Goner

I wanna be known

He drove his jeep to the familiar Loft that seemed to be a clubhouse for teenagers.

He still wasn't sure why he was here. He'd looked up the stupid information for Scott, but then the Alpha had requested he come give it in person to the pack. Though he didn't know why he had to.

He sat in his jeep staring at the building. He heard somewhere that Derek owned the whole building, Issac lived with him and the others spent enough time there to call it a second home.

Stiles was once in that spot too.

He sighed and gripped the steering wheel as he closed his eyes and counted to twenty then backwards. He counted his fingers before nodding and smoothing back his messy hair.

"Come one Stilinski, you can do this. Your alone, he's not here, your alone, no one's here, your alone" he chanted to himself.

He wasn't sure if he was trying to convince himself that the Nogitsune wasn't there or if he was shoving in his own face that he had no one and deserved no one.

Either way, it helped calm him from having a panic attack.

He found himself saying it at least once a day. On bad days it's over five. Sometimes he'll chant it to himself for hours.

He gets out of his jeep and makes his way up the Stair to the loft.

He wasn't sure who was all going to be there tonight, Derek, and Scott for sure.

He hopes it's just them. He didn't want to have to face the whole pack head on. At least all at school he can pretend he doesn't know them and that they don't see each other.

He stood at the large metal sliding door before knocking. He didn't feel welcome enough to just walk in like he use to.

He hears a deep voice tell him to come in.

He opens the door and walks to the large table in front of a wall of windows showing the sunset.

He shuffles uncomfortably. All of them were there Lydia, Malia, Kira, Issac, Scott, Derek, Ethan, and Peter.

"So I got some research on the, uh other packs around Beacon hills. There a surprising amount. Only three, two of them within Beacon Hills range have about six to twelve member and one with four. The closest is in San Dimas. One in Los Angeles with twelve is sort of hostile though only to those in their territory. I doubt it's them, they don't leave their own territory often. Uh, all their information that I could get is on this flash drive and in this folder... so, yeah, I'm gonna go now, homework and essays to get done."

He could take seem to get his mouth to stop till he got it all out. He knew it was because he was on the verge of a panic attack.

Again.

He couldn't have a panic attack in Derek's' loft surrounded by were-wolves and people who will just make him feel worse for it.

He could feel the emotions, judgement and resentment coming off of them all. He knows they didn't mean to, hell, they probably don't even know they are doing it.

He know though. He knows why.

They blame him.

They blame him for the deaths, Allison and Aiden's, all those in the hospital, all the other innocent bystanders, attacked and the chaos the Nogitsune cause while inside him.

He could remember it all. Clear as day, replaying in his mind over and over again when he's alone.

He can remember the feeling of confusion, and power that filled him while the Nogitsune killed and caused trouble. He remembered scratching till his fingers were bloody at the black brick wall keeping him locked in that one place in his mind. He could see everything, feel it all, hear the screams, and the cries for mercy.

Being unable to do anything.

And what's worse is that sometimes....

He liked it.

"Stiles... are you okay?" It was Peter that made the first move out of everyone.

Out of the boy he knew since he was 7, the girl he'd been in love with for years, the girl he lost his virginity to, and his 'friends', it was Creepy uncle Peter that made any move towards him.

Stiles smiles, but it was a weak impersonation of one, "Yeah, I'm fine, uh, swamped with school, you know, busy... I'm fine, how about you? Haven't heard from you in a while. Well, actually I doubt you want to talk to me of all people, hell I wouldn't wanna talk to me right now," he laughed awkwardly, "Anyway, that's the information I could dig up, need anything else just, like, text or something,"

He turned to leave but someone grabbed his arm making him flinch so hard he saw Lydia wince herself, as if she was in pain.

He closed his eyes an started to mentally count to twenty then backwards, as he started to hear the chilling laugh of his psychological stalker.

Peter seemed to notice his distress and hesitantly let go of his arm, looking at his own hand in confusion.

"C-can I use your bathroom?" Stiles asks. Derek, speechless like the others, nodded and Stiles moved to the bathroom where he slammed the door shut.

He locked the door and leaned on the sink. Gripping the gray porcelain and hunching over the bowl. He took deep breaths and kept counting, then going backwards. He started to chant his mantra of "You're alone".

He stared at his reflection as he quietly chanted it. He quickly turned the water on to high in the sink so it would drown out his panic attack from the were-wolves in the loft. He had no doubt that they were listening ion on him. He looked over his sunken pale face. Deep bags, bloodshot doe eyes, his freckles being even more prominent on his sickly pale skin. His messy dull hair, that stuck up in all directions, not like it use to, this was in an ugly, gripping hair in frustration, bed head.

"You're alone. He's not here. You're alone. Your alone. No one is here. It's only you. You're alone. YOU'RE ALONE."

He snarled at his reflections and slapped himself.

That seemed to help the most at the moment and his breathing calmed and steadied. He kept whispering "Your alone" but otherwise he was becoming okay again. Or at least as okay as he was going to get.

He shut off the water and straightened up. He rubbed his hands together, counting his fingers before nodding to his reflection and leaving the bathroom.

He smiled awkwardly, "Sorry, I, uh, needed a moment so, uh, yeah, text if you need anything."

He walked backward towards the door as the other watched him. Some of them looked like they wanted to say something.

But they let him go.