i've got a mouthful to say, but no where to spit.
i tried cough it out to my friends and family, but the words i always wanted to say stayed lodged in my throat. i thought i could say it to him through our tongues, but he still couldn't hear. i thought i could suppress the words by swimming in a pool of alcohol. a whiskey and a coke, a vodka and a green tea, a warm beer, and a bottle of wine, but i still looked at her with contempt and mouthful of words resting on the tip of my tongue ready to spit at her. instead i pressed my lips against the bottle and washed the hate down my throat until i threw it all back up. i tried to forget the words with drugs (i'm just not happy anymore, i don't want this anymore, i'm sorry), but the ringing in my ears couldn't make me forget how it feels to be alone. i couldn't find the words to tell my dad i'm sorry about his mom and i was better at telling my mom i hated her rather than i loved her. i never answered my friends texts and fell through on plans because no one ever satisfied me like he did. i never said what i wanted to say to him but i tried to place my words through touch. now words of spite and hate churn in my stomach and taste like blood, but worst of all i was never capable of spitting out, "i miss you."
i've got a mouthful to say, and there's no one to listen.
