The long Goodbye

life before the darkness took over

Just a brief account of the person my nan was before she developed dementia as too show it really can and sadly does happen to anyone and it should always be feared........

My nan was born in 1926 the first of ten children,she gave up school at 14 to help her mother look after the other children and to help with the cleaning and cooking and other duties around the home,nothing was too much trouble for her,her mother taught her to sew,knit,crochet,bake and every other task she would need to know in life,she went above and beyond the call of duty as a daughter.

As she got older she started work in a gelatine factory working hard once again then she met her future husband the only man she had ever been with and ever loved and she went on to have her first child then her second then her third all boys,her second son had a few problems when he was born and the doctor told her he would be deaf and dumb (in the doctors words)it's not a term I like but that was those days,her son was also born with perthes disease and she was told he would be in a wheelchair unable to walk by the time he's in his forties,he had to spend alot of time in hospital due to this disease and also he had to have irons on his legs.

my nan relentlessly taught her son to speak and to learn how to read,he wasn't deaf as the doctor first said and he certainly wasn't dumb by any stretch of the imagination,you can see the utter determination in her already willing her child to talk and read,she wasn't going to give up on him,when her son would go to his father and try to speak he would say "oh go and ask your mother I don't know what your saying"she persevered you see.

a few years pass and she then decides to bring her brothers child up meaning her family of five went very quickly to six,I cant really go in to the why's or what's but my nan offered to bring this baby her niece up,she took her in at six weeks old and she classed her as her own child from that day forward,her husband was elated,he always wanted a daughter and her son's adored the new addition and spoilt her rotten,so it was a perfect set up.

The child grew up to call her mum and her husband dad,she still saw her real father on occasion but my nan and grandad was her mum and dad in her eyes and they always were she really loved them,so you can see how selfless and kind and of course how strong my nan was and she was always on the go always active,she brought all her children up and they left home except the son she relentlessly taught to read and write and speak.

He had turned out brilliantly despite what the doctor told her when he was born,he was perfectly fine and like all her other children,he learnt to drive and qualified as an electrician,all down to my nan I think she was determined to prove that doctor wrong,her son was not deaf and dumb as he so coldly said,and of course he wasn't he grew up to be like any other guy except obviously he had perthes disease which that doctor did get right.

He has never let it stop him from doing anything in life (and even today at sixty six years old he is still fine and active and not in a wheelchair as predicted by this doctor)and it was he who was my nans main carer,and he willingly did it because of everything she did for him.

Once her children had left and had family's of there own she then had nine grandchildren five of which was myself and my four siblings and she treated us like her own children she was very active always with us all took us on day trips and always doing something with us,even came on holiday with us with our parents,always busy always active always independent,she played a huge part in our lives and did an awful lot for us more than I suspect normal grandmothers would be prepared to do possibly.

Then her great grandchildren came along and she was exactly the same as she was with us she did so much with them and bare in mind she was alot older then,I remember her being with her great granddaughter on her knees on the floor in the sitting room colouring in a colouring book with her she was eighty years old!,she never gave up on anything she would try anything and do anything she was physically fit,a heart as strong as an ox her doctor said,all she had was mild diabetes and arthritis.

Her hair even at eighty years old was still the colour it always had been it was light brown,not one grey hair did she have,it was remarkable,she was remarkable,you would always find her in the kitchen the heart of the home,as soon as you stepped foot in the house the smell of food hit you!,lamb,ham,beef,soup you name it she cooked it and an amazing cook she was,always in there with her apron on (or pinny as she called it)she made the most amazing homemade pies the counters in the kitchen would be full of meat and potato pies,cheese pies,jam tarts,and we would all be stood in the kitchen mouth watering looking at all this food.

Anything she cooked was amazing and the whole family just loved it we all always took pies home or food she made for us,We were addicted to nans food,if any of us stayed at nans for a week or more guaranteed we would leave half a stone heavier,honestly anybody who ever came into contact with her always piled the pounds on!,best to not ever go if on a diet because she did not believe in diets!,she said the time to diet is when you have got no food.

When I would introduce my partners in the past when I was younger and take them to her home she would say take your shoes off and put your feet up your at your grannys now.........she was so hospitable,then she would ask would they like to stay for some food and there faces when she would bring in this piled up plate of food,they would glance at me and say "this isn't all for me is it?"and Id say of course it's all for you why what's wrong?obviously I didn't think that not everybody will be used to nans belly busting portions of food,when the meal was finished (well not all sometimes)they would be unable to move off the sofa for hours but that's my nan for you,nobody left hungry that's for sure.

More years passed and she was still the same very active nothing had changed now in her early seventies,and sadly her husband suddenly died,he had been admitted to hospital after a fall,he was actually doing fine but just suddenly passed one day,it was a huge shock to my nan and she was devastated,she didn't bawl or wail she wasn't like that she would sit quietly tissue in her hand silently wiping the tears from her eyes.

I asked her once or twice if she was okay?she said yes I'll be okay love,she was never one to make a song and dance out of anything,she was hurting really bad but I think she was trying to be strong for everyone else,anyone with a big heart does that,I think the one comfort she took from it was her husband had an identical twin brother and when I say identical I mean just that,he looked like him and spoke just like him,hair exactly the same style,put it this way one day when I was on the playground at primary school he walked past and I shouted "grandad grandad"and was waving like a lunatic and it wasn't him it was his twin brother my great uncle,he shouted "I'm not your grandad love I'm his brother".

I laugh now because it's typical dopey me but seriously he's identical in every way and he would visit my nan after my grandad passed and I think seeing him just gave her comfort as it was like looking at her husband?.

I did fear she may give up I must admit because they had been together by then for 50+ years its a really long time,I often think if my uncle had not been living at home would she have gone into a decline?.

But probably not,she was the strongest woman I know,she lived for her family, I think having her children grandchildren and great grandchildren really helped her grief and she never gave up,she did miss her husband every day she told me that and of course she would she did well but that as the strength of the woman.

she just carried on keeping busy and cooking and entertaining her beloved great grandchildren one of which was only a few weeks old when her husband passed,she was a mother to everybody and she carried on with her life as best she could for the next seven years until the darkness started creeping in slowly but surely and before the fog came without us even realising and our lives were changed forever................