We All Have Our Sad Stories

Chapter 24

Lilly sat in the RV, snuggled up to Louis. She tried so hard to sleep, to slip out of this harsh world and go into the fairytale land of her dreams. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't. The only thing that kept her laying down was Louis' arms wrapped tight around her. She wiggled around in his arms, hoping that he got the clue to loosen up. He did, turning over in the bed they slept in, allowing Lilly to move.
She sighed in relief, standing up from the bed and sneaking outside. She knew that Ness was out there, keeping watch, and Lilly wanted to talk with her friend. Lilly knew that Ness would feel as if Harry's death was her fault. She always blamed herself for everyone's death. Even if she had nothing to do with it. The guilt would eat her alive.
Lilly closed the RV door quietly behind her, trying not to wake anyone. As the door quietly clicked shut, she breathed out a sigh of relief, and turned to go find her friend.
Ness was a wreck, her hair laying in tangled clumps across her forehead. She was shaking unintentionally, the action just sort of happening whether she wanted it to or not.
"Ness?" Lilly called out, not surprised when Ness turned a gun on her. Lilly just pushed it out of the way. "Go to sleep."
"I'm fine." She couldn't say she wasn't tired; she didn't want to lie.
"Sleep. You're going to be sick."
"And when have I ever cared?"
"Never," Lilly stated quietly. "But I was thinking that maybe you would now.. Because of everyone."
Ness glared, her eyes pointed daggers. "Why would you think that?"
Lilly's eyes were cast down, her voice softer. "I don't know.. You and Zayn seem to get along, I guess." Previous conversations flashed into Lilly's mind, shocking discoveries waiting to be spilled to the one she was trying her hardest to keep them from.
Ness sighed deeply. "That's nothing. He's nothing, Lilly." The way she repeated it made Lilly think otherwise. Once was usually enough for Ness.
She brushed it off, though. "Alright. So are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Ness asked, sitting up straighter to avoid falling asleep.
"Well, Zayn and I were talking about Harry earlier.. He told me about what you think happened. That's not how it is, Ness." Lilly sat next to Ness on the ground seeing as there were no more chairs. Ness didn't object.
"You can't talk me out of the guilt," Ness harshly spoke.
"I figured not. But come on, Ness. Your theory is random. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. Why are you always so quick to blame yourself?" Even though Harry's death could have very well been Lilly's fault, she didn't cling onto that thought as Ness did.
"You know my story," Ness simply said. "If I'm correct, you know exactly why I blame myself. I'm better than this, Lilly. At least, I think I am. Sometimes." She slowly pushed herself back down, her eyes resting closed. "My parents trained me for this. Maybe not for this specifically, but for a war setting-- life-threatening situations. I'm failing them, letting all of these deaths happen. I'm not good enough. I never have been. Not for my parents, not for Noah, not for Harry, not for anyone."
"That is most definitely not true," Lilly whispered, having heard these words come from Ness' mouth before. But before not as many deaths had occurred. Before, it was different. Before, she also didn't have Zayn, someone who actually felt for her what Lilly couldn't.
"Zayn thinks you're good enough."
"And why does he matter?" Ness asked, tears threatening to spill.
"You know why," Lilly whispered, placing her hand on Ness' curled up fist for a second. Even though they weren't comfortable with contact, Lilly touched her momentarily before drawing back. The sensation had calmed her for a second, but as soon as it was gone Ness was lonely again. It was what always happened. Whenever she needed the comfort, Lilly was there. But not for long. It was only a short matter of time before Lilly crept back to herself again.
"Maybe I do, but that still doesn't change the fact that I think I'm not good enough." Ness said, playing with the blades of grass around her. "I mean, I couldn't save all those people. How can I be 'good enough'?" Lilly narrowed her eyes at Ness in frustration, then sighed deeply.
"Look, Ness. I need you to understand that neither Harry or Noah was your fault. I know you think it is, but it's not," Lilly said through clenched teeth. She tried hard not to get frustrated with Ness, but sometimes she found it very hard not to. Lilly had a short fuse, but she tried not to blow up on her friend.
"But Harry--" Ness began, but Lilly raised her hand, cutting her off.
