Tampax and Dark Chocolate

So, here's another random rant....

So, I don’t really know how to go about this, but I feel like if I don’t vent, I may just explode into a million ashes that shall blow in the wind to find each and every one of you.  Do you know what it’s like to walk down the hallway and have absolutely no one say hi?  Not a word…goddammit, not even freaking eye contact.  How do you think that makes someone feel?  Do you know what it’s like to never miss a day of school, have to miss one day for a school activity, and the next day, no one realize you’ve been gone?  Hell, I think my locker neighbors found it great for me to be gone so they wouldn’t have to move for me to get through.  Do you know what it’s like for people to want you only for your brains and the gum you provide for them?  It makes me feel so useless when someone comes up to me-I think they want to talk to me for once-and they just ask for a piece of gum.  I feel an inch high.  I get my hopes up for nothing.  No one really wants me for who I am.  92% of the people in my school only know me-or care to know me for my brains.  They don’t bother to try and delve into my personality because, as someone once gossiped about me, ‘Chelsea doesn’t HAVE a personality.’  Do you know what it’s like to be told you’re so nice and sweet so many times you actually start to believe people like you until your teacher tells you to partner up in class and you’re the only one without someone to work with?  Welcome to my life.  I’ve been told, ‘don’t be so down.  Only you can change the way you feel.’  Yes, but I can’t change the cruel words that cascade into my brain when someone is particularly offensive.  I’ve realized I’m never going to be popular.  I hope and pray for more reads, more comments, more fans on Wattpad, along with more friends in real life as well, but it doesn’t happen.  Maybe it’s because I don’t have a personality.  Maybe it’s because when someone tells me I’ve look good since I’ve lost weight, all I can think about is, ‘was I really that fat?’  Maybe it’s because I’m ‘too involved in my grades and academics for friendships and socializing.’  Maybe because I hate myself, people just plain steer clear.  Jesus, people, I don’t know why I’m treated the way I am.  I just know I’m effing sick of it, goddamm.  I always think it if one day I just walk out the doors of the school and keep going and never come back, no one will notice.  I remember freshman year, a guy walked up to me about halfway into the first semester and telling me ‘I thought you moved!’  Apparently, he hadn’t seen me that entire year, so he assumed I moved.  That’s just how much I mean to people, folks.  Well, my non-friends.  No, my friends don’t even miss me when I’m not here.  My best friend didn’t say she missed me, rather she asked how it was.  One of my friend didn’t even talk to me when she saw me in the morning, rather ignored me, claiming she DID say something to me.  No, I protested, saying (in my mind) I would know because I cling to every nice word someone says, hoping I can eventually cover all the nasty comments piled up in my mind with the nice ones, forgetting about all the crap.  My friend that I haven’t gotten to know closest, however, was the only one who said she missed me.  I felt so happy when she said that, I could have hugged her.  Someone missed me.  I hadn’t gotten another ‘I missed you’ until I told a mutual guy friend hi and told him I missed him.  He said, ‘I missed you, too.’  And my best friend didn’t even utter those four little words to me.  I have been going downhill all day, silent as a mime, sad as a little emo kid. 

My therapist-I know, I’m seriously effed up-told me pushing things down inside is like trying to push a floaty down in a river-you can push it down, but it’ll just come back up again.  I would normally protest and tell her how wrong she is, but she’s right.  I have so much stuff pushed down, I’m a vat of toxic waste containing every bad thing anyone has ever said or done to me.  I so wanted to tell her that if someone’s like a river and only talking could remove the buoy, my river is almost filled to its max with crap.  I need some heavy-duty machinery to remove this garbage, and I don’t have the stuff to do it. 

Ok, I’m all cried out now, empty of all my hot air for a while.  I may or may not post this-frankly, I may forget, plus if I post this, people will yell at me for thinking I’m doing it for attention.  Well guess what, people?  I’m not.  People need to vent and see if any one out there is listening/caring/feeling the same way.  Tough. -Chelsea