Exposed

Chapter Thirty-Five

We're sitting in our unmoving car silently outside of the courthouse. The reporters and paparazzi are gone now. Through the side-mirror, I can see Charles' car seat. I can't stop staring at it. My body is numb. Every part of me is numb, trying desperately to heal itself from the pain I'm experiencing. I'm still spasming from shock.

I've lost two children in less than a month. We have.

Matteo breathes in, reaching for the console. I tear my eyes from the car seat to him, panicked.

"Matteo, I can't go back there. I can't go home."

I can't be amongst his things.

He stares at me but eventually nods and then immediately, my eyes drift back to Charles car seat. Months ago, we were in almost this exact place. I had a new child in my arms. We were unprepared. I sat in the back because we didn't have a car seat yet.

Things were so different.

I thought I was lost then.

***

I hide my face, clutching onto Matteo as an attendant walks us to our room. He doesn't speak, which I'm sure we're all glad for. I wiped my cheeks minutes ago and black makeup spread across my fingers. Maybe he's scared of me. I could care less right now.

When the man opens the door, Matteo hands him money, having already had it ready. He doesn't say a word, bringing me inside. He flickers the light on.

My eyes scan the room before finding the bed. I just want to sleep. I want to forget this ever happened.

"Do you want a shower? A bath?" Matteo asks gently. I shake my head.

"How about something to eat? I could order something in... whatever you want."

"No, I'm just tired. I want to sleep."

"Okay," he whispers, running a hand over the back of my head. He breathes in deeply, surrendering to the fact that we are way past consoling each other. "Okay."

I walk away from him, getting onto the soft mattress and crawl to the pillows, lying down over the covers. I close my eyes, relishing in the darkness, anxious to be unconscious. I feel Matteo's hands on the comforter beside me and I reluctantly open my eyes again.

"Lift up," he murmurs. I stare at him, knowing he's trying. I do as he says and he pulls the comforter out from beneath me, resting the warm material against my chin. I reach out, grasping his hand when he goes to turn away.

"You're not tired?"

He shakes his head. "I'm going to shower. I'll be back in a bit."

I nod as he walks around the bed, towards the bathroom and remember a time when I used to be the one to comfort him, console him... He's gotten so strong. When he shuts the door behind him, and I hear the shower begin to run, I turn back onto my side and close my eyes, finding peace.

***

I open my eyes slowly, finding Matteo bent beside the bed. His fingers push back the lose strands of my hair fanned over my eyes. He's in a gray t-shirt and sweats. I notice they're his. He sleeps in them all the time.

"You went home?" I whisper hoarsely. My voice is gone.

He nods. His eyes are dark, really dark. "Only to get some things. I think it's best we stay here for a few days."

I'm relieved. I don't know when I'll ever be able to go back there, see Charles toys on the ground, his room, his unmade bed. It feels like he's died. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of him.

I close my eyes, exhausted. "Do my parents know?"

"Yes. Your sister too. They want to come."

"No. I don't want them to."

"Emma, you need more people than just me right now."

"I don't. I can't." I begin to panic. I can't take them right now. "Matteo, please, don't... I can't-"

He clasps my face, wiping the tear I hadn't even known had escaped the barrier. "Okay. Okay... it'll be just you and me."

I relax, still clutching his arm. He lets me go and grabs something.

A cotton swab and my bottle of makeup remover.

"Close your eyes for me," he whispers as if I'm a child. I do and he rubs the soft material over my eyelids gently, removing the makeup that's plastered on my face. "And open them."

He takes off the remainder beneath my eyes before pulling back. I smile, touched by the sweet gesture but that just ignites emotions I'm trying to push back.

As if someone flicked a switch in my body, I'm crying again.

My chest heaves as if it's going to break and I try to cover my face, feeling horrible for doing this to him again. He remains silent, rubbing his hand over my thigh gently.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get past this.

***

When I wake once again, the room is dark. It's night-time. How late, I don't know. I can barely open my eyes. I try to move but I'm sore. My bones don't seem to want to work with me. So, I give up. I relax back into the mattress.

That is until my eyes zone in on Matteo sitting on the loveseat at the other end of the room. He's facing a television that is turned off. He's sitting in the dark. And what's left of my heart cracks further at the lonely image of him. I suddenly feel very guilty.

While I have no trouble showing my pain to him, he still does. He always has. He's a hider. He will take the hurt and bottle it up until he can't anymore.

He lost him too. And while I loved Charles from the start, it took him a long time to open his heart to him. He resisted loving him for so long, scared of the emotions that would come with parenthood... and now Charles is gone. And I become painstakingly aware of how much this has to be hurting him too.

Knowing that, I force myself up off the mattress. I walk over to him. He doesn't seem to know I'm coming until I'm in front of him. I look down at him as his eyes flicker up to mine, red-rimmed. I sit down beside him and he looks away from me, rubbing beneath his nose quickly.

I lift his arm and scoot close to him, reaching up to clasp the back of his neck. I press my face into his shirt, breathing in deeply as he rests his hand on my back.

"He's... he's probably terrified," Matteo whispers then, painfully. I clutch him tighter as he finally lets his hurt show. He breaks down, inconsolably.