The Black and The Rainbow

The Heartbeat

P.O.V. Phil

"Phil Lester, I gave good and bad news. If you would follow me please."

Dan and I immediately stand up to follow the doctor.

"Alone please."

"Oh. Right."

I look at Dan, he nods his head and I follow the doctor to Rose's room. When I walk in I see that her belly is exposed, why?

"Excuse me, but what is the good news you were talking about?"

The man next to Rose turns on the sound on the sologrammachine and that's when I hear it. A heartbeat. It sounds like a thousand horses are running trough this room.

"Is that my daughter?"

"Yes, her heartbeat is stabile at last. She's a real fighter mister Lester."

"She is my little lioness. So what exactly is the bad news?"

"Well we can't keep your wife stabile enough for another five months, let alone for the delivery of the baby. I'm really sorry."

"What? Are you saying she will die?"

"If she has to keep the baby, yes."

"So if I choose to let her have the baby, she will die?"

"Yes, unless she will wake up in a week. It's your call mister Lester."

" I have to choose between my daughter and my wife? Are you really asking me this? When do you need an answer?"

"You have till the end of the week, so till Sunday. Two days to be precise. Please tell us as soon as you have made your decision. That was all, you can go."

I sit down next to Dan who is playing with Thomas.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

"No, not really."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yes, but not here."

"Okay, where do you want to go?"

I stand up and wait for Dan to leave Thomas with my mum. I start walking, Dan behind me and Thomas eyes staring in my back. Without noticing I walk to Rose's room. I walk in and see all the doctors.

"Can we be alone for a moment?"

The doctors leave and Dan comes in. I see his face, he's surprised.

"Why did we come here?"

"Because I wanted you to meet them and I wanted to talk in private."

"Rose is beautiful. I get why you married her. Now what did you wanted to talk about, I mean what was the bad news?"

"The good news was that Tabitha is healthy."

"That's great, right?"

"It is really. But they also told me that Rose isn't stabile enough to be pregnant for another five months and deliver Tabitha without, well, dying. And now they are asking me to choose and I feel horrible because I want Tabitha to survive, but I don't want the death of Rose on my hands. I mean she is my wife."

"Slow down Phil. You are talking way to fast for me right now. They are letting you make this decision? Is that even legal? Probably, but that's not my point. It's okay to be scared, I mean I would be if I had to make a decision like this."

"I just don't know what to do."

I sit down next to Rose, her bed feels soft and nice. The first thought that pops up into my head is that it would be nice to die in this bed. What am I thinking? I can't let her die. Everyone will hate me, including me. I can't do that to Thomas or to Tabitha, letting her live with the guilt that her mother died because of her. This decision is impossible for me to make. I mean I don't want Dan to be hurt, but I also don't want to let my wife die because I think I still have feelings for a guy I broke up with six years ago, and not just broke up with. I left him, I left without telling him exactly why, without even saying goodbye, I left and never contacted him again. With a little help from my wife. I married and I had a son. I never doubted my love for her accept when Dan came up, but maybe that was just because I felt guilty for leaving him. But even if it wasn't, I don't want to take this decision with his influence, I mean I love having him around but I don't know for sure if I love him. Stop. Phil, you can't make this decision by yourself, you need help.

"Phil? Are you there?"

"Yes, sorry. Just bit distracted."

"I just wanted to tell you to stop overthinking it and to go talk to you mum. She always knows the right answer and I she doesn't you know deep down inside. I know you do."

"But what if that feeling is wrong? I can't hurt Thomas and let Tabitha live with the guilt of knowing that I killed her mum for her."

"Why would it be wrong?"

"Because I don't know if when I make this decision I will be influenced by someone."

"Who?"

"You."

"What? Phil? What do you mean?"

"Nothing, it's just that since you've come back I have been a little overwhelmed. That's all."

"Oh. Okay."

I should not have said that. Phil! What were you thinking? You are officially stupid and really bad at reading people. He was disappointed. You gave him hope, you knew he was still in love with you. There is just one question and you have to answer that one yourself. Are you willing to give up Rose for Dan? But before you answer that one, there is one other question. Do you even have real feelings for Dan? But how do you find out? When we lived together it just happend and we accepted it, but now I would have to have an affaire. I don't want to cheat on my wife. I would never, not on Dan, not on Rose.

"Hey Phil, I'll leave you alone, if you need to talk to me I'll be in the waiting room."

"Dan, wait. I'm sorry for what I said. I should not have done that. I just don't know how to feel."

"Oh. Tbh,  you're not making it better. I'm sorry I don't want to come between you and your decision or you and your wife. I'll go home."

"You don't have to go home."

"I do. I can't take this. Seeing you with you son, your mother-in-law and your wife. It's too much."

"No. Please. Don't go."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I run to hug him, He hugs back. And then suddenly I feel it. A spark. I felt it the first time we really touched. That's when it hit me. I never felt this with Rose. The hug seems to last forever. He lets go. I let go. We look straight in each others eyes. I want to scream. Kiss me! Kiss me now! I want to kiss him, but I need him to do it. Because I can't, it doesn't feel right for me to do it. And when I think he goes for the kiss he completely lets go of me and turns around.

"Please, Dan."

"Goodbye Phil."

He walks out the door. He's gone. Again. I let him slip away like he let me slip away. I remember the only thing I wanted then was for him to come after me. To tell me to stop, to come back. Tell me he loved me, trusted me, wanted me. I realize that I only have one option. I look at Rose. I never really loved her, I tried, I really did. I turn around and run out the door.

"Dan!"

Dan turns around, tears in his eyes, dripping down his face. I run towards him and...

KISS HIM

He kisses back and I feel my entire body tingling, he's the one I need, the one I want, the one I wanted for a very very long time. I missed this. We stop, not abrupt but just slowly.

"Phil, why did you come after me?"

"Because I love you Daniel Howell and I will never lose you again. Never."

The tears start dripping from our eyes

"I need you Dan. Now more than ever, because I have to tell my mum I want my wife to wake up over my daughter."

"What?! You just told me you love me and now you choose your wife?"

"Yes, but not because I want to be with her, but because I don't need Tabitha if I have you. You are my everything and I have enough when I have you. I love you."