my siblings' birthdays, I have missed so much. It crosses my mind, the question of whether or not my family misses me or not. The way we didn't always get along, I'm not so sure...

Absently, as I stare off to the side, the words of a song come to mind. And so..I do what I usually do when I'm depressed.. It starts, with a soft hum; followed by slow mumbling of the words as I remember them. 

  "..If I got locked away, and we lost it all today...Tell me honestly...Would you still love me the same?" the first few words come out as a sigh, mostly because I am still working on recalling the words in the right order - sometimes, my mind likes to mix songs up and sometime it likes to mix songs together, leaving me with an almost never-ending loop of randomness playing as the soundtrack in my head.

" If I showed you my flaws... If I couldn't be strong, tell me honestly.. Would you still love me the same?" The next few parts of the song come easier, though I do still get stuck on some words.  "..Right about now...If a judge for life me...Would you stay by my side?Or is ya gonna say good-bye?Can you tell me right now?If I couldn't buy you the fancy things in life..um.. Shawty, would it be alright..?  Come and show me that you are down.. ah-ha.."  

I'm sure I don't sound very good right now, but Blu seems so calm right now. Almost like he doesn't mind my singing. Then again, he keeps licking my chin or the side of my face any time that I stop, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to interpret that. 

 After a few minutes, I can hear the words coming from my soft, whispered voice again. "..Now tell me would you really ride for me? ...Would you really ride for me?... Baby, tell me would you die for me?...Tell me, would you die for me...?" 

 "..Would you...Would you spend your whole life with me? ..What's up?... Would you be there....Um," I have to stop again, my mind is blanking on me. It is probably because singing this song always makes me cry. It's a good way to get out my emotions; if I'm not already in tears, then it puts me there. 

"...Would you be there, to always hold me down? ...Tell me, would you really cry for me..?  Would you... really cry for me..?" For a moment, my voice trails off, and I have to clear my throat. I've noticed it's taking longer to get my voice warmed up, but I think that's from how long I spent being sick; and the fact that I've just more recently started to get better.

 "..Baby, don't lie to me.. baby, don't lie to me... If I didn't have anything... What's up?.. I wanna know, would you stick around..? "  With every 'What's up?' I feel like some part of me is asking my family what's up. What's going on with them, what they're doing; how they're doing. 

"If I got locked away, and we lost it all today...Tell me honestly...Would you still love me the same?... If I showed you my flaws, if I couldn't be strong.... Tell me honestly. Would you still love me the same..?"  These words end with me sniffling again, and Blu licking away my tears. He has such deeply soulful eyes, I never noticed until now. The way Blu reacts to me, I almost feel like he actually knows how I'm feeling right now.