Tedris // A KnT fan fiction

Chapter Three

Ted POV

A/N
TRIGGER WARNING: self harm! I'll put a huge "****" before and after

I sighed as my head hit the pillow, thinking about my day while listening to nicks loud snores next to me. Chris's face right after I had told him that I was leaving looming in the back of my mind. Tears running down his cheeks, his bubbly smile turned upside down and his head slowly shaking side to side, as if what he was hearing wasn't real, couldn't be real.

I couldn't believe it either.

And then an even worse thought invaded my mind: all the times we had together were going to be no more- gone. The time we went to the farm together and played with the baby chicks, when he saved me from those crazy kids at happy melon, buying me watermelons after our fights... it was all going to be gone, a silly watermelon wouldn't solve this.

I felt something warm run down my cheek... tears. And then there was another, and a few more, and then soon I was full on crying. Not the kind where your whole body shakes, and not the one with ugly hiccups and snorting, no, I just sat there, staring at nicks ceiling, tears running down my face silently.

He was my friend, my best friend, and now I had let him go. The friend that was always there for me when I needed him, and even when I didn't. The friend that came over at 2 AM to bake a cake with me because I was lonely. The friend that I had hurt so bad that he wouldn't ever be able to repair it. And I hated myself for it. I hated that I had let myself be wrapped up in his perfect cat world and soft brown sweaters. I hated that I wasn't strong enough for him. Sure, I had left for my own sake, but when it came down to it, was I just protecting him from me when I was eventually going to break down?

'You're finally listening to me, it IS you're fault, all your fault' a voice seethed in my head, a voice that haunted me in my nightmares. 'Chris trusted you, and now you've fucked it up, you idiot. You deserve to die'.

I know I shouldn't pay attention to it, but as those words replayed in my head 'your fault, you're fault, you're fault...' I couldn't help but believe them.

I knew what I had to do, the only way to make this right. I got up, the pads of my feet gliding over the floor so I could be as quiet as possible as to not wake up nick. I sliding out the cracked open door and down the hall to the bathroom.

****

I felt around in the bathroom cabinet in the dark, eventually settling my hand in the thing I was looking for: a razor. I had cut myself before, many times, but I had been clean for the last 6 months, not since me and Chris's last fight. Did I really want to end my streak now?

I sighed, the voice getting louder, demanding that I go through with it. So, I did. I pressed the cold metal to my skin on my upper wrist and slid it. The pain was unbearable, but I guess that's the point. I raised the razor up and was bringing it back down when the light flickered on.

****

"Ted? Why are up? It's the middle of the-" Nick started, then stopped when he as my situation.

"I...uh..." I started, not sure how to explain myself. I never told him about my background with self harm, I didn't want to scare him away.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

A/N

Pshhh I'm not crying over my own writing what are you talking about? I'm just gonna... go into my crying corner.

Sorry about the depressing shit so early in the book, I just felt like it was a huge part of teds character and also a big turning point for the story... well now that that's over let's get to Tedris stuff!

Also, sorry his chapter is pretty short, and prsaid banks really bad. I'm not great at angsty and depressing stuff, I'm used to fluff and slow burn but I wanted to atleast try :P