memoirs of a depressed teenager

if i wasnt me

if i wasn't me
who would i be
i wouldn't be me
that's for sure
but who would the new me be
would she
be scared of the world
like I am
would she
hide away
just in case
she embarrasses herself
or gets things wrong
would she say the wrong things
and speak before thinking
but always apologises
far too much
when she doesn't need to
and when she does
she doesn't think to
would she be scared of
other girls
of the things they say
behind her back
would she hide behind a computer screen
and make more friends
through 0's and 1's
than she does by going to school
speaking of school
would she sit in a corner of the classroom
and scroll through her phone
or take quizzes on her laptop
just to avoid
talking to others
because whenever she tries
to talk to the other people
that she is surrounded with
by no choice of her own
she makes a mess
says the wrong things
gets funny looks
and when she realises she
gasps and puts a hand over her mouth
and goes a pin colour in her cheeks
letting everyone know
that she doesn't belong
would this other me
have problems with sport
and catching spheres that fly through the air
like it's a battle ground
would she too have messy handwriting
and have to have 25% extra time on her exams
just to finish
like everyone else
would she be able to dance?
to mover her body through paused space
and distort and manipulate her body
into beautiful positions
and make it look so easy
because i wish i could
would she have a beautiful face
which is always smiling
and eyes that make people stop
and look
and be amazed
would she be thin
with all the right curves
in all the right places
like a model
because i wish i do
would she be clever
and do well on test
and understand maths
and not make a mess
of algebra
and chemical equations
and have a heart made of lead
every time she sees
the drawings she creates
because i do
would she make all the boys
stop and stare
would she make all the girls
gasp and wish
they could be like her
would she fall in love with the right people
and make it seem to easy
to have mutual attraction
because i wish i could
would she be popular
and have masses friends
and go to every party
because i don't
would she be rich
rich enough to have anything and everything
and not have to save up
but also not be so rich that
people look upon her with distain
but with awe
because i don't
would she have a personality
like a cardboard box?
that people use and chuck away
that always dips and breaks in the middle
because i wish i didn't
but would i want to be her?
because would she know weird and wonderful facts
and would she have a harry potter scar on her forehead
from falling down stairs backwards
would she have the small
but incredible group of people
that she can surround herself with
and not worry about judgement
and would she have online communities
who support every word i write
and would she make the dark
and distinctive drawings
i do?
would she dye her hair awesome colours
and would she fall in love with enough of the wrong people
to make the right person really special
would she see that money isn't everything
would she be a beautiful writer
who dances with words
instead of bodies
who twists and reanimates every phrase
to be something different
because i doubt she could
because although if you give
a monkey a typewriter
he'd write hamlet
but that's a mechanism
that's not something that came from the heart
that pours out emotions
it would just be words
without animations
just words
and maybe all poems are just words
but i hope to god that you can see
that this is more just than just words
because if i wasn't me
i would loose all the things that make me me
so i wouldn't be me