memoirs of a depressed teenager

missing someone

i miss you
you know exactly who you are right now
yes
we're talking
inside cyber-space
but it's not the same
as sitting next to each other
on a bed
letting the mattress sink underneath us
i'm unable to hug you
harder than i've ever hugged you before
i'm unable to cry onto your shoulder
no matter how much i want to
hold your hand
i can't
because there is so much space between us
so much space
because I wouldn't be able to
hold your hand
because so much has changed
because i'm not able to be 
casually romantic
because we've talked
and decided it's not for us
and it hurts
i'm not going to lie
it hurts
but it's what we want
...
right?
because i want you to be happy
i really do
but
...
is it selfish that i want to be happy too?
but i could never be happy  if you weren't happy
so i'm just going to be
in a pit of pain?
no.
no i'm not.
i don't know what i'm going to do just yet
but i can't let myself sit here
i know i'm always going to cling to the hope
that you'll like me
that i'll be good enough
one day
i also know i have to stop

breath

take a step back
look at the situation
and stop feeling pain
i can cling onto
a useless hope
a dream that will never come true
a fantasy that is useless to fantasise about
because it's just made up
scenarios in my head
scenarios that will never happen
conversations that will never be reached
like waiting on the edge of a cliff
and not falling off
just hanging
in a moment of desperation
and terrifying adrenaline
because that hope will still be there
and i know that the hope
is stupid
and that nothing will come of it
but i'm still going to hold onto it

because even if i'm not good enough

even if i'm not beautiful
even if i don't deserve you
i'm going to cling to the hope
that one day
i won't need to be