Reaching You (Book 1 and 2)

Chapter Seventeen

I thought that we will be happy just like how happy we are. Just like other stories. We are happy everyday, every week, every month but I guess every story has its own fall.

I start to doubt him. It's my fault. I see him every night on FM and he's being close to his ex. Yeah. Yuri. They are getting close again. And sometimes, I found Yuri and Valeen chatting on the main chat in Filipino. The conversation goes like this.

"I see Clyde on your room a while ago." Valeen said.

"Yes sissy. He starts talking to me again." Yuri said.

"Wow. I see. What did he say?" Valeen said.

"He greeted me and we talked. He was just in my room. Listening to music." Yuri said.

"Wow! Yiiieeee! Get the fire burning again." She said.

"Yes sissy. I want to make him mine again." Yuri said.

What she said killed me. I felt like I was stabbed with a knife here... in my heart. It hurts a lot. It fucking hurts. I hate it. Why do I have to feel this? Why am I hurting? Shit! Shit this feeling.

"Good eve!" He said.

"Oh hey! Evening! How's talking with Yuri? Did you have fun?" He said. Shit! I put all the sarcasm in there. Aaaah! Why am I so sarcastic?

"Hey. Are you upset because I talked to her?" He asked. Upset? Are you asking me if I'm upset? Oh my good grace!

"It's okay." I said. I lied. I lied. I lied. Because I AM NOT FINE. IT'S NOT OKAY AT ALL! I AM JEALOUS. I'M DYING INSIDE. FUCK THIS FEELINGS.

"Hey. Tell me." He said.

"It's okay. Go! And talk to her. I don't care." I said. I care. I care a lot. I fucking care. Why are you being so insensitive? You know how much I love you. I invest a lot of feelings to you but what did you do? Talked to that girl? You even call her a whore and now you're talking to her? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. But I still love you.

And the following day, do you know what he did? He took my words seriously and talk to her. What the! Why? Why are you so insensitive? Why? Do you enjoy this? Didn't you realize how I feel? How hurt am I by just you talking to her? It hurts a lot. It hurts me a lot.

I don't know if my tears has its own mind but it just falls down my cheeks without my permission. Why am I so sensitive? He's not even my boyfriend. Why do I even cry for him? This is crazy!

I stop coming to FM. That app is making me selfish. I know before that I want them to be in good terms. But now, as I watch Yuri making her way to get back what's hers. I'm becoming selfish. I just want him to be mine. Just mine only. I'm only his. I don't care about other guys who courts me because I only want him but I don't know about him. It doesn't look like he wants me the same way I want him.

I didn't use social media for two days because I don't want to lie anymore. If I'm online and he chat me, I'll not be able to hold myself and talk to him. I'm softy. And I just want to avoid him for now.

"I miss you." He said when I log in on FB.

"Aww that's so sweet of you." I said. I am sarcastic. I don't know if he gets it.

"What you up to?" He said.

"Kinda busy. I applied for a job as an English tutor." I said.

"Wow. So proud of you. I know you'll get the job." He said.

"Thank you." I said.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Taking a rest." I said.

"You really need that. After being so busy everyday. You need to take a rest too." He said.

How am I supposed to be mad at you for so long when you're so concern about me? Oh my!

"Yeah. I think so too. Sometimes when I get home, I haven't removed my clothes and just sleep. Feel so tired." I said.

"Don't work too hard. You need to have fun for a while too." He said.

"I don't know. I just can't stop. I'm good at pushing myself to my limits." I said.

"Then, I'll be the one to tell you when you need to pause and take a rest." He said.

"I don't want something happens to you." He added.

I'm melting. Why are you like that? Why?

I can't help myself but say, "I miss you too."

"You're so sweet." He said.

"I know. And I'll stay sweet forever." I said.

"That's good." He said.

So, I thought that I could stay mad at him. But I was wrong. I can't stay long so far away from him. I want him always. But I'm being selfish because of this. The thing that we have doesn't have any assurance. I can't assure myself with this kind of set-up. I will only get hurt everyday, continuously. I can't be jealous because he's not my boyfriend in the first place. I can't be mad at any of those girls in there if they flirt with him. I can't even tell him not to be on that app because I'm not his girlfriend. I don't have any single right. And it hurts.

Can I do this? Can I continue this? Can I endure the pain just to be with him? Can I?