Not My Choice

V

The next several days were spent with me recuperating. This involved me eating and then spending the rest of the day exploring my first home away from home. It did both me and my wolf good to mingle with the pack, to explore the boundaries once again.

But everything was different this time. I was no longer the naive little girl that used to be so angry at her pack, her father, for sending her into a life that she did not want; though now looking back, I was grateful because it brought so many wonderful people into my life. Now, I was a healer who had taken more lives than she has saved, a healer that was mentally raging a war with herself for the things that she had been forced to do in order to live another day. I was cold and withdrawn, and those I had once called family could sense that.

They would give me smiles and a brief "welcome back, it's so good to see you alive Jules" before continuing on their way. From the outside, I appeared calm and somewhat happy. But their wolves sensed my inner turmoil, and the darkness that swirled inside me made them uneasy.

The quiet forest that surrounds me seems to soothe my soul, if only for a brief moment. But with a heavy sigh, I turn and slowly begin to walk back towards the clan house. My father, mother and brother would be arriving today to take me back to our clan. As much as I was looking forward to seeing them again, I wished that I didn't have to return to our, their, clan.

Lost in my thoughts, I come to a stop just inside the tree line. Before me, milling around in the backyard, were hundreds of people. There were several clans here, I thought as the wind shifted suddenly and my race thundered in my chest. Several different scents hit me; scents that I had long familiarized. All ten of my 'families' were here.

Tears blurred my vision as I quickly blinked them away. Squaring my shoulders, I feel the cold numbness spread through my body as my face becomes blank. Leaving the forest, I walk straight and proud, not showing a hint of the war that was hidden behind my eyes. "Julian!"

The cry was loud as it carried over the multiply conversations. I almost stumbled as I recognized the voice, a voice that I had thought that I would die without ever hearing again. My eyes landed on a woman as she rushed through the crowd, gently pushing others aside as she flew towards me. My mother.

A pain shot through my heart as I took her in. Though the years had been kind to her, she sported a hint of gray in her hair, as well as several wrinkles on her face. Her eyes were brimming with tears as my name fell from her lips again.

"Mama," I whispered just as her body slammed into mine, making me stumble back several feet. Her arms were like a vice grip around me as she sobbed into my chest. My arms hung awkwardly down at my sides as I watched my father and a young man walking quickly towards us.

Every set of eyes were locked on my mother and I. There was nothing but joy, happiness in every single one of them. "We thought that we lost you, sweetie," my mother cried as I softly patted her shoulder. She finally released me and I took a few steps back. "Sweetheart," my father spoke, his voice threatening to crack under his emotions. I watched as he struggled to keep his tears from falling.

My eyes fell to the boy beside him, and I found a pair of eyes that were identical to mine staring back. Father placed his hand on the boy's, my brother's, shoulders, a proud smile on his face. "Julian, this is your brother. Roman, this is your older sister, Julian."

Roman just gives me a weak smile but doesn't speak. I couldn't blame him. After all, he had been born only two years after I left our clan. He had grown up with only pictures, stories, letters and a few gifts from me but we were complete strangers.

Suddenly, I realized that even with so many people around us, someone was missing. "Where's Daniel?" I couldn't help but ask. My father's face darkened for a split second, before he answered. "He remained back with most of the clan. His 'mate' is due to give birth to their first born soon and he didn't want to leave her."

I couldn't describe the pain that filled my heart then.

The pain was quickly shoved into a far corner of my mind as I began to mingle with my very, very large family. My smiles were fake, as I shook hands and became the recipient of hugs that left me feeling ashamed. They were all truly happy to see me, overjoyed to have me back with them alive.

I was glad to be back with them too, but I couldn't help but feel that if they knew what I had become because of Derek, they wouldn't be half as welcoming as they were. With each hour that passed, my internal war waged harder and the cold numbness in my mind grew colder. Wall after wall was erected in my mind and I couldn't do anything about it. This was what I had been forced to do, to become.

After almost six hours of mingling, I found myself standing in the shadows alone. I let out a deep sigh as I felt my body slowly relax. The old me loved being with family, no matter how large the group was. But now, I hated being around groups larger than six. Again, thanks to Derek. In my mind, a large crowd equals blood shedding and death. And I had enough of that to last me several life times.

Too lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice that someone had joined me until they spoke. "You're different that I expected." Roman said softly, just loud enough for me to hear. My eyes met his briefly. "What exactly did you expect me to be?" He shrugged. "I guess I was expecting you to be like the girl you wrote about in your journal."

I felt my eyebrow lift at that. He had found, had read my journal? It would have been filled with the thoughts of a six year old me that was afraid of what she was because she knew that it would separate her from those she loved if discovered. "That girl died a long time ago brother." I spoke softly, turning my eyes back to the crowd.

"I want you to teach me," my brother spoke again. "Teach you what?" I ask a bit confused. Roman was the next Beta for our clan. What did I have to teach him?

"I am a healer like you Jules. I want you to teach me all you know." His request was a simple one, I'd give him that. But to teach my little brother everything I knew? No, that would never happen. "No Roman," I spoke as I looked at him, my gaze sharp. "I will not teach you all I know." I watched as his face fell, my heart hurting for disappointing him.

"The only thing I will be teaching you, if you still wish, is how to be a healer... on how to use this gift for good, and only good." His eyes lit up as he smiled at me. "How did you hide it for this long?" I found myself asking. Roman just shrugged. "I took what you wrote down in the journal and practiced it relentlessly Jules. I wanted to make you proud, but I didn't want to be sent away either."

I knew where he was coming from. After all, I had been in his shoes when I first discovered my own gift, or curse as I saw it. "Alright, little brother, when we get back to the clan, I'll start training you. But," I hold up my hand as he went to speak, silencing him. "We will only train at night, in the woods well away from the clan house. They would still send you away if it's found out."

Roman threw his arms around me, hugging me hard. My mind struggled with its self as I stood there shocked. Ever so slowly, my arms lifted and wrapped softly around him, hugging him back. "Thank you," he whispered before pulling away. He flashed me a bright smile before running back to the clans, joining several other young men around his age. And for a brief moment, I was jealous of my brother. He would have it all, I thought. Roman would be the beta, it should have been mine; he would be a healer as well, with me teaching him in secret there would be no need to send him away from his family, his clan. His life would remain intact.