Ruby//J.D

Inaudible Trust Issues

Because I don't talk much, I have some issues with the way I speak. I have a little speech impediment. I stutter and mumble words a lot. There are times where I can control it, but other times I can't.

My old therapist said that this speech impediment was just a side effect from my anxiety. I can understand that. She said that I won't exactly have it forever just as long as I work on it.

Obviously I haven't been working on it lately, but it'll get better. I haven't told josh about this, but I can feel that he's going to ask soon.

I would usually push it aside and answer it later, but I don't think I can do that now.

Lunch time came around. It's just josh and I at the table. Tyler is always late. He's a basketball boy, so he's kept back.

"So, Bee. What do you think about this?" Josh asked.

I was staring at nothing in particular. Just sucked into my head. I wasn't paying attention to Josh's question until he kicked my leg gently.

"Hmm?" I responded. "Okay, I've done this algebra problem over and over, but I don't think it's right. Is it?" I looked at it.

It was kinda hard to see because josh erased numbers and numbers that the remains were stuck on the paper.

"Sorry, I'm not so good with algebra." I smiled and nodded. "Did I get it right?" He asked. I nodded.

Josh looked relieved. He closed his notebook and on the cover it said "I Hate Algebra" in Josh's handwriting.

I laughed and pointed at it. He laughed too.

"Are you not talking today, Bee?" I shrugged my shoulders. I'm fine talking to josh. But when we're surrounded by a lot of kids, it makes me feel pressured in a way.

"Why not?" He asked. I looked around and leaned forward to his ear. "There's a lot of people around." I whispered.

"So? They won't hear you." I sighed.
"I know, but I just don't want to. That s'all." I whispered.

"Why don't you like talking?" I laughed. "Why are you so nosy?" I asked out loud. Quiet enough for josh to hear. "I just am. So answer the question." He responds.

"I have reasons." I teased. He leaned forward on his elbows. "Reasons?" I nodded with a grin. "What reasons?"

I chuckled. "Reasons upon reasons. With decisions and intentions that I may or may not let you know." I said taking a bite of my apple.

"You just Dr. Seuss'd that up!" He said amused. "But it didn't rhyme." I laughed while rolling my eyes casually.

"So?" I just smiled. "No, seriously. Did you just make that up?"

I don't usually open up to people like this. But josh... josh is different.

"Yeah. I actually write a little poetry." I realized I was avoiding eye contact. When people look at me in the eyes, it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel as if they're pointing out my every flaw and seeing all my fears.

"You write poetry? That's so cool. I'll have to read one sometime."

"No!" I said a little too quickly. Josh was surprised by my sudden response. "I-I'm sorry. It's a personal thing." He just nodded.

"Sorry for asking." He said. "No, No, Josh. You don't have to apologize. I didn't mean to-" I quickly shut my mouth when Tyler came to the table.

I'm not as close to Tyler as I am to josh. I'm not very close to josh either but he's the closest thing I've got to a friend. So I'll take the chance