Five Seconds Later

Chapter Thirteen: The Moment

The shovel was roughly thrust into the ground, the earth shifting to mold itself around the curve of its spade. Cas squared his shoulders for a moment, feeling the sharp twist of pain as he did so. He had been digging for an hour now at least - it looked much easier to dig such large graves on television. 

Dean was slouched over by the Impala's left front tire, staring dazedly off into the distance with a bottle of beer in his hand. Cas glanced at Dean for a moment, the heat stirred by a listless and faint breeze before settling back on him again.  The Impala was grumbling lazily as music thudded out of its pulsing radio, the beat fluctuating and waning in a soothing way.

"Cas."

"Yes, Dean?" Cas drove the shovel into the ground again, feeling the sweat that had been beading on the edges of his forehead begin to trickle down his cheeks. Beside the grave he was digging lay Kevin's body, pale and lifeless in the harsh and unforgiving light of day. Meg was already buried, a makeshift and ungainly setup of twigs and her leather jacket marking the place where she lay.

"Tell Sam to get out here." Dean grunted, setting his beer back onto the grass beside him. "I need to talk to you."

"Can't it wait?" Cas set the shovel down next to the grave, scanning the near distance for any sign of Sam. He knew that Charlie had been organizing a run to Wichita with him and a few others, but he wasn't sure if they'd left yet.

"No." Dean paused, looking for a long, unbroken moment at the bottle he had set aside, before picking it back up again and taking a decisive swig. "Now."

"Alright." Cas winced as he heaved himself out of the grave, which was only five feet deep. It took him a moment to scramble out with the mess of a trench coat he was still wearing, despite the heat. "If you insist."

Cas took off down the small cement path to the bunker, taking a cautious breath of air. The bomb in Wichita didn't appear to have been nuclear, but they had noticed an influx of walkers in the last few days. The beasts were likely traveling out of Wichita toward California, hitting this area along the way.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" Garth jogged up to Cas' side out of nowhere, holding a small, squealing piglet in his arms. "Is Dean okay?"

"Yes, but he wants me to take a break." Cas sighed, surveying the small animal that Garth was holding. It was young - almost too young to have been one of the ones they picked up earlier. Garth noticed his suspicious glance and laughed heartily, balancing the writhing piglet in both hands.

"One of the pigs we grabbed from that farm up the road was pregnant," he smiled. "She gave birth a few hours ago to a bunch of little piglets, but this was the only one that made it."

"Who else is here?" Cas narrowed his eyes, trying to refocus on his task without appearing rude to Garth. The piglet squealed noisily, causing Garth to fuss over it for a moment before replying.

"Well, Sam just took a big group up toward the city to see what they could find. I think it was him, Charlie, Lacey, Mandy, Ellen, and Ron. I could get Bobby to give you a break, if you'd like. The only other people here are Jo and Katharine, but Jo's busy doing inventory of what we have in the kitchen."

"That would be great." Cas breathed a quiet sigh of relief. "I'll go tell Dean."

***

It was an estimated twenty minutes later that Dean and Cas both walked through the bunker door together, their footsteps slippery against the cement. It was wet from being scrubbed vigorously by Sam, who had insisted on doing it himself.

"What was it you wanted to talk to me about?" Cas shed his trenchcoat on a nearby hook, feeling a massive weight lifted off of his shoulders. The air around him felt cool and soft - he took a deep breath, unafraid.

"We need to talk in my room." Dean lowered his voice and eyed a nearby trash bin, playing with the bottle in his hand.

"Why not here?" Cas thought about snatching the bottle away and tossing it into the bin, but he shuddered at the memory of what had gone down when he had tried that maneuver last.

"Just come on."

One door shut and a heartbeat later, Dean was standing only inches away from Cas, his green eyes focused and unfocused at once.

"Do you love me?" He whispered, the lines around his eyes worn and his smile, tired.

"Of course." Cas tilted his head just slightly, trying to convince himself to be at ease. He could feel each puff of breath as Dean breathed, each wave that radiated off of his freckled and sun-kissed skin, and every beat that sounded from his nervous heart.

"There are things..." Dean took a moment, composing himself. All of a sudden, that tanned and gorgeous deity was gone and replaced with a shivering, pale, and frightened man. "Things I want to say to you. Things I want to do with you. I'm not sure there's time anymore. After Kevin... Meg... we are so close to death, every minute of every day. We could die right now, we could die tomorrow. I want to spend a lifetime with you, as long of an eternity as I can manage, but it's impossible. I don't even know where to start, if I could."

"You can start now." Cas let himself lean in just a little, standing precariously close to Dean. They were so close now, their foreheads touching and their noses a whisper away. "Don't waste the time we have together, on this day, in this month, in this year. It may be numbered, but it's no less perfect."

"Give me a minute." Dean paused, closing his eyes, and drew a soft and hushed breath that silenced any noise or distraction in the room. For one beautiful, perfect moment, the two of them stood there, arms relaxed at their sides, foreheads touching and noses brushing. They were simultaneously connected and apart, their minds peaceful and thoughts quiet.

"I love you, Cas."

There was a short beat of silence, one that was comfortable and warm. Cas opened his eyes and stared into Dean's, allowing himself the luxury of a small smile. He moved his arms from his sides and placed them on Dean's shoulders, keeping his eyes focused so that Dean was all he could see.

"I love you, Dean," he whispered, and just like that, the moment was over.

As the two of them left the room, side by side with hands eager to be intertwined but forced to be stationary as they passed a busy looking Jo, Cas knew it would be okay. Even if they died tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that... as long as whoever survived longer could remember the way they felt during that moment with any sort of vivid imagination, they would be alright.

He could still feel the buzz of it in his bones, the life in a body torn by grief, the sparkle in eyes becoming dull. He wanted to thank Dean for the moment, but it was nearly too late. Jo was just behind them now, scribbling away in a notebook, and she wasn't looking. Instinctively, impulsively, his hand reached out and bumped against Dean's with a purposeful nudge. It happened in a heartbeat, scarcely a second, but it was monumental. Dean reached back and grabbed hold of Cas' hand, lacing his fingers between Cas' and giving him a little squeeze of appreciation.

"When the night has come, and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light we'll see..." Dean hummed quietly as they walked toward the main room, his voice echoing in the hall. "No, I won't be afraid, no, I won't be afraid, just as long as you stand, stand by me."

Cas joined in, a real and genuine smile spreading