"No, Ness. It wasn't your fault! You were protecting the both of us from zombies. If Harry's death was anyone's fault, it was mine. I was right there. I could've prevented it, but I just sat back and let it happen. I watched my best friend get torn to shreds, so his death has absolutely nothing to do with you," Lilly hissed, angry tears falling down her face. Ness widened her eyes. Lilly had never been this angry with her.
"I'm sorry. I see his death had a big affect on you, and I'm sorry you lost someone so important to you," Ness softly said, trying to calm Lilly down. Words meant nothing to Ness. Thoughts were everything, but no one knew her thoughts. Lilly took deep breaths, simmering down.
"It's okay. I'm fine. I just need sleep, and so do you. Goodnight, Ness. Don't be too hard on yourself, alright?" Lilly whispered, getting up from the ground, wiping tears off of her cheeks. Ness nodded, slightly smiling.
"Goodnight Lils," she said, using Lilly's nickname from when they were kids. Lilly smiled, then turned, walking back to the RV she shared with Louis and Bill.
Lilly walked into the vehicle, heading back to where Louis was. She slept next to him so often now, it was her immediate reaction to go to him when she was tired. She strongly believed that Louis kept the dam that held her nightmares intact.
As she laid down next to the boy, he stirred, wrapping his arm around her waist tightly. Lilly smiled slightly. She liked feeling the security and safety of Louis. He made the whole grieving process of Harry easier. He made her happy. Or, at least as happy as someone like her can be. Louis helped Lilly forget about the troubles in life. The sadness, the pain, all of it. He had saved her from complete emotional destruction, and she couldn't thank him enough.
"Goodnight, Louis." Lilly whispered, snuggling her back into his chest, dozing off.
*~*~*
Ness woke the group the next morning, no one choosing to acknowledge the dark circles that lined underneath her eyes. They head out to the circle of RVs in the middle of the clearing, Ness leading the group with a gun on her hip. The smell of food made everyone's mouths water, the group slowly speeding until most of them were ahead of Ness.
As they stepped into the circle they were met with cautious but friendly stares. A woman, bright and smiling, with waist-long brown hair and a pixie-like face engulfed Perrie in a hug. It only lasted for a second, but Perrie was obviously surprised. When the woman pulled away, she grabbed Perrie's hands and swung them back and forth, a light smile still on her face.
"It's nice to know there's still people out there. We've been lonely." Perrie simply stared, her eyebrow arched up in confusion. The woman, seeming to startle herself, quickly apologized. "So sorry, dear. I'm Delilah, Sam's mother. I heard about the run-in yesterday. He needed a good scare. So full of himself, that child." She rambled on a lot longer than necessary. "And who are you?"
Perrie barely squeaked her name out in reply, her hands slowly inching out of Delilah's.
"I seem to be scatterbrained today!" piped Delilah. "Come, children! We've got more than enough food to share." She led them to the middle of the circle, where a fire was burning. It was about 5 feet wide and a shopping cart was turned sideways and placed on top of it, serving as a grill. Tinfoil rested on the cart and bits of food were laying across the entirety of it. Eggs were mostly what was cooking, and the group's mouths watered more with every second that passed.
"How did you ever manage to get this much food?" Louis asked, his eyes wide with excitement and his stomach rumbling with hunger.
"We were all part of one neighborhood and it just so happened that we had all gone shopping the day before. There's a couple of nature experts here as well. Collecting eggs is some of the easy stuff. We just happened to be very fortunate."
Delilah pulled glass plates out of a bag and gently handed them one by one to some other woman standing by the fire. She slid two eggs onto each plate and Delilah gave them out, a fork following right after. Everyone sort of stopped and stared for a moment, trying to decide if their eyes were deceiving them. They were having real food, and it was hot, which was an added bonus.
Zayn was the first to dig in, stuffing his face until the eggs were gone. It was eaten in record time. Mostly everyone else thanked Delilah and her friend and went and sat on the hay bales to eat theirs. The two groups were evidently separated, Ness' group squishing together on the 3 bales that weren't occupied by anyone from the other group. It was deathly quiet, the only sounds being the sizzling and cracking of the fire and Delilah's constant chattering.
As everyone ate practically silently, Ness just stared at her food, her hand twirling her fork around. Zayn got up and sat next to her on the grass, seeing as Lilly and Louis took up the other half of the bale.
