Half-truths | Vicerylle Oneshots

6: Lens

“Bagay talaga sila, no?”

I forced a smile at Anne and nodded. I was reviewing the photos I took to see if I’m already satisfied, o kung may gusto pa akong idagdag na kunan. Oo, bagay nga sila sa lente, sa epekto ng magandang camera. Pero kahit naman siguro kahit sinong kunan ko ng picture, kahit hindi magkakilalang nagkatabi lang sa jeep ay magiging bagay. Yun ang trabaho ko eh, mapalabas na maganda ang mga bagay-bagay kahit sa katotohanan ay hindi naman talaga.

“Okay na, we’re done.” sabi ko at nag-thumbs up sakanilang dalawa. Nagpasalamat naman sila sa akin at ngumiti nalang ako in response. Inabot ko ang camera kay Anne para maipakita niya sa subjects ang mga photos para ipaapprove sakanila. Dumiretso agad ako sa tulay kung saan ko sila kinunan kanina para mag-yosi.

Natatanaw ko parin sila mula dito, nakatingin sila sa screen ng laptop habang magkadikit ang mga mukha at nakangiti. Humalik ang lalake sa pisngi ng fiance niya, kasabay nang pagtapon ko sa sigarilyo sa semento at madiin na pagtapak ko dito.

~

Pagkauwi ko, I went straight to the ‘darkroom’ to have the photos printed. Well technically this place could still be called a darkroom since I prefer this space to be dimly-lit. May pre-nuptial photoshoot na naman ako bukas, at sa susunod na araw. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron sa March at kaliwa’t kanan ang mga nagpapakasal, but who am I to complain? Sakanila naman ako kumikita.

I set up yet another cord where I’d hang the photos to dry. Bata palang ako, ito na yung pinaka-gusto kong ginagawa ng mga photographers na napapanood ko sa mga palabas. Kaya siguro kahit digital naman na ngayon at hindi na uso ang mga films at manual dodging or burning, gusto ko parin na ganito ang vibe ng workshop ko.

I lounged in my revolving chair as I wait for my computer to start up. I looked around the walls where I hang my favorite photographs, and my eyes momentarily stopped on one particular frame which contained six photos.

I have always seen the world through my most loved artificial lens. I have learned to appreciate every scene, every moment, every little thing – even those seemingly unimportant ones, becase of this little piece. I have witnessed a lot of great things in my life while working on my camera’s focus, and one of them, fortunately, included you.

I was covering a debut then, taking random pictures at the venue. My hands were tirelessly clicking the shutter all throughout the event, and while everyone’s eyes are on the supposed star of the night, mine were on you. I’ve laid my lens on you, for the first time.

Hell, I even forgot to take a picture of the debutant dancing with her 14th escort when I saw you. I found myself gazing at you through my camera lens, and when I have come to my senses, I was maniacally taking snaps of you so I could keep at least a bit of your memory before I resume my job.

As soon as the night ended, I’ve searched the hall for you but you were not there anymore. I went home feeling so despaired, but giddily flicked through the photos I took. It turns out you’ve occupied a lot of MB on my memory card, and not only a bit.

I might sound like a creep, but I saved your pictures on my laptop and did not include it on the event’s album when I uploaded it online. Months passed and your face was starting to fade in my mind, but then fate has its way of making two distant worlds crash in the most unexpected time.

There we are again, same situation yet different setting. I’ve laid my lens on you, for the second time. I took one snap, and then I mustered all the courage in the world to walk up to you and ask your name. I can’t leave this place again, knowing our current proximity, without even trying to know you.

It never went smooth and easy for me. You were so hard to get, and I had to gain your trust in a matter of 2 hours so I could ask for your number and take you out on a date on the succeeding days, weeks, or probably months. You’ve rejected me several times, but because of my persistence, you finally gave in.

I did not think it was possible that a passion could lead you to another passion. Before, I’ve only seen your beauty through my artificial lens, but my real lenses revealed a beauty that was way beyond the enhancement of camera effects – and I fell.

And you did, too. Surprisingly. You became my muse, my most loved subject to focus on. You were always in front of my camera, and I love being behind it as long as I’m taking your photos. You’ve always asked me to take a picture of us, but I was never good at selfies or self-timers. How I wish I could capture our moments together perfectly like what I do for others, but then you said my brain and eyes are better memory card and lenses, and it is guaranteed that these memories would last forever – no file corruption.

But photographs fade, and sometimes they are burned or torn. That’s what happened to us.

I don’t know why but I still develop my favorite pictures of you, of us, until now. Maybe I’m somehow hoping that it would eventually bring us back to the past, back to that very time when we posed for these photos, back to the time when we were happily in love with each other.

I stared at our pictures for a little longer. I’ve grown stubble now, which you’d probably find annoying and unneat. I don’t know what else has changed over the past year, but what I’m certain of is my feelings never did, and will never do.

Just when I thought a darkroom is called its name just because of its literal sense, apparently it was also a connotation. My world is caving in around me as I stand here in this darkroom, and photos of you surround me like a poison slowly taking effect – but I’d willingly die a painful death as long as you’ll be the last thing I’ll see.

~

“Vice, 2 pm.” said Anne on the other end of the line. I yawned and checked the time, it is already 12 noon.

“Alam ko...” I mumbled sleepily. Lagi siyang ganito simula nung nag-move out ka. I became really irresponsible and forgetful of my appointments since then kaya lagi na niya akong nireremind. Nag-hang up narin siya and after 10 minutes, bumangon narin ako para makapag-ayos. Kung pwede lang sana akong mag-cancel ngayong araw, gagawin ko eh.

Anne was being frantic when I reached the venue. Magseset-up na sana ako when she held me by the arm and took me somewhere a bit far from where our mini tent was.

“I’m really sorry Vice, I didn’t know!” she said, almost teary-eyed.

“Huy, ano bang meron?”

“Hi.”

I immediately turned around at the sound of that voice. There she was, standing right in front of me, after twelve long months of separation. She was wearing that same smile when my camera first saw her, but then again, the setting’s entirely different now. I am wearing a plain white shirt, while she’s wearing a long white bridal gown.

I did the thing I’m being an expert at since she left: I forced a smile to mask my pain. “Ready?” was all I managed to say. She nodded silently and walked towards her fiance, her gown flowing behind her. She is so beautiful, so angelic, so perfect. I was close to tears but for which reason, I’m not really sure. I wanted to cry because I’ve always dreamt of her wearing a bridal gown while I take photos. I wanted to cry because she’s not wearing it for me.

My solemn reverie was broken by Anne. “Kaibigan pala ni Karylle yung tumawag sakin Vice, and I swear I could’ve turned it down—”

“Tara na. Naghihintay na sila.” I said and walked to my subjects to brief them. It’s just another photoshoot. Just another project. Just another heartbreak.

A year has passed, but my camera still loves you. You are so comfortable posing in front of my lens, and I’m not sure if it’s the camera that did the magic or it’s just so natural with the two of you. You look so happy, so in love, and here I am again seeing you through my lenses: situation and setting entirely different. You are not happy because of me because you are not in love with me anymore. I wanted to focus on you and blur him out, like he doesn’t even exist, but I know it would be pointless. I’m already too late.

I’ve always loved being behind the camera as long as you are my subject, but not until today. For the first time in my life, I am ready to put down my camera and be in front of it, and ultimately, be beside you.

But I knew I’m laying my lens on you for the last time – both artificial and real.