End of the Beginning

Buddha for Mary

Overnight life got a little bit bigger. The parties got bigger. The money got bigger. The people got bigger. Even the alcohol got bigger. John became of a success than ever before. His album released at number one on the top charts. That meant tours for years with albums for years. But that meant without me.

Every night John and I seemed to go to a new party hosted by some producer. John would eventually leave me to my own doings once we'd enter each household. I'd be left sitting on a couch, alone. While others around me danced, drank, and ate pastries. But I sat. Only now and then would another soul notice me. Usually all they wanted to know if I had a light. I didn't become  John's girl. No body knew me.

What John didn't know either, was my own little secret. He ragged on me to stop speaking to Jared and Shannon once the album released. The only company I had became myself. Right as John would leave me at a party I began to sneak off to the nearest restroom. I'd switch on the lights, pull out a needle from my pocket, then the rest was history. John never saw the marks around my neck or arms. He never even saw me after I'd shoot it.

At my last party though, something else happened. I found the restroom upstairs and slid in without anyone noticing. I grabbed my needle and put it in. I fell onto the ground and let the feeling take over. I imagined the last time I saw Jared and Shannon, the last time I was in both of their arms. The rest I couldn't remember. I dozed off. Then through my blurred vision I saw a man pick me up and carry me away. His voice was muffled to me so I couldn't recognize him. All I could see was the floor passing from under us. I felt the vibrations of the music through my veins and the quick flashed of lights around me. I looked back up at the man carrying me. I still couldn't remember the face.

Suddenly I saw myself over a toilet bowl vomiting. Then I laid in a bed. But what felt like a few seconds later, I'd be in front of a mirror washing my hands and vomiting again. It felt like a disgusting montage. I woke up in a dark room. The early morning sun peaked through the satin curtains by me. I propped myself up on my left elbow. This room felt similar to me. Like I've been in it once before. Dizziness overcame me so I laid back down in the king size bed and stretched myself out from end to end.

"Cece," a man in a low whispering voice called. I lifted my head up from the pillow to see Jared holding a tray with two coffee mugs and a glass of water. I took another glimpse around the room when it hit me that I was in Jared's house.

"How did...why am I here?" My words seemed to jumble around my head.

"Don't worry about it." Jared sat on the edge of the bed and handed me the water and two pills. "This will help."

"What is it?" I took a sip of the water.

"Just take it." He stared down at his feet. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What?" I swallowed one of the pills. Jared snatched my arm and rolled up my sleeve.

"I found you sitting in there dying."

"I wasn't dying." I giggled.

"This isn't funny." He snapped. "You were so alone." I could see the tears floating around the lid of his eyes.

"I haven't seen you in a while." I touched his left cheek. He leaned his head against my hand tenderly. I reached towards him and kissed him. His hands wrapped around my waist as he pulled me gently closer to him. "But I need to go." I released.

"What, no?" Jared stammered.

"John is probably freaking out."

"Well maybe if he cared he wouldn't have left you there." Jared looked away.

"Maybe," I turned his head Back over to me. "Thank you."

"Don't," Jared leaned me down onto the bed. He towered over me, placing his hands a shoulder length away. "I can't let you leave."

"Why not?" Jared leaned in to kiss me.

"I'm going to get you better. No matter what happens." Jared sat back up.

"That's sweet, but things don't just work out like that."

"You're going with me to my lodge this week. There you'll get better."

"Jared," I sat back up. "John will need me."

"No," he leaned over me. "You need yourself." Jared handed me a coffee mug. "You better drink that before I get back." Jared stood up taking the tray. "Shannon is grabbing your things from the house. We're leaving tomorrow." Jared left without saying another word.

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"Mary was the type of girl, She always liked to fall apart." - Buddha for Mary