The long Goodbye

before the darkness came

Eight years ago my grandmother sadly developed dementia and sadly passed away

I went on this journey with her,I didn't want her to be alone on this rollercoaster that she would inevitably never be able to get off,it drove me to tears most days,frustration because of the disbelief that "my strong independent nan was literally day by day being taken over by this evil darkness,this black cloud of pain,this fog in her brain,the helplessness,and utter sadness and disbelief it consumed my life for the long five years she had it,I allowed it to consume me.

I never let her see I felt all of these things I never once buckled under pressure in front of her or cried a tear I did that at home,she didn't need to see me cry......she was the one in the real pain this was her life she had to live it every single day,I still had my faculties and I wasn't tormented every living hour as she was no I was just there to help and guide her through it.

Im not saying it was easy oh no it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life except for when I nearly lost my mother but my nan was like a mother also which made it a million times worse,obviously this is a very private part of my life and I did think long and hard the past few months actually if I was strong enough to write it,to relive it in my head,could I visit that place?could I allow myself to go back to that time?.

after all three years have passed since I lost her I'm still grieving still in shock that she actually left us but I think what pushes me to want to write it is this........it happens to people every day now,it's becoming more and more common,people are developing alzheimer's as young as 50 years old now and I think there's a stigma attached to this disease,I have seen family's that just Cant cope or are embaressed by it,but there is no need to feel that way.

there is so much help out there now whether you want to care for your loved one yourself or unable to there are people to turn too and facilities for your loved ones if you know you physically and mentally can't care for them yourself,I have worked in the care sector I have cared for the elderly amongst other patients and I have seen it all the pain of family's having to give up on caring for there loved one as they just can't cope anymore.

family's that all have full time jobs and can't give up work to care for there loved one,family's that for want of a better word don't even want to try to care for there loved one,I've seen the devastation when the family have to leave there loved one In a care facility,the tears and the guilt,I've seen the elderly people who although have this disease and some might say won't remember being left there they do sometimes......depending on how far into the disease they are obviously but there could be a few minutes of realisation that they have been left there when having a lucid moment.

I have never judged any families that have chose to not look after there loved one themselves,and that was before I experienced it within my own family,I knew how difficult it was to care for them in a care facility where there is considerably more people than there would be if the family had them at home,it should never be underestimated just how caring for a loved one at home can absolutely mentally and physically exhaust the carer,it's one person or more depending on the help you may have off family or social services is caring for loved one twenty four hours a day then it's really going to take its toll.

I myself have left work after a long shift whether it be a day or a night shift physically drained and that is with other staff to help also so I know,I have the knowledge from working in the job and the knowledge of caring for a loved one myself,did I ever think whilst working with this disease I'd ever see it in my own family?no never ever did I think that nor did I want to even contemplate it,I never thought it would happen to my family,somebody I loved but oh boy it did and what I will say is no amount of experience I gathered whistle working in that field would prepare me for the challenge I was about to face.......