Enduring

7

NOTE: There's quite a lot of self-loathing speech in this chapter. I will mark the start, and it goes to the end of the chapter. Please don't read it if it'll upset you ❤ I want you all to feel safe here. If you want a recap, just ask.

Shitshitshitshit I shouldn't have come. Maybe we can go home. Maybe that would work. That would be awesome. Just ask him. Just say, "Cal, I want to go home". You know he'd take you. You know it.

Why won't you ask? Just turn and do it.

My head stays locked straight forward on my too tense shoulders. We're whizzing down the highway at seventy miles per hour in Cal's old Jeep, and the car feels too hot, and my hand is clenching so tightly that there are surely crescent shaped indents on my palms.

Cal somehow notices that I'm going to bruise myself, reaches over, grabs my hand. "Hey, hey." He glances at me, quickly, eyes shiny and almost amber colored im the light, then refocuses on the road. He has a little crease on his forehead. "You alright? You look like you might pass out."

Oh, God, what if I passed out? What if we got to his friend's place and I just barfed on everything? He would me ashamed of me, no doubt. What if I'm an idiot and no one likes me and I'm just weird? What if I get clingy and jealous? What if I do and try to play it off and come off too distant and upset Cal?

We should go back.

But I don't want to disappoint him.

"I'm fine," I mumble, and I try to smile, but I think I just bare my teeth at him. "Just a tad nervous."

"Seymour..." Cal huffs, squeezing my hand gently. "You don't have to pretend. Tell me how you're feeling."

"I- I don't want to be the reason we g-go home. I want you to have fun."

"Okay, but, babe. You're shaking. I won't have much fun if I know you're uncomfortable. Plus, I can always visit these guys another time, or I could drop you home and come back?" Cal glances at me again, which stresses me out even more because he should keep his eyes on the road.

Don't wuss out. Do not wuss out. If you make him drive you home, he'll probably realize what an inconvenience you are. He'll dump you. Just buck up.

"I told you, I'm fine." The smile I paste on is obviously not convincing enough. The crease between Cal's brows deepens. "Really."

Cal huffs, shakes his head, and his hair flounces about his shoulders. "Promise you'll tell me if you need a break."

"Promise." Does it still count if my fingers are crossed?

***

The floor in the house's entryway creaks loudly when I step on it, and I wince. Oh, no, now they'll all look up at me. What will they think? They probably know Cal can do better than me. What if they call him on it? I slowly raise my eyes from my feet.

There are three people, a small group, all lounging on the various mismatched furniture spread around the room. "Yo, Cal." A guy with skin made of midnight nods at my boyfriend from where he reclines, long legs crossed in front of him. He flashes a smile, and his teeth are toothpaste commercial white. "You brought a boy, huh?"

Cal nods, hands in his pockets. If he were lighter, I would probably be able to see him blushing. "Yeah, just, you know... This one is real nice."

"Well, lemme see him." The new voice comes from another chair, this one olive green. The girl in it flicks her curly almost blonde hair away from her face. She glances at me; the gap in her teeth winks at me when she speaks, and I can't stop looking at it. "He shy or somethin'?"