after alice; book three {5sos}

eighteen

the park bench is hard beneath me, the pallid sun that keeps dipping behind the thick clouds washing over me in waves of heat. apart from the cloudy sky, i can still see the blue. i've always thought that the end of summer is the prettiest. the sky is always more blue, before the crispness of the air arrives, and the sun always shines brighter. when the sun sets the sky is always more vividly pinker, with streaks of oranges and purples. everything is prettier. everything glows.

and i know the first fall of the leaves will come soon, and i will roll these wheels through piles and piles of dead, auburn leaves. they will be swept aside by the park gardener, and when it rains they will stick to the pathway and these wheels, causing a hazard for many people. but in autumn too, when the plants are wilting in fear of winter, and the trees are shedding their hope, i know that it can still look pretty. there is still beauty in the bitter air and the cloudless skies, even if my fingers go numb.

i have forgot about the years of loneliness and the date that marks the day that everything fell apart. it simply doesn't matter to me anymore, not in the horrific and pain inducing way it used to. it's not like an open wound anymore, that needs to avoid all of the outside elements.

i've grown to accept what has happened to me, and with that i have grown.

my hand firmly grasps the bar to my left, gently rocking backwards and forwards. i glance toward my hand, a small smile flickering over my face. my eyes avert towards the woods in the far distance, the sun glowing on them and the children playing infront of them in the most ethereal way. nothing seems real anymore. the ground is dappled with the light from the gaps in the cluster of leaves on the trees, and the final summer flowers are reaching for the sky with strength in their stems.

a young girl in a green jacket walks past me, her hand holding onto the boy's beside her. they stride past me, her eyes locking with mine. she gives me a warm smile before looking back ahead of her again, before i can even manage a smile back.

ahead of me, where the woods lie, i realise lie all of my secrets and my fears. if i was to burn those woods, i would feel relieved. but i don't need those woods, that thrive in the warm breeze and in the sunlight, and are most likely dark and sardonic when the sun falls, to make me feel like i still have secrets and fears. with myself alone, i have been able to well and truly push those aside.

i keep pushing my hand backwards and forwards, the action monotonous and already in my nature. i glance across again, tiny dark eyes looking at me with all the love in the world. my eyes trace the petite ski-slope nose and i have to fight the impulse to gently brush the tip of my finger against the button nose. my heart alights when i glance into the pram, all the love within me swelling. i reach out, brushing aside a curl of blonde hair. a babble slips out of the tiny lips as soon as my fingers adjust the blue bow wrapped around a tuft of hair.

i feel a presence beside me, but as i turn my head, no body is sat there. the final summer flowers quiver at my feet as the warm breeze picks up, my eyes involuntarily closing against the wind.

"hello." i smile into the pram again, my finger gently stroking the pink cheeks. i check the time, feeling relieved that i don't have to be anywhere in a hurry. i could sit here forever, on this bench, and still feel content.

i turn my head again to where i felt the presence of somebody and realise that penny and joe are walking towards me, along the pathway, chatting thoughtfully together. joe has his hand wrapped around penny's. i can't help but smile, hoping they will notice me sat alone on the park bench and that they will hopefully join me. well of course they will; they have both been there for me through everything.