Too Broken

chapter eleven

"Hey mom, I need to ask you something. And no, don't dare think this is bonding time. I just need your help." I state bluntly. I can tell by her facial expression she is hurt. But she hurt me. She never loved or took care of me as she should.

"Oh, no, no. It's fine. I take what I can get." she says looking down at the floor. How do I tell her? How do tell her without feeling weird? This is suppose to be normal for mothers and daughters, but it's not.

"Uhmm, I need to ask you something... It's about a guy at school and I don't know what to do about it and I lost my friends and you seem to be my last resort and I don't know what to do. Everything is so complicated. With him, dad and you. My life is taking a turn for the worst and I don't know what direction I should be heading. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do mom. I feel hopeless. And yes, I know my name is Hope. But I don't have hope anymore. I don't feel it any more. I don't want to feel anything more. I'm scared. I'm scared that he will break my heart like dad did. I'm pretty sure that's selfish, that all guys are not the same. But I can't seem to find the strength to find the chance." I take a breath. And she looks at me like I'm the most fragile person right now. This is what I yearn for. The love of a mother. The love of a father. "Mom, I need your help. Please. I really do. And I know we haven't been on the best of terms. But I'm changing. I'm trying to forgive you. I'm trying to forgive dad. But I need you. I need you to be my mother right now... " and with that, she hugged me. She hugged me. This is what I need. The warmth and love of a mother. All my emotions seems to be pouring out right now. My anger, my hatred, my sadness. Everything. And she is still hugging me. This is the hugs that you don't get from your boyfriend and you get butterflies in your stomach. This is a hug that makes you think, that someone will always be there for you. And that person will always be your mother. A mother that will always care and love for you.

"Hope, I've been longing for you to speak to me. For you to confide in me. And I know, I don't deserve your love. I never did, since your father did what he did. I ignored you after that. Cause I saw him in you. I see a beautiful soul in you Hope. Everything you are, it's you. Nothing can change that. But you should do what you need to do. Does he make you happy? Will it be worth the pain in the end? Will it be worth the tears? Do you see a future with him? This is questions you should answer for yourself. And if you answer them with all yes's. You'll know what to do. You'll know."

All my tears seem to have disappeared, cause I know my mother is right. Nick does make me happy. Yes, it will be worth the pain. Worth the tears. With the heart break. I do see a future with him. I do.

I find myself smiling cause I know Nick will make me happy. He is not Kyle. He doesn't think any less of me or my past. He sees me for who I am. I ready to give him my soul. My love. My heart and my body. I'm ready.

"Thank you mom. Thank you for the advice. It really had me thinking. I'm sorry for all the bitchiness I had towards you. I should have known you were hurting too. I always thought I was alone. Alone in the darkness. After I met Nick. There was Hope. There was me. I found me. And I've learnt to forgive. I forgive you mom. And I forgive dad for what he did. I still love you mom. I want to be your little girl. I want to be your cupcake? Can I be your cupcake mom?"

I probably sound like a baby right now. But I'm ready to forgive her. I want to be her cupcake? That's if she loves me. Even if she doesn't. I know I brought my side. It can be pinned on me if our relationship isn't stored. It's all up to her right now.

"Oh Hope, you'll always be my cupcake, sweety. You'll always be. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I really am. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Hope. I probably the worst mother in the whole world. But I'll try, I'll try for you Hope. I'll always try for you Hope. Always." she says. She pulls me in for a hug. I hug her back. Our relationship is restored. I'm so happy that I finally knows what it feels to have a mother.

My step dad walks in on us hugging.

"Woah, have I entered an alternate universe or something? Or do I have the wrong house?" he is smirking. He is laughing. Laughing. And I seem to be laughing with him.

"Oh, join in here, you big lump." my mother says. He rushes over to join in on the hug, this is the perfect moment. I've never felt more happy now that my family is restored. Then my mind wandered back to Nick. My smile became nothing but a memory right now.

"Honey, what's wrong? Is it that Nick guy? He need to repair things with him. He makes you happy, I can tell. From all the pancakes and the phone calls. And yes, I know. I'm nosey." she laughs.

"Maybe I'm too late. Maybe he changed his mind about me." it's the truth. Maybe is with another chick right now.

"You'll never know unless you try sweet heart." my mother says. "I fully agree with your Mom Hope. Go to him. Show him you're ready. Show him you love him." my dad smirks.

I love Nick, I love him. I'm going. I'm going to declare my love him. I need him. I need Nick to hold me now. That is if he forgives me.

I find myself grabbing my keys and heading towards the door. "See you later, mom. Bye dad." I wave off.

"She just called me dad, did she just ... Did you just... You heard that right?" my dad asks my mom.

"Yes, I did hun. She's our little girl." my mom says.

I hear them as I walk to to my car. Couldn't it always be like this?

Nick, where could Nick be? Could he still be at school? Could he be at home? Where could he be?

Finally, an idea pops into my head. It's a place where we he always goes when he needs to clear his head.

I turn my car to head that direction. What do I tell him? What does he want to hear? Will he forgive me? All these random questions are popping in my head. It's making me anxious. It's making me scared. I'm shaking.

I arrive at my destination and I can hear my heart beating. It's like a drum. Beating to a rhythm unknown to me. I finally spot him. He is under a tree. I cautiously walk towards him.

"Nick?" I say with a trembling voice.

He turns around and his eyes is red. Like his been crying for the last hour since I've left him standing there at school. How could I be so cruel? How could I treat him like this? He doesn't deserve this. Although he thought of me as challenge. No one deserves to see so much pain. No one.

"Hope..."

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