Creating Control

Wish I Could Be

Chapter Four~ Wish I Could Be

 It wasn't unusual to find myself locked in my bathroom at midnight. The familiarity of panic racing through my veins was almost calming. My breath raced as I tried to calm myself down. The urge to hurt myself--to punish myself--was growing stronger. I felt like a nuisance and a waste of his time. I would almost bet on it that he'd rather not have to waste his time on a stupid, worthless boy like myself.

"You make everything about yourself. Nobody wants to be around a narcissistic b-tch like you," I whispered to myself. "You'd be better off dead."

I sat there with my thoughts yelling terrible things at me while holding onto my lifeline, my only reason I could handle it. The razor was cold in my hand, but I could barely even feel the cold through my pain. I thought about Mr. Faber and how he really couldn't care about me and that he was probably lying earlier. Something seemed off about that thought, but it seemed to also be the most logical one.

"You deserve it," I growled to myself, pressing the blade into my thigh.

This repeated many times until my thigh was coated in a layer of blood. I had done so many cuts that I felt numb. The feeling of being numb seemed to be better than the pain though. Carefully, I began to wipe the blood away with a towel I kept beneath the sink. The towel was so soaked in blood, but I didn't care. I pulled on my pants and left the bathroom once I was sure the bleeding wouldn't occur again.

I let myself settle into my bed, and my dreams pulled me away into darkness.

That was very disobedient, Jasper.

I was left tossing and turn in my bed all night from that thought. I couldn't sleep because I knew it was wrong; I had done something bad. The desire and need to be punished ran through my veins, and it became to much.

Getting up from my bed, I went into the bathroom and took my little friend back out. I knew it was a bad idea to do what made me feel so terrible again, but I needed to punish myself. With my little friend--the blade--in my hand, I dragged it across my wrist a few times, letting the pain sink.

I was again sobbing on the floor as I thought about what I had done. I broke a big rule that both Ava and Mr. Faber seemed to have--don't hurt yourself, don't punish yourself. My thoughts were racing at what would happen if--when--either of them would find out. They are going to hate me! I knew it, too. I was just a disappointment.

My thoughts seemed to have kept me on the bathroom floor for hours as I was soon drawn from my sorrow by the sound of Ava's voice calling for me. This caused me to panic and quickly wash my arm off and race to pull of a sweatshirt so my arm wouldn't be seen. When I was sure I looked okay and my wounds were unseen, I ventured out of my room to find Ava sitting in the living room.

"Hey, babe, what're you up to?" Ava laughed, turning to look at me as I entered the room.

"Hello, Avalon," was my only response to the crazy girl I called a best friend.

"What do you wanna do today? Before you have to go see Mr. Crazy-for-you?" she again laughed, causing me to just roll my eyes.

"We can do whatever you want, Ava. And he's not, as you say, crazy for me," I sighed, shaking my head at the thought.

 "How about we watch a movie since we don't have class today? And he is totally crazy for you, babe," Ava suggested before adding on to what I considered a pointless argument.

"If that is what you wish, Avalon," was all I could form. My thoughts were still racing back to what I had done last night and this morning. All the wounds seem to pulsate with pain more now than before because of my guilt. The guilt was eating at me, but I was too afraid to tell her the truth.