Evil Games. {Calum Hood fanfic}

-Calum-

It sucked, I did not even want to be there, but it was all my fault. All my fault to even think we could be together, I wasn't taking advantage of her breakup, but for fucks sake.

"Shweta, stop being so disrespectful, seriously do whatever you want!" Michael finally said and got up to leave.

Shweta looked at me and I avoided the eye contact, because it was embarrassing as fuck. I was let down, in the worst way. "I'm sorry." She said, genuine this time, "I know, I'm being a little shit. I'm really sorry."

I smiled, well tried to and glanced a look at her, so beautiful, so sincere, I just want to... oh god, I'm going to die, "Its okay, we should just think of the band now." I simply said.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?" I couldn't believe she had the nerve to still ask me this, she knew she was playing with fire.

"No, I'm seriously nobody, you're right! I have to go, now. I'll see you tomorrow or something." I got up and left, not even caring what she had to say on that, because for a fact, she would stop me and I did not want to be rude or anything, which I was, but hey! This time I had the right to be mad.

***

2:25AM

2am, I've always been so captivated by the time 2am, it feels like the perfect time to miss someone, its the time where you can't help but breakdown and cry or you just feel happy for no reason. For me, 2am has been the time where you feel you've lost a friend, or you realize how many good friends you've made. For me, 2 am is the time where you feel everything and anything at once. Where you overthink, over dramatize everything.

It is said that our hearts have the worst memories, and the fact that someone does not love us requires an hourly reminder. But sometimes, we forget. We like to play with the fantasy that they love us, that they even could love us. We obsess over texts, emails, and past conversations, rereading and reciting them late into the night, looking for any hints that our fantasy could be true. We're torn between love and facing reality, but the result is the same either way. We try to romanticize this fiery passion burning in our heart when really we're romanticizing heartburn and heartbreaks.

Sometimes our hearts are cursed with the best memories because we simply cannot forget. In the morning, her/his, well for me, Shweta's face comes to mind with my ringing alarm clock. They are in your head and heart before you know what day it is. And no matter how much you try to bury it with distraction, no matter how much you try to move on with your life, this love is still there at the end of the day, like a nagging tucked somewhere between your aorta and right ventricle.

Behind every one sided love is an almost lover and a heart that is bruised and bitter and cold from detachment. One-sided love is one-sided suffering. There's a certain self-destruction to unrequited love and a desire to drown in it, a desire to choose the fantasy. We're drowning but we just won't die.

But you know what? We can't always choose who we like. We like who we like and more often than not it ends up being a really shitty situation. But we can choose what to do with those emotions. We can choose to be smart about them. We can choose to put them in a box and shove them under a bed or in the back of a closet and move on. And that was what I'm going to do, move on. Shweta was a beautiful disaster but she did not get too much to me, I knew her for a month and that was it. She didn't get to me and she was going to leave me. I wasn't going to chase her, that's not me. I'm not going to sit here and wait for her to come back, or wait for her to realize how much I like her and prove my love for her or pull up a fight with her fucked up boyfriend. This competition would be the only thing that was make me look at her face, I knew I should have shut her out long back, but better late than never, right? 

Because, there's so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn't. There's a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering things about so many other things than hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn't need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole person on your own. I should do everything with love, but I'm not going to romanticize life like you can't survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, so yeah, all this time hoping to be with Shweta was cool, but you know, life would still go on even if she never entered mine. Nothing will be the same, but it'll be okay now. I know I'm meant to be who I've always been and not the person Shweta made me in a matter of a month. 

So, Shweta D'costa, you know what? You can fuck your boyfriend or anyone you want, and this time, I do not care.