Driving Doctor Mayhem

Prologue- Help Wanted

PERSONAL ASSISTANT NEEDED. People skills optional. Ability to take drink orders preferred. Personal mode of transport a MUST.

To Reply, Contact Dr. M's office:
1-555-TRBLE-4-U

(Idiots and those prone to knock-knock jokes need not apply.)

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I squinted at the ad pinned between the wiper and the windshield of my Camry in the odd, transitional, maybe-orange-maybe-blue-maybe-purple evening light. Cocking an eyebrow in disdain, I ducked into the driver's side.

"Point taken, Cricket!" I sang, waving the sheet in his face when we were both strapped in. "Listen, I know that you're all twisted up about my recent unemployment, and while I do appreciate your loving concern--"

"Uh, technically, it isn't recent, unless you count your entire life as recent, which, I concede, it would be considered in the grand scheme of history, but--"

"You could stand to be a little subtler, is all I'm saying," I sighed, tossing it into his lap and fixing my cowlick-plagued bangs in the rear view mirror.

Cricket took a deep breath and gave me his best patient face. It wasn't fooling anybody.

"And you, Banksy Banks, could stand to admit that ever since you got wait-listed--"

"Don't even start," I sneered, snapping the car into reverse.

It wasn't like I couldn't go to college; I could've gone to plenty. Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a doctor, and I just didn't want to settle for less than what I thought I deserved. Unfortunately, there weren't very many prestigious medical schools beating down my door or accepting my applications.

Read as: there were no prestigious medical schools beating down my door. Not one. I'd gotten wait-listed at Northwestern and that was the closest I'd come to a secondary education in the preceding months.

Cricket rolled his eyes, picking the crumpled paper up and pulling it closer to his face, a necessity because he'd had the eyesight of a bat ever since he was about seven. "What is this?"

"You should know, dude; you stuck it in my windshield wiper."

"Uh, I certainly didn't put this here," he shrugged. "Seems a little vague, actually. I would recommend Dairy Queen. Excellent place to work. We get health benefits, too... I'm almost sure."

I wish I could say that I cut to the chase had a life-altering epiphany right then and there, but in reality, just I shook my head a little, backing out of my driveway and into the street. I went about the rest of the day as if it was any other, because I had no reason not to. In my mind, that was the case.

Come to think of it, I don't believe I ever had a truly life-altering epiphany, which seems like a little bit of a gyp, given the circumstances. Whatever.

So begins my story. My wacky, ridiculous, one-hundred-percent-true story.