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Mikey.

It's already mid July.

Half our vacation is over, meaning we have to go back to school in about a month and I sure as hell am not ready.

Today though, is Ray's birthday, meaning we're going to New York for the first time, as a present from his parents.

We visited a cafe and a restaurant and we were also staying there for the night in a cheap motel.

We got two rooms, meaning we had to share and even if Gerard wanted to stay with Frank and so did Frank, he insisted he stayed with me in case I "do anything bad". His whole behavior has really gotten on my nerves because yes I know that I am suicidal but I am not five.

Eventually, after Frank almost crying because he was slowly losing his best friend, I stayed with Ray.

I haven't stopped cutting but I did start using make up so Gerard didn't see. Sometimes he did and he was not happy.

Yet he never gave up on me. He's always disappointed and begs me to stop but he keeps telling me that time heals and I'm going to beat depression one day.

I don't believe that.

My nightmares and night terrors keep getting worse and worse. They're not tremors, they're worse than tremors, they're these terrors, like late at night.

The nights I've cried myself to sleep next to Gerard in his room keep getting increased.

Pete has gone on vacation miles away until the end of August, so I'm free from him for now.

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