after alice; book three {5sos}

thirteen

parting the venetian blinds, the sunlight pouring into my apartment in rays, i cast my eye on joe climbing into his blue car. but he's not alone, i already know it. i listen for the sound of the engine starting, but it never comes.

after a prolonged moment that seems to stretch itself out, the car door opens once again and joe climbs out. i let go of the venetian blind and take a step back as soon as i notice the other side of the car opening. the room is submerged in the same shadowed light as before, the slits in the blinds casting a golden glow onto the living area floor.

i panic, waiting for the knock of the door. parting the blinds again, i realise that they haven't changed sides, but they are really coming back into my apartment block.

and then the knock. the exact same knock as before, however less tentative and reluctant.

i'm paralysed, not wanting to answer the door. all i want to do is be alone with myself in my new apartment, but it's always too good to be true.

"sophia, please open up." joe's soft and persuasive pleas pour through the crack under the door. he's my cousin, afterall, but i can't face anyone. i can't admit to him that i'm pregnant in case he speculates, and i can't face another person who i'm not familiar with, not at this moment in time.

"i need to talk to you, properly this time. i was going to get back in that car, you know," he pauses. "but i decided to come back up. i was persuaded by a friend i've just made through travelling and... you may know her. i don't know if you do, but she thinks she may have met you before."

the curiousity eats away at me and i place my hand on the door knob, swallowing but feeling like i'm about to choke on the anticipation.

"just open up, will you? i promise you i'm not bad news or..." he trails off as soon as i slowly and gently open the door a crack. i begin to open it wider, casting my eye on the girl beside the concerned looking joe.

"sophia," her voice is low, almost astonished. "i thought it might be you."

penny.

her dark hair is thrown up into a knot on the top of her head like it was the first time i met her, if briefly.

"penny." my voice is low too, full of astonishment and surprise. my lips begin to shape many different questions as i glance at joe again.

"it's a small world, i guess," she smiles warmly at me. "i convinced joe to come back up. you deserve better than a cousin who bails on you."

without saying a word, i step back and let them into the apartment. they both gently smile, feeling like they are finally getting somewhere.

"when did you move in?" penny asks, looking at the cardboard boxes placed in clusters around the living area.

"less than an hour ago." i feebly smile. i don't know why they are here again, but i'm willing to give them a chance.

"i met penny through travelling a few days ago at the hostel. i've spent a few days searching for your whereabouts and now i've finally found you."

i shyly nod and gesture for them to sit on the sofa, humiliated when remembering how i acted towards joe only five minutes ago.

we sit together, i explain i would offer them a drink if anything was unpacked, and i explain to them as much as i can about everything that has happend to me. i skim over parts, miss the parts that hurt too much to explain and parts that are still raw. i nod with understanding and penny often flinches with sympathy, knowing she slept in the same room with a stranger who had lived a nightmare and that she wasn't able to do anything.

"oh god," joe lets out a shaky breath, sitting back. "i didn't know about any of this. not to this extent anyway. i read about it in the news but they don't explain it like you do."

"because they weren't there." i say, my voice almost a whisper.

i explain about the pregnancy, resting my hand against my stomach the whole time. when i begin to stumble over my words, penny glances at my hand and i notice she holds her breath for a brief moment.

"is it... the boy who you loved, or..." she quietly asks me.

"i don't know," i honestly tell her. "no body knows. not until the dna can tell me."

"and are they starting to look at the dna?"

"they can't, not until the baby is born. if they took a blood sample from the baby," i painfully explain. "then it could risk a termination of the pregnancy."

my words are followed by silence.

"are you going to abort?" joe tentatively asks.

"no," i quietly choke out, averting my eyes to my hands in my lap. "i have a feeling that he or she is luke's. i want it to be. i don't want to throw away the opportunity to have a piece of luke."

they both nod, penny glancing at the clock on the wall even though it needs the batteries changing. i've probably made them uncomfortable and ready to leave.

"do you have a pen and paper?" penny asks me, to which i shake my head. she asks my phone, which i hand her, feeling perplexed, carefully watching her create a new contact for herself in my phone.

"if you ever need anything," she clearly says. "please call me, or text me. anything."

joe does the same, creating a new contact for himself in my phone. it feels like this circle of isolation that i've become trapped in has shrunk ever so slightly.

"thank you both," i tell them. "just for listening to me. and... for understanding."

penny shifts in her seat and leans across the coffee table to wrap her arms around me. her embrace feels refreshing and comforting and i smile with the prospect of not being lonely and unhappy forever like i thought afterall.

before they leave, i hug them both again. once the door is shut, the warmth seems to be sucked out of the apartment but i still feel less lonely than before.

this hope sparks my impulse to make a call, one that will hopefully give me some closure that i need.

"louisa," i say into my phone. "i think it might be time."