right there in the details | camren (au)

14

XLII.

Your final days in LA pass in a blur.

You don't know how you do it but somehow you manage to make it through your final exams. It's like your mind's been switched to some kind of automatic mode; you function just well enough to wake up on time, look at your study notes for a couple more hours, get to the venue and write down all the answers you can think of. You manage to smile, make light conversation with your classmates, pack your suitcase, wish everyone happy holidays and get yourself to the airport before Ally, Normani or Dinah talks to you long enough to push past your defenses. You're pretty sure they all sense that something has happened, because they keep giving you these concerned looks and they keep bringing up Jessa's party - but after two days you snap so harshly at them that they stop asking direct questions.

For the rest of your time, you ignore their calls and text messages and you take the bus to the airport all by yourself, not bothering to say goodbye. It's Christmas Eve. You blast your music loud enough that you don't have to listen to your own thoughts, you close your eyes and before you know it, the plane lands and you're home again.

As soon as you catch sight of Sofi at the other end of the arrivals hall, you choke up. Your little sister sprints in your direction and jumps right on top of you, hugging you close. Then she says, "Why are you crying?"

It only makes things worse.

You let your parents hug you and you try to laugh through your tears, telling them all that you're just exhausted because of exams and field hockey and that you're just so happy to be home again, to see them again. You can't stop rambling - filling every possible silence before anyone can start asking questions - and your dad is already nodding in understanding, squeezing your shoulder, but your mother's eyes narrow for a moment as she looks you up and down. Then she pulls you into her once again, not saying anything as you cry against her shoulder a little. The mix of concern and confusion doesn't leave her face all evening, though.

Dinner is a mess.

Your mind is buzzing with Sofi's stories and trying to avoid your mother's questions to the best of your abilities and forcing yourself to listen to your dad's endless rants about scouts and games and how many goals and tough competition without snapping at him to fucking shut up about field hockey already.

You feel numb. You feel exhausted.

Sofi wants to sing karaoke with you, but after you've cleared away the dishes, you throw up all the food you had for dinner in the sink and your mother tells you to go to bed. You take a long shower and then fall into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

When you wake up, it's Christmas morning.

You have never felt less festive in your entire life, but you don't want to spoil the fun for the rest of your family, so you go downstairs in your pajamas together with Sofi as soon as she bursts through your door to pull you out of bed. You spend all morning with your family, exchanging presents and watching Christmas movies on TV. Your mother goes into the kitchen to bake your favorite kind of banana bread and your father has gotten you an official hockey jersey of the Dutch women's field hockey team, which makes you smile a little bit because they're your favorite and your dad knows that better than anyone else. You wrap your arms around his neck and try to ignore how tight your stomach feels because thinking about field hockey makes you think about other things.

As the day goes on, you start to feel a little bit better. Things lighten up a little. You're still on the edge of crying every single time your mother looks at you with that worried look on her face, but in the afternoon the rest of your family comes over and that provides enough distraction. You lose yourself in being home again - the smells, the people, the laughter, the Spanish, the music. It's so good to feel a little loved by everyone around you, so good for once to have no one screwing you over again and again.