Saving Me

SEVEN

So it's Monday and I am driving home. It was a great day, we got the schedule for our mid-term exams and to be honest I am a bit excited because of all the sessions I've had with Kayla and I have been more focused on my work and have been studying.

I take a detour and go to the mall to get buy some toiletries and kitty litter. I feel like coffee and a piece of cheese cake and go to a small coffee shop at the mall. After I get my caffeine and creamy goodness I walk back to my car at the parking lot. You know the thing about being a social pariah is that you get to sense it when someone is staring at you. You get to feel their eyes on you and that's exactly what I am feeling right now. I turn around before I reach my car and see Tyler from the youth group looking at me.

"You do realise that you look like a creepy stalker standing there, right?" I open my car and put the bags on the back seat. He walks over to me with his hands in his pockets. The way he walks is so slow it's like a movie scene, he's wearing black ripped jeans and a grey hoodie which is rolled up, showing his forearms.

"I'm sorry about that but I wasn't sure if it was you or not" he smiles "I couldn't take the risk of coming over and then find out that it was someone else".

I nod "I understand".

"Anyway I wanted to know if you're going to come again to the group this Friday". To be honest I haven't really thought about going again but then I really enjoyed myself last week and I would really like to hear Tyler sing again.

"Uhm, yeah sure, I'll talk to Kayla about that" I fumble with the car keys. "Okay, cool then" he looks at the ground and his mop of hair falls over.

"Cool" I look at an elderly couple holding hands.

There's a moment of silence that falls between us and he finally breaks it "I guess I should let you go now".

"Yeah, uhm it was great seeing you again" I smile and open the car door to get in.

"The feeling is mutual, see you Friday" he smiles and waves then walks back into the mall.

I have no idea what the awkwardness towards the end of the conversation was about but the idea of seeing the kids from the group sounds really cool. I play some music as I drive back home.

When I finally get home I see a car in the driveway. A very familiar black Chevrolet Captiva which so happens to be my father's car. My mood suddenly drops and I feel bleak.

"What is he doing here?" I mutter to myself as I get out of the car. I hear his voice the moment I enter the house. It sounds like he's talking with my mom in the kitchen. I look around the house and see that none of my brothers are home yet so I take a deep breath and go into the kitchen. Both of my parents look up and I just look at one person, my father.

"Lissy, you look... different" he says looking at my clothing with distain. I am wearing grey leggings, a black hoodie and white converse.

"Really? Those are the first words that come out of your mouth" I look at him and put the bags on the counter. "Melissa watch your tone" my mom scolds.
"Whatever" I go out the back door into the pool area. I stare at the blue water and I disappear into my mind. I look back through the glass door and I see my dad talking and pointing at a folder he puts in front of my mom. It's probably the divorce papers.

I look back at the water and I play with the leaves falling around me. Autumn is coming. This is a season I used to be excited about in my old life, my friends and I would have a massive sleepover every year where we would watch movies and eat a lot of junk food, but now that feeling is gone, I only feel depressed. The wind kicks up a bit and I hear the back door open. Before whoever comes out talks to me I jump into the pool with my clothes still on.

I look up from under the water and I see my mom's blurry figure standing over the edge. I stay under for what feels like a long time until I run out of breath and swim to the surface.

"Are you insane!?" my mom screams at me as I swim to the edge and get out of the water. I don't say anything to her and head for the door but she blocks my path. "When did you start becoming disrespectful?" she looks like there's a storm brewing inside of her "Your father and I did not raise you to be like this".

At this point I am shivering because of my wet clothes and the cold wind. "You're angry at me for stating the obvious to your soon to be ex-husband? This is the anger you should have lashed out on him when you found out about the affair. You didn't even shed a tear mom, it's like you just lost your will to live. We expected you to throw a tantrum or break stuff, do anything that shows that you're upset. But here you are freaking out over my feelings towards Johnathan, he ruined my life too so get off your high horse cause I am done with this. I have been there for you all this time but now I have had enough". I feel like I might explode any moment now but thankfully Jackson opens the door and pulls me into the house.

We go upstairs and he shoves me in my room "Get some warm clothes on" he then leaves me. I go to my en-suite bathroom and cry my eyeballs out on the floor. I let out everything that I have been holding on the past few months. All the resentment, anger, and bitterness. I cry until my throat is raw and my voice is raspy. I cry until I feel like it is impossible for my tear ducts to produce more salty water.

I get up and have a hot shower. I just stand under the water and think about my past life and the happiness that used to be in my family. I think about Pastor Josh's story and about how much anger can destroy you on the inside.

After the shower my skin is so sensitive that it hurts for me to even put on my black Panda onesie. I take my laptop and sit on my bed. I Google Forgiveness and the first thing that pops up is 20 Bible verses About Forgiveness. I have no idea what compels me but I click on the link and read through a bunch of verses on forgiveness. There are highlighted points on such as :

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This sounds like what Pastor Josh was saying last Friday. I browse and see more stuff stated on this topic. I get a bit overwhelmed and log off the internet.

I wouldn't say that my family is deeply spiritual but my brothers and I grew up going to Sunday School and church. I sort of think that my parents did it to keep up appearances since we are such a prestigious family.

Having a mom who is a well-known defence lawyer and a dad who is a COO of a big production company means you have to act accordingly.

But I guess it's true when they say that money can't buy you happiness because with all the wealth and success my dad still went to another woman.