after alice; book three {5sos}

eleven

some mothers to-be discover they are pregnant weeks after they conceive whereas others find out only days after.

i close the tab and log off the public computer, hearing the footsteps of detective louisa.

i rest the heel of my hand against my chin and glance at the coffee cup placed beside me.

"here," louisa says. "drink this up." she sits beside me, smiling at me with bright eyes. she sees me, her facade disappearing. "what's wrong?"

"what if the baby is louis'?" i ask her.

"well," she slowly says. "i guess we will know soon enough. when did you last have sex with him?"

"two weeks ago." i murmer.

she doesn't say a word, silence enveloping and wrapping itself around us.

she sighs and sits beside me on the office chair, the air of the office thick and suffocating.

"if it is his," she slowly says, choosing her words carefully. "then there are options. always remember there are options and that i will always be here too. i've pretty much been assigned to you."

i try to crack a small smile and nod through the numbness.

"all i want is a piece of luke though."

"i know you do," i feel the palm of her hand near my shoulders. "and i hope it is his. i'm hoping for you, okay?"

i place the palm of my hand on my lower stomach. "i can't believe i'm pregnant," i whisper. "i don't know whether to be terrified or excited."

"be both, sophia."

i spend the rest of the afternoon dwelling on yesterday's appointment and scrolling through apartment listings.

"what about here?" i point to the computer screen as detective louisa sits and files through different cases, every so often stamping them.

"how much is it?" she squints at the screen from her desk.

"affordable," i shrug. "once i've sold my mum's house anything will be affordable."

when detective louisa leaves, i make my way to the cafeteria and fall asleep with my forehead resting against the table, an uneaten sandwich at my side. i jolt as soon as i hear her voice, wearily wiping at my eyes.

"the investigators just got back from the crime scene," detective louisa informs me. her cheeks flush and she shakes her head. "i mean the cabin, i'm sorry."

i don't say a word, discreetly swallowing to rid of the fear lodged in my throat.

"you were never told this," she slowly says, sitting beside me in the deadly quiet cafeteria of the police station where i spend the majority of my time before returning back to the hostel. "but the first body we found at the second fairground was that of christopher, one of the brother's who went missing ago all those years ago."

my eyes trace the table, her voice ringing in my ears. why me? all i can think is, why did all this have to happen to me?

"and i have been sent confidential photographs of the scene and i can confirm that it is louis, the other of the two brothers. i have sat and compared the child photographs of him from the posters appealing for him. that is him, there's no doubt about it. obviously we will confirm with dna but i just thought you ought to know."

i don't say a word and begin to pick at my uneaten sandwich.

"you are not in trouble for the crime," she tells me with assurance. "these men were very dangerous men. you were simply using self defence as a mechanism of escape. you may be called on trial by the court to plead guilty or innocent but if this does happen then i assure you that i, along with my team, and the team in your hometown, will be beside you every step of the way. it probably won't happen though... i- let's say that their mother isn't in the most appropriate state."

"what do you mean?" i manage to say.

"she's... still the same from when her children went missing. the whole thing broke her and i remember every detail of the case before it eventually died out. i'm not sure if she's aware about everything that has happened but-"

"i want to see her."

i don't recognise the fractured, rough whisper that equally surprises me. louisa looks back at me, her face contorted in a state of confusion, horror and disbelief.

"why?" is all she can reply with, her eyes bright with bewilderment.

"because," i slowly say, straightening myself. "because she deserves to know what they did. i- i just want to see her."

i know that what i'm saying is unbelievable and absolutely crazy bur part of me needs the closure. i need to close this fucking book and never turn the front cover again. i need all the answers that i can get before i finally give up.

i already feel like wishing for my lungs to collapse or to die from heartache, so having the closure i deserve before i finally give up won't hurt, surely?

"you do realise she may ask you to plead guilty or-"

"i realise that," i whisper. "and i have nothing to lose."

"maybe one day, sophia." louisa sighs, standing up. "i'll drive you back to the hostel in an hour, is that all right?"

i mutely shrug, giving her a small smile.