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Frost-Smitten (Review & Critique)

Critique and Review of Frost-Smitten by Holly-Anne.

Review - Spoiler Free

I'll admit, I was a little wary at first. The chapters were short and felt incomplete. Then something clicked and I saw it in a different light. I could actually see this published as an elementary age book, with some polishing up, of course. I ended up reading it twice since I took so long to write this critique (sorry!). I felt the same way both times reading it, and I'm still waiting for it to upload more. I love it enough that I kind of want to write fanfiction! However, that desire mostly stems from seeing so many flaws and so many ways of fixing them.

I recommend reading this story if you don't mind incompleteness. Hopefully more readers can help encourage the author to finish. I'm sure the second draft will be even more amazing.

Spoiler warning is now in effect for the critique.

I took notes the second time around. Overall, this story needs an overhaul. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems you started this story without really knowing where you were going. That's fine as long as you write new drafts. Here are my suggestions on how to start editing.

The order of events is currently haphazard. They also don't tell us much at all about the characters or the world they're in. I see two ways to go about changing your story. The first is for an elementary age audience. I don't know the rest of the story, so I don't know if it's appropriate for elementary age. If it is, or can be changed, the sparse technique you have works well. You just need to think about what needs to be told for the story to work. Some scenes will be dropped, but most of them will be in a different order. If you'd like, I can go into more detail on this approach.

Second, as I think you would prefer, means completely changing the beginning, and some of the later parts. The reader has no idea how old the characters are, but somehow Dakota repeatedly forgets Jace, and his appearance changes. My suggestion is to have all of her encounters with Jace happen in her elementary years within three years. Then the discovery of the Frost family can happen -- make sure it's clear why the Frosts have to be secretive. You could draw out the time they're together for character building, or you could give a chapter or two of character building for Dakota specifically. Avoid using memories because it's really hard to fit them naturally in a narrative, especially she turned the memory of him into make-believe (do you ever fantasize about your imaginary friend(s) from childhood?).

Something to remember while writing is your "emotional center" character. Who is going through a major change during the story? For example, Harry Potter starts as a normal-ish child with a difficult background. He makes some friends and starts to see a value in himself. By the end of the series he has matured and conquered his inner demons. An emotional center can go through this change as a simple growing-up story, or by experiencing things that shape the change. In this case, Harry is shaped into a hero rather than a normal-ish adult. In your story (I think), Dakota is shaped into a good friend instead of a lonely college student. Note: All characters and even people go through story-arcs, so don't be afraid for Jace or any other character to show change.

Wow, I've been going on for a while. I hope something helps you or anyone else reading this so it doesn't turn out that I'm crazy. lol! If there's anything else I can do to help you, just let me know. I'll gladly sit down with you and discuss editing. For now, I will close with a few specific complaints from my notes. Don't forget, these come from wanting you to succeed!

Sadness and Comfort - Why is she dating someone else? Us readers know nothing about her life. Also, how old is she? Jace's line about secrets makes no sense.

Just Across the Pond - Why was she scared? Why did he fall in the lake instead of making ice to walk on? Then he tells us all the stuff we just read...

The Warning Storm seems (to me) like Jace is about to shower her with love snow, so then the warning itself happens to slowly.

Powerless - Jace tells about abuse instead of foreshadowing and showing us in earlier scenes.

A Golden Opportunity - Cutting open his gut that much would kill him. Even if she got back in time, he would have lost too much blood to be able to recover. (I think. I'm not a doctor.) She should not have a friend named Jess because it's too confusing with the other J names. Chessa is too similar also.

Tear-Stained Hugs - She forgot about Jason way too easily. Jace shouldn't call it a "freak" storm because he knew his mother was in control of it. Actually, this whole chapter makes little sense because it doesn't fit the tone of the moment.

A Moment in the Hay - Jace understands, accepts, and tells Jason about his condition way too fast. Also, he shouldn't have been helping with the blankets without questioning the action. He has no reason to not ask "What's wrong with my brother? Why is he so warm?" and other such desperate questions.

And that's all. =( I wants some more!