"Something wrong?"
"My stomach hurts," Ness complained, her expression stoic.
"Then maybe you should eat." He jokingly lifted her hand and cut off a piece of the egg, holding it in front of her mouth. She turned her head to the side to avoid it.
"It doesn't feel right."
"What doesn't?" He was obviously perplexed, worry lines appearing on his forehead. She needed to eat. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen her eat anything.
"This. Being here. Eating their food."
"It'll take some getting used to, but you'll adjust. I mean, come on, they have food. We barely had any of that."
"You don't understand. It's this feeling I get that means something bad is going to happen. It always does. Noah, Harry, all of that. There was always this feeling."
"You'll be fine." He pat her on the leg, brushing off her feelings for mistaken nervousness. She just shifted so she was facing away from him, offended that he wouldn't believe her. He looked lonely sitting on the ground so he stood and took his spot back next to Perrie, who had finished her meal.
Ness ended up standing and slipping her eggs to Liam when he wasn't looking. He was too incoherent to notice when another egg appeared. He simply thought he had imagined eating his own and gorged on Ness'.
Louis and Lilly stayed together, knees pointed inward towards each other as they talked lightly. The quiet was spooking them, the judgmental stares not helping at all. While Lilly glared at a few especially harsh ones, Louis avoided eye contact with anyone that wasn't from their original group. Delilah decided to speak up when she finally decided the silence had gone on far too long.
"You are all so scary, glaring at each other like this. We're going to have to live together and share anyways. Isn't it better to get along now?" It made sense, of course. The group turned to Ness and her palms started to sweat from the pressure. After the wrong decisions she had made recently it was more difficult to know what was right and wrong. She had always been so sure of herself but as of now she had no clue.
Right before she answered a child ran around the fire and up to Lilly and Louis. Louis smiled as the child stuck out their hand. "I'm Justin."
"Hi." Louis' smile brightened, shaking the kid's hand and telling him his name. "Oh, and this is Lilly." She just waved, trying to force a smile. Disgusted thoughts flooded her mind as the kid forcibly hugged her. A groan left her mouth before she could stop it. The kid pulled back almost immediately.
"Sorry." He backed away a couple of steps, his smile fading.
Louis smacked Lilly upside the head. "Dumbass." She shouted in surprise but apologized to the kid quietly.
"Sorry, kid."
"My name is Justin, not Kid." He crossed his arms over his chest, not intimidating anyone in the least. Louis almost giggled at how adorable he found it.
"You're lucky I even said anything," Lilly sneered. Louis smacked Lilly again, harder this time.
"You dumb f*ck, quit hitting me!" she shouted, a non-avoidable smile on her face.
"Then be nice." He laughed. "So, Justin, why are you here?"
"I thought she was my mommy." He had such an innocent look on his face. Louis knew as soon as he turned his head what expression Lilly would have.
"What the f*ck?" were the only words that left Lilly's mouth.
"She had curly hair too," he explained, as if that made things all better.
"And? Why do I care?" There was another smack, a bright red mark left on Lilly's thigh. "Damn it, Lou." It was now that she noticed everyone's eyes on them. Her cheeks turned scarlet and she hid her face in Louis' chest.
Justin started talking again and pointed at Louis. "If you two are together, you can be my daddy."
"Where the hell are this kid's parents?" Lilly mumbled. Justin answered her.
"Oh, they're dead," he said. He didn't even falter and Louis looked at him in awe. Lilly just looked up in understanding, just like Ness was. You forget after a while, the pain and loss. Being a child doesn't help at all. If you're young, the memories sometimes fade away. Not the most mentally-scarring ones, of course, but the other, more forgettable ones.
"How'd they die?" Lilly chose to be blunt, as usual, earning an incredulous stare from Louis.
"They got lost but I know they're dead. It was a really long time ago."
"Oh, come on. You've got to have at least a little faith," Louis consoled, slightly bothered by how the kid's facial expression hadn't changed yet. Everyone around him seemed to be emotionless. Yet he saw James wave at him behind Justin's back, signaling for him to cut it out. He did, already putting the pieces together in his head.
Justin ignored his statement. "So will you be my new parents?"
