||{Barba's Student}|| COMPLETED

Paranoia

     What was I supposed to do at that point? Sit there like everything was fine? Olivia's kid was hurt because I persisted upon this whole damn investigation. I sat there for days, not getting out of bed.
     Noah recovered just fine, but I was locked in my room for a couple days at that point. Barba had tried everything he could to get me to come out.
     "(Y/N), we know it isn't your fault, please come out!" He banged and cried at my door. He cared a lot about me, even though we weren't together. I'd never seen him cry before, and it hurt me beyond explanation.
     "Barba, I said leave me alone! I'm done! I can't keep this fucking investigation going if people close to me are having their families damaged!"
     "Please, (Y/N) listen. Please."
     "BARBA STOP! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE DAMMIT!" I screamed and cried as I heard footsteps recede from my door. He was gone.
•
     I couldn't forgive myself. I walked out late at night, when I was sure Barba was asleep, and got food and something to drink, then I walked back in my room and shut the door tight, locking it afterwards. I wasn't starving myself obviously.
     "(Y/N)?" I heard a drowsy voice as I opened the refrigerator door.
     "What?" My voice was cold, but tired.
     "I'm sorry." That was all he said. He looked up from his table, stared at me with the most mournful look I'd ever seen him masquerade, and just said those two cold, regretful words, "I'm sorry."
     "Don't." I slammed the door shut, and walked over to the couch. I had to admit, his company was soothing even if he was across the room from me.
     "..." he said nothing and stood up.
     "Don't apologize for something you didn't cause. I don't want people to apologize to me for that shit. It's a waste of your breath."
     "I'm sorry for you. Not for me."
     "Wow Romeo, way to shove the dagger deeper into my fucking heart." I spoke with a sarcastic, irritated tone.
     "You did that to yourself, Juliet." He spoke seriously, as if trying to be an asshole and give some smart-ass, douchy comment back, "you fucked your feelings up yourself."
     "By diving too deep into curiosity and almost getting a child killed."
     "By stopping."
     "What?"
     "By giving up."
     "I don't know if you were there or not, but Noah was hurt because of me!" I stood up and slightly raised my voice.
     "You're letting those fuckers win if you give up! It's your first case, and you're already proving what a damn good lawyer you really are!" He spoke sarcastically again and with a bit of disappointment.
     "What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
     "That you're weak! I saw something in you, and I still see it, but you're letting it slip away! You're going to let these people continue to do this and for what? Because you don't think the damn FBI will have your back?! Do you see how much we all care? Don't you see that we have risked our lives for people being hunted by serial killers, sex traffickers, dark net communities, and even people threatening to get us fired and possibly killed? Do you think that we'd draw the line when someone we care about is in trouble?!" He slapped his papers down on the table, "You lock yourself in that damn room, don't come out for days but to perform functions you need to live like eating and going to the restroom, as a punishment for risking yourself. The fact that you worked so damn hard is inspiring, but when you throw it all away, that's cowardly. That's weak. It's wrong. I believe in you, (Y/N). I do. But for God's sake, believe in yourself."
     "What the hell of you see in me, Barba?"
     "Courage. I see more courage than I've ever had. And you're letting such a gift slip through your fingers like water you that you rinse the dirt off with. You could do so much more with your courage, and wash away that fear, that dirt."
     "Why should I try? It's useless if people will keep getting hurt."
     "Why are you a lawyer?"
     I was shocked, "To give people justice."
     "Then fucking do it then." He slid his folder over to me, and walked into his room.
     "Do your job." He shut his door and I sat there, shocked at the whole lecture, and stared at the door.
     "Why do I like him?" I whispered, Why do I love him?
A/N: I TOLD YOU ID MAKE UP FOR THE LAST CHAPTER IM LOWKEY PROUD OF THIS ONE OMG