Perfect Ruin

18. Ruin

J A X ' S P O V

I've ruined everything.

    I sit at the steps of Sienna's front porch, my face buried in my hands. Questions run through my mind, all of them I don't have the answer to or if I do, refuse to accept them for what they are. A string of curse words blast out of me. Fucking hell, how did I manage to fuck shit up so bad with Sienna?

    I've never seen her get this angry with me before. With a panty-melting grin and a few sweet nothings, I can never fail to make her smile again and forgive me. My hold on her has been so powerful; I'm invincible when it comes to her.

    But not tonight.

    Tonight, I've never felt more broken.

    Her words rang true to me. Of the lies I've told her. Of the secrets that I've kept hidden from her. Of my entire life, I've painted for her—only to realize that it was all a facade. I've never wanted her to see the cracks in my armor. I've always wanted her to see what I wanted her to see about me—someone who was strong, capable, untouchable. Someone who had everything he ever wanted and nothing less of that.

    Tonight, my facade has completely shattered.

    Tonight, she saw who I really was—a liar. A manipulator.

    A monster.

    A humorless, dry laugh escapes my lips.

    Why am I not surprised at this? Throughout my whole life, I've managed to fuck up everything and anyone who'd even come close to loving me.

    My dad hates me. My mom refuses to speak to me. My stepfather lashes out at me whenever he wishes because he knows what a screwed up stepson I am.

    This is why I never get attached. This is why I just fuck and leave. I never commit; it's too much of a burden. Because I know nobody would be able to cure the demons inside of me. One look beneath this dark soul and fractured layers and it sends them running.

    And they always go running.

    No fucking doubt.

    Why did I even will myself to believe that things might be different with Sienna? Sure, she was unlike any other girl I've ever met. Her soul was like mine—sinister, damaged. If anyone could understand where I came from, it would be her. And I guess she did, in a way. Perhaps that was why she tolerated me for so long now. Countless of times, she has tried to reach out to me. Save me.

    But what she doesn't know is I can't be saved.

    I'm not who she thinks I am.

    I'm worse.

    I'm a rogue flame. A piece of hardened flesh with no love to give. Cleansing me will only do more harm than good.

    The darkness isn't inside of me; it has become me.

    I'm Jax Deneris and I was born to wither and burn.

    I don't belong to anyone. I'm wild. Deranged. Untamable.

    If I can't change for Sienna, I might as well stop trying before I lose myself again.

    It's about damn time I've learnt to embrace the darkness inside of me

    and

    be

    wicked.

    Suddenly, I find myself at the front door again. I curl my hand into a fist and pound on the door.

    Knock.

    Knock.

    Knock.

    I know who will answer.

    I'm counting on it.

    And when I see the familiar flash of white-blonde hair and bright blue, doe-like eyes, a twisted grin forms on my face.

    "Jax?" Beth whispers. "I thought you left—"

    "Yeah, well, I'm back again."

    She shrugs. "I don't think Sienna wants to see you right now—"

    "That's fine," I say, reaching forward to tug a stray hair behind her ear. I step forward and I can already feel how much of an effect I've had on her with just that minute gesture. Heightened breathing. Lips parted open. Eyes wide and curious, but hopeful. A part of me screams don't do it! You'll never recover from this! but I shove the voice away. and lock it in a cage deep within depths of me. I'm done trying to be good. I wasn't made to love; I was made to destroy. And destroy I will. "I'm here to see you. Care to let me in, Elizabeth?"

***

A/N: Hello, my lovelies! Sorry for being completely MIA. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I've been so caught up with life that I forgot I still had you guys. But I'm back and I wanna make up for it! 

The next chapter WILL BE THE LAST CHAPTER OF THIS BOOK. I'm pretty sad that Jax and Kayden and Sienna's story is finally coming to an end with the end of Perfect Ruin but I'm grateful for the constant support that u guys have given me to flesh out these characters that I've loved and adored for years now. Their story is almost done, it's crazy!

Stay tuned for the last chapter, which will be posted sometime this week!

Love you so much, my Dia-hards!

Claudia.