"You've never even met us before," Lilly cleverly pointed out, trying in any way possible to get herself out of this situation.
"But you're nice and I want someone to tuck me in again." Lilly looked him over.
"How old are you?" He looked around ten, maybe eleven.
"Seven." Louis choked on his own spit, his surprise genuine. He had definitely aged too quickly.
"Of course you are," Lilly mumbled under her breath. This time she spoke louder. "I'm not your mother."
"Can we just pretend?" He brought out big, pleading blue eyes. Lilly knew without looking that Louis' were the same.
"We can surely pretend, Lilly," Louis bartered. The idea of taking care of children elated him. It had been a while since a little pack of joy had been seen anywhere and the innocence was something he had been missing. Adults were too serious. The only pure moments he'd had lately were the few he received when he pulled Lilly out of her little shell.
"Whatever." Lilly sighed, smirking when Louis pecked her on the cheek.
Niall just glared, the scene in front of him one that he didn't want to see. Louis always denied it but this last step of practically adopting a child sent Niall over the brim. He stood and stalked back off to the RV he was staying in to prepare for another search. Ness followed him, seeing as there was no need for her presence anymore. Zayn just watched her leave.
Justin looked up at Lilly with big blue eyes. Lilly thought they were a little too big for his head, but stayed silent in fear that Louis would deliver another stinging smack to her skin.
"Want to come look at my toy trucks? They're really cool." Justin chattered excitedly. Louis smiled brightly and nodded at the child, making him smile. The small boy then turned to Lilly, a hopeful look in his eyes. "How about you, Mommy?" Lilly scowled, purely out of habit.
"I'm not your mom, Kid."
Justin just smiled, ignoring Lilly's comment, turning to lead the couple in the direction of his beloved toys. Lilly stayed in place, arms crossed. Louis turned to her, frowning.
"Why are you so rude?" he asked the brunette girl in front of him. Lilly shrugged.
"I don't like kids, and I don't want to see his toys," she stated simply. Louis chuckled lightly.
"You're going to learn how to be nice, and I'm going to teach you. Step one, go look at this kid's toys. It'll make him happy. It'd make me happy if you went with me," Louis said hopefully, grabbing one of Lilly's hands and tugging her body to his. He wrapped his strong arms around her waist, holding her against him. Lilly would've struggled, but she liked the way Louis' arms felt wrapped around her.
*~*~*
Twenty minutes later Ness saw Lilly walking back towards their RVs. Lilly was obviously pissed, her tense stature and brooding features not pleasing to the eyes. Zayn had come up about ten minutes earlier, Perrie surprisingly hanging back with the other group to get to know them.
Ness was disgusted by how easily everyone seemed to trust this group. Yes, they needed the food, shelter, and other necessities, but was it really worth putting everyone in danger? Ness didn't have time to completely think the thought through before Zayn was behind her, poking her shoulder to jog her back.
"Everything okay?" He analyzed her carefully, not able to tell her mood.
"I've already told you everything." She had, really. Everything that dealt with her current and recent emotions had been told. It didn't feel right being here, and the sick feeling in her stomach was growing stronger by the hour.
"That's not true. Not everything." He smiled at her, hoping to let her know he was only teasing.
"Sure. Well I'm going to look for Amie with Niall. We'll be back before sundown."
"You're going to spend the whole day out there? At least come back for lunch. Take a nap or something." He spoke with force, hoping to convey his worry through words.
"Naps? What is this, kindergarten?"
"It is possible for adults to take naps, you know. It's normal to get tired."
"Yes, and it's also possible to fight through the exhaustion and get done what needs to be done." Her arms crossed over her chest, her mouth twitching in pain for a second before it settled back down. Running the other day had done a number of her stitches. She had looked at it the night before but hadn't brought it to anyone else's attention.
"Like going on a search party in the middle of an apocalypse for someone you never even talked to?"
"If it was Perrie missing, would you continue to look for her?" Her eyes narrowed, a glare emanating from her. He swore he could feel a little extra heat from her stare alone.
"Truthfully?" She nodded. "No, I wouldn't have searched this long. Not after we migrated so far away from where we originally lost them."
"So you just give up? Once you're tired, you stop fighting?"
"Yes?" He sounded unsure, not completely certain where she was heading.
"Well then. Looks like you need to learn a few things." She walked off without another word.
*~*~*
As the sun was setting, Zayn kept his eyes on the tree line, hoping to spot Ness and Niall soon. They hadn't come back yet after this morning and everyone had already had dinner. He thought about setting some of his own food aside for Ness but the hunger consumed him and he ate it all quickly.
Just as Zayn was about to turn around, he saw a few people moving in the trees, Ness and Niall being escorted back into the clearing by James and some other built man. Zayn turned his back to them and pretended he never saw anything. Saying that he felt guilty about his earlier response was a belittlement. Yet he couldn't deny that it was the truth.
Maybe it was purely love that was fueling Niall on his seemingly endless quest. Zayn couldn't think of anything else to explain it, but the evidence didn't line up. Louis had given up, and it was pretty obvious to most people how much he loved Eleanor. Images of Louis with his apparently new significant other contradicted his theory and he was back at square one. What would make Niall keep up his little endless battle with fate? Had he just not figured out that the world was made of crushed dreams and shattered feelings?
Ness sat next to him in the grass, looking up at him and claiming she had planned to sit there anyways. He was directly in front of her new sleeping quarters. Instead of moving he just plopped right down next to her and joyously watched her eat. She seemed much more comfortable now than when she had first left. Maybe killing was her stress reliever. It was apparent she had killed something due to the new bright red blood splatters across her shirt.
"Have fun?" he asked lightly, his heart skipping a beat when she looked at him mid-bite. No matter how ludicrous it sounded, he found that view of her extravagant and mentally took a picture, storing it away for a rainy day. It was nice to see her eating and drinking after she hadn't in days. A ghost of a smile brightened her face and Zayn couldn't help but grin back. It was contagious.
"If you can call another unsuccessful day of searching fun, then sure, of course. It was loads of fun."
"You're a sarcastic little bitch, you know that right?"
"Hell yeah." She laughed, throwing her head back. He was genuinely shocked she hadn't taken the conversation on a more serious turn. It was just what she usually did.
"Am I allowed to ask why you're so happy?" He leaned back on his hands, a more casual way to sit.
"Can I not indulge in the feeling of happiness every once in a while? Is it illegal?" He was elated at the sight of her smiling, but one look into her eyes and the good feelings deflated. Her eyes were blank, void, dead.
"You're faking," he stated abruptly. His eyes scanned her face, and sure enough, it slowly came to the light. The deep bags were still under her eyes, her skin ashen and sallow. Worry lines were spread all across her features, and as he looked at her pale lips, he saw it. For the most part, they seemed happy, but at the corners they were still turned down. He almost wanted to smack himself for missing all of these details that were directly in front of him.
"Excuse me?" she questioned, a hand laid over her heart. The action was too gentle for her personality.
"You're trying way too hard now. This isn't you." He sat up again, straightening his posture to show he was getting serious.
"If I recall correctly, you never claimed to know me in the first place." Her features were hardened, her facade over. He had cracked her code. Soon enough he wouldn't let it pass by him for even a second. He wouldn't ever talk to the robot version of Ness again.
"I have a general idea." He made eye contact with her, his eyes following hers wherever they tried to look. If she looked down, she still felt his gaze burning into the side of her face. She decided to face him head-on, turning brusquely to stare straight back at him. Zayn couldn't resist the smirk that overcame his lips.
"Oh, really?" He nodded. "Fine, believe whatever you like."
"I gladly will." He smiled bright at her and waited for her to return it. She didn't. Too many horrid thoughts were swirling through her mind, the real her that Zayn wanted to know about screaming inside the padded walls of her subconscious. Her hands were tied behind her back, threats spilling from her evil mouth. She never seemed to shut up, always shouting insults and blaming everything on her. The main one was always your fault. And there was no way to shut her up.
Zayn was quiet for a long time, going back to his earlier internal inquisitions about why Niall was still looking around blindly. He followed the same thought process, only to be blocked by the same thing as the last time. If he himself loved Perrie, why wouldn't he search every day and night as Naill was for Amie? He decided to replace it with a different scenario. If Ness was missing, would he still be searching for her?
The inexplicable answer was yes.