adventurous // wolfstar au ✔️

f o u r t e e n

"remus? baby, it's time to go. we're back at the hotel," whispers sirius, brushing the sweet boy's hair back. remus shifts, rubbing his eyes.

"okay," he yawns, sleepily stumbling out of the car and to the door of the hotel. he's literally falling asleep on his feet, to the point that sirius just scoops him up in his arms, fondly trails his gaze over the sweet boy's face. sirius struggles a bit to get the room open while still holding remus, but manages. 

"take his jeans off," james whispers.

sirius turns. "what?"

"dude, sleeping in jeans is the fucking worst."

sirius hesitates. "i don't want him to be uncomfortable if he wakes up and freaks out that he's not wearing pants."

"wake him up and ask him then."

"i'm not gonna wake him up just for that," sirius glares.

james rolls his eyes. "fine, then i will." before sirius can stop him, he's crossed the room and gently shaken remus' arm. "remus, hey, buddy." remus lets out a tired whine. "shhh, i know. is it okay if sirius takes your jeans off? i know sleeping in pants is the worst."

"s'okay," remus nods, still mostly asleep.

"was that so hard?" james asks sirius.

"fuck off," sirius mutters, making james laugh. he gently pulls remus' jeans off of his now sleeping body, and his smile goes even fonder when he sees that remus is wearing star wars boxers. "such a fucking nerd," he mutters fondly, but he slips into the bed beside him all the same. even in his sleep, remus senses sirius' presence, and cuddles into his side.

- - -

when remus wakes up, it's still dark out. he can hear james snoring, and sirius' soft, sleepy breathing. he snuggles closer for a second, presses his cheek against sirius' chest so he can hear his heartbeat. his eyes fill with tears -- god, this is going to hurt.

he forces himself out of the bed, searches for his jeans and tugs them on. sirius shifts, arm blindly reaching in the bed, and remus' eyes fill up with tears when he realizes that sirius is reaching for him. he fits a pillow in the gap in sirius' hold, and sirius goes still.

"please forgive me," remus whispers to his sleeping form. "please, i hope you can someday." he leaves a kiss on sirius' cheek. remus' heart is full to the point of aching. "i love you," he adds, voice shaking. "i hate that i do. it was so stupid of me to...but you're the easiest person to love that i have ever met, and i love you."

he slips out of the room before he can really start to cry. holding the sobs back in his throat hurts so fucking bad, it actually aches in his throat, but he manages to slip back into his and lily's room and snag the keys to lily's van. he knows she's going to literally kill him when she wakes up and finds it missing -- like, literally kill him -- but she'll forgive him.

"there won't be a scratch on it, i promise," he whispers. the guilt is going to swallow him whole, but he just snags his suitcase and leaves the room. 

- - -

sirius is woken up by a knocking on his and james' door. 

"get the door, remus," sirius mutters, squeezing what he thinks is the smaller boy's body closer. "wait. remus?" he opens his eyes and realizes he's holding a pillow and not remus, and he sits upright. "remus?" he calls, louder. the knocking at the door continues, and sirius gets up to answer it. 

"remus is missing," lily sobs, tears running down her flushed face in streams.

sirius' blood goes cold in his veins. "he's what?"

"i -- i --" lily is trembling, and sirius realizes she's terrified. he puts an arm around her and leads her into the room. james, woken up by the knocking at the door, immediately pulls lily into his arms when he sees how upset she is.

"remus is missing," sirius says blankly, pale. he has no idea how he's supposed to respond to this, what he's supposed to do. "oh, my god, he's gone," he whispers, running his hands through his hair. "lily, have you tried calling him? he can't have gone far --"

"he took my van," lily whispers. sirius goes even paler somehow, has to sit down.

"how could he leave?" sirius asks numbly. "how could he...how could he leave me?"

"sirius," lily says gently, getting out of james' lap to hug him, but he shakes his head and walks over to the window. he allows the panic and absolute terror to wash over him for a good fifteen seconds, and then turns back around.

"okay," he says. "let's find him. he probably went home, yeah? where's home for you guys, lily? i never even asked." 

"minnesota," lily answers. "god, you're right. he probably panicked and went home."

- - -

remus doesn't stop driving to sleep.

he reaches a point of driving where his eyes literally ache, sting from being open for so long. multiple cans of red bull litter the floor, and remus sips out of one of three unopened cans. his hands are shaking from being so overcaffeinated, and he's had to pull over more than once to stop so he could cry his eyes out.

his phone vibrates for the millionth time, and when he checks it, he sees that it's sirius again. his eyes well up yet again at the contact picture -- sirius had taken it at disneyland, sirius kissing his cheek as remus beams at the camera. guilt twists up in remus' system at the picture, and he tosses his phone aside.

"please forgive me," he whispers, but he doesn't know how sirius ever could.

- - -

when remus gets home, he goes straight up to his room and goes straight to bed. he's not even tired, really -- not physically. he doesn't even sleep. emotionally, he's exhausted.

"remus," his father's voice yells, yanking the blankets off the sleeping boy's body. remus jolts awake, sitting up immediately despite the fact that his eyes still hurt from exhaustion. "get the fuck up. clean the house," he snarls, and remus gets out of bed and obeys. his body is literally shaking from how tired he is, but he obeys his father, knowing how bad things can get.

he closes his eyes -- just for a second, he swears -- and he pictures kissing sirius again. laying out in the sun, warm all over, safe in sirius' arms. their lips, touching gently, sirius' large, gentle hands touching his face, his neck. remus' fingers tangled in sirius' dark, curly hair, holding their faces even closer together. remus' heart clenches from how much he misses this, how much he loved it.

a smack to the back of the head, so hard that remus' vision goes white, brings remus back to himself. he focuses on kneeling on the ground, scrubbing the floor so hard his fingertips hurt. he hates himself for leaving, despite how right he knew it had to be. this hurt is better than having to hear sirius say goodbye, knowing that no matter how special they are to each other now, it couldn't possibly matter long-term. remus has to let him go, he knows that, and he scrubs the floor as if it's his brain, scrubbing away memories of sirius.

he scrubs until his hands and knees are raw.