shattered souls won't mend themselves (supercorp au)

day terrors

infinity_in_his_eyes and I offer u this 7000 word chapter as a peace offering for being really sucky at updating please drop some comments or something let us know what you think!

//Lena POV//

The sun beats through my windows. I thought I closed those damn curtains. Then my brain kicks in for real. Kara. Kara opened them. Dammit, Kara.

My eyes wander over to the knife I dropped beside the hole in the wall last night. The sun is glinting off it, making it look like some pinprick of heavenly fire. I slowly push back the sheets and slip my feet onto the cold floor. My toes curl as I walk over to the knife. I pick it up and I look at the now-brown bloodstain on the sharp end. Not today, I promise myself . Not yet. I drive the knife into the hole in the wall.

I'm about to turn away and get dressed when I realize just how deep into the wall the blade is. It must be close to breaking through to the other side. I try to remember why I even started this little project. I can't seem to drag anything to the surface (maybe it's better that way). Despite this, I still feel compelled to finish it. Even if I ran away from Kara yesterday. I slam my head against the wall (the solid section). I don't even care if Kara hears. I can't seem to care about anything other than being able to just see her. I push back the tears (they still fall) as I curl up against the one thing between me and the girl who shook apart my world.

I slowly realize that the me from a year ago (hell, probably even a month ago) would have been furious. She would have stormed into Kara's room and threatened her, scared her into keeping her distance. The me from a month ago would have threatened to use her pocketknife on Kara instead of herself.

I lift my head up just an inch or so, so my eyes are level with the handle of the blade in the wall. My eyesight is blurred by the tears gathering (and falling) from my eyelashes. Angrily, I huff out a breath and wipe some of the tears away. I sit up straighter, reach out with my right hand, grab the knife. I slowly turn it around in my hand. I pull down the neckline of my shirt with my left hand, baring the pale skin covering my heart. I'm not even seeing anything as I bring the still-bloodstained tip of the knife to my chest; my gaze is trained on something past the wall, outside the window, something that I'm not sure is even out there for me to look at. Kara. I start to twist the blade above my heart just the tiniest bit. Kara. I twist it the other way. Kara. I feel a miniature lightning storm bloom across that tiny patch of skin. Kara. I feel the warm blood trace a trail down my chest, down to the top of by bra. Kara. I close my eyes; I see her tender face leaning closer to mine, ready to press our lips gently together... Kara!

My eyes bolt open, opening the floodgates to a new river of tears. I look down at the trail of deep crimson contrasting my fair skin. Hand shaking, I lift the knife away from my chest. It takes me a while to remember what I told myself not even three whole minutes ago.

Today, something about today....

Not today. Goddamn it Lena, not today.

I choke back a sob and drop the knife to the floor. How does Kara manage elicit so many emotions from me with just her existence?

I cry for about five minutes. It's the longest I've cried in more than six years. I want to say it makes me feel better, but it doesn't. It just makes me want to punch (or maybe stab) myself for being so weak. I hear my mother's voice: You're better than this, Lena. It's the one thing she was ever right about. I straighten my back into a sitting position, angrily rub my eyes, and reach over to the knife. I pick it up and start chipping away at the drywall again. I don't really know why I'm still doing this. Kara's already made my life hell. She's broken my walls, forced my to expose my emotions to the outside world. She's made my heart flutter, made me feel scared, made my cry. She's made me into a completely different person in the span of just two weeks.