Enduring

10

"Okay. You have the keys?"

"Yup."

"And you called? Made sure they know we're coming?"

"Yes, Sey."

"And you're sure they won't be, like, shocked that I'm Asian, or that I'm a guy, or anything, right?"

"Babe." Cal places a hand on either of my shoulders, halting me mid pace. "Yes. I'm sure. Stop worrying." He pulls me closer, tucking my head into the space just above his collarbone, and whispers, "Everything is gonna be fine. They'll love you, and no one will be nervous, and we'll have a good time. Okay?"

Yeah, sure. That's a nice dream. And then the facade will shatter, and they'll know I'm weird, and everything will fall apart. "Okay."

Cal presses his lips against my forehead, so softly that they barely feel real, and takes a few steps towards the door. "Just be yourself."

Be myself? What is myself? Who am I? Who am I not? Am I the same as I used to be? This would not have been a problem a few years ago, but I am much different now, aren't I? How can I be myself if I don't even know who I am?

I trip on the way to the car and barely manage to stop myself from head butting the window. "Be myself, sure." The air is just barely too warm to be comfortable, and I can feel sweat beginning to gather in all of its usual haunts. "Are your parents nice? Or, well. Your mom?"

"She's..." Cal scratches his head, looking at me over the top of the car. "Um. She can be a little surly, but she's sweet at heart."

The nice way of saying, "My mom is a total bear, but I still love her very much." I focus my energy on opening the car door and flopping inside. "Oh, okay. Um, should we have brought anything?"

Cal smiles at me, puts his hand briefly on my head. "No, we're good. Stop worrying."

At this, he ends the conversation by turning his head and starting the rumbling engine of his old clunky car. I've no clue what the model is, nor do I really care, but the engine is so loud that it's nearly impossible to communicate. Cal does send me one more smile before pulling out, though, which sets me a bit more at ease.

See? You're doing okay for now, aren't you? This will be fine. If not for your sake, at least try to be okay for him. It's not worth it not to be. You know just what he'll do, too. He'll give you that sad little smile that does nothing to hide his disappointment, and then he'll give a wider, more apologetic one to everyone else, and you'll go home and be upset.

Don't upset him. You know he's patient, and he's a good guy, but even the nicest guys have their limits.

"We're about halfway," Cal yells over the vibration. "You ready?"

Halfway? If I'd known his mom lives so close, I would have stalled more back at the house. I give him a thumbs up and a smile that feels more like a defense mechanism than anything else. But, he smiles at me in a soft, golden way that says he'd be kissing me if he wasn't driving, so it's okay.

Everything is fine.

The rest of the car ride flies past in a blur of scattered tree silhouettes, and we end up in the driveway of a little house too quickly for my liking. Okay. Shit. Just don't puke on anything or anybody. "So. We're here," I announce shakily once Cal had cut the engine.

"Yeah, this is it. How are you doing?" He leans across the median to stroke my cheek, and I hope he can't see my Adam's apple bobbing.

Well, Cal, I'm about two seconds away from a panic attack, I'm sweating more than I ever have and can't remember if I put on deodorant this morning, and I sort of want to cry. Other than that, I'm just swell. "I'm fine," I smile. "Don't worry. Keeping it together."