Only Your Arms (Harry Styles Fan fiction)

Chapter 59

Before you begin, I'd like to say that this is the end of the first half/ part of my book. There will be a memo at the end explaining more, but I hope you enjoy this last chapter of the first half. The second will be posted very soon. 

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I sat on my couch alone, a random movie playing on the screen and a blanket securely wrapped around me. I had been by myself for the majority of the day after being let out of the hospital at around 4 am the night before. Harry dropped me off before I told him to simply go home. I could still see his face when I told him that I wanted to sleep by myself that night- I could still see the hurt in his eyes. He knew exactly what was about to happen- I was about to shut him and the rest of the world out and lock myself away from humanity. And he knew he couldn't do anything about it.

Anyone who knew me knew that when I went through something, I went through it by myself. I would fall into this abyss that nobody could get me out of, not even the people I loved most in this world. It was a hollow feeling within me that I couldn't quite explain or understand. I just knew it existed and it was the worst feeling in the world. I felt this feeling every time I went though something. The worst part about this particular incident, though, is that I felt it so deeply this time. In the hospital room, on the drive home, and as I attempted to put myself to sleep that night- I felt the feeling within me so deeply.

It had never been this bad. 

I felt it as the sun streamed through my window in the morning. I felt it as I walked slowly around my empty house, my body sore and my head aching. The feeling of not getting enough sleep the night before settled in as noon rolled around and I felt the deep feeling then too. I wanted nothing more than to lay in bed and disappear from everyone and everything. 

The trauma from the night before had settled in as the fifth movie played and I felt myself slipping into a dangerous depression that I wasn't sure I could get out of. Just the thought of seeing what people were talking about made me shake. People I didn't even know knew everything about my life- every detail, every incident, every person, everything. And the people I did know, I wasn't even sure I could trust. It was a dark feeling within me and I feared that it would be all I could feel for a long time. Harry had sent me multiple texts and calls, which I grudgingly ignored. It wasn't until I turned my phone off completely that I stopped hearing it buzz. Truth be told, I didn't know why I was ignoring him. Maybe it had to do with the private conversation Jerry and I had just before I left the hospital- the conversation only him, me, and my lawyer knew about. Court would be held a week from today and I had to keep a low profile to avoid any unwanted media coverage. In the meantime, I had to distance myself from the life I had before the incident. This meant cutting off the people I loved most for the time until the trial was over- cutting off the few people I knew that I could trust with my life. Another part of me believed that I was ignoring Harry because I didn't want to drag him into my ridiculous, dramatic, bullshit life. I knew I was depressed. I had definitely felt depression before, but in smaller scales throughout my life. This particular depression, though, was a feeling I had never felt before. The pain was unbearable and I feared I would never get out of it. And if I did get out of it alive, I would be damaged, unable to handle myself or the other things in my life. And as much as Harry wanted to be apart of my damaged life, I couldn't let him. I loved him far too much to let him become damaged too. He deserved better than that- than me. How could you tell the person you love most in this world that you weren't okay? How could you tell someone who looked at you with a light brighter than the one you looked at yourself with and still tell them that you weren't good enough for them? I couldn't do that, so, selfishly, I chose to cut him off for a little while without explaining anything to him. I didn't want to speak to anyone or anything. If people understood what I was going through, they would allow me the space I needed to recover.