The Anatomy of a Broken Heart //Completed//

52. Santana

Dad cornered me in the morning forcing me to stay the day. He called the school, excusing me from being absent and telling them they couldn't count this as an unexcused absence if they didn't want a lawsuit. The school nurse called him and told him everything, too much, and he asked me if I wanted to press charges against Farrah, but I managed to convince him it was an accident. Thankfully, he took my word for it, like always, so trusting of us. I could get away with almost any lie. Some would call it bad parenting; I'd call it doing the most with what he got. Dad always did that. Gave me the benefit of the doubt when I was most undeserving.

In the time after I met Jasper, I'd been too much. Difficult. And dad had always tried.

It was until later that I realized I couldn't call it the time after Jasper, A.J., but rather the time after mom left, A.M.L. It was her fault anyway, but I wasn't blameless.

Once, I came home so wired, I was tripping over myself to get up the stairs. I shouldn't have gone home at all that day. I should've stayed away, but Jasper had just left. Left left. It was brief, but it felt like the final time, and I lost my mind. Dad begged me to stop, to get help, to never answer Jasper's call again. Couldn't I see what he was doing to me? That he was hurting me? What dad didn't know was that I was in too deep already. Jasper was rooted in me. He was my old testament, all severity, and tough love, but I remained faithful.  Worshiped at his feet like a Mary Magdalen of a broken suburbia. If he asked, I'd have wept to wash his feet and dried them with my hair.

Dad had grabbed my arm, forcing me to look at him. I could see the way it hurt him, physically, to hold the grip, so I shoved him away hard, wanting him to hurt more. He tripped and fell and was bedridden for a week. It was the first time I'd seen him cry and I immediately regretted it. He didn't let me help him get up, and I was forced to watch him through my own tears, try and fail over and over to get up. The bedroom was too far for him, so he practically crawled to the couch and I was left to stew in my own shame. I swore I'd never again let him see me like that, and to this day, he hasn't. He forgave me too soon, because my father was inherently good and trusting to a fault.

Like he'd trusted Caleb's father, only to be let down again.

Dad wouldn't let me blame Dr. Rosethorn, though, and he wouldn't tell me why he'd gotten booted out of the program. He just kept repeating that he didn't qualify anymore, so they let him go. There was no way they could just kick him out suddenly saying that he didn't meet the protocol. He'd been reviewed and he'd signed the papers. It was a pain in the ass, literally and figuratively, for him to get in and now out of nowhere they were letting him go? Something wasn't right and I knew the doc did this because of me. It was easy to get pissed at Caleb, but I had brought this upon myself and my family. Perhaps, if I tried talking to him, tried to convince him that Caleb was in no danger from me and that I didn't want any of his money, like I was sure he thought, then maybe he'd let dad back in. I had to try.

After I spoke to Caleb today, I went to work. Moises said business had picked up and I had a few days of work to fill to get my mind off everything, including my conversation with Caleb. If he was so happy with the news about Farrah being an absolute lunatic, I had to believe there was something redemptive about her. Something I'd missed in all my time trying to avoid her and her vapid atmosphere. Or maybe Caleb was just as crazy as she was. And maybe I was the craziest of all for giving a damn.

Moises wasn't in the front when I got to the bookshop but he wasn't the only one working. Greg was working the register, busy with a customer, so I tried to sneak past him quietly. Fat chance.

"Hey, honey," he said in that slimy way of his, like the spit which dripped from his teeth. Slobbering dog.

"Not today, Gregory," I warned and walked all the way to the back trying not to look at him. Still, he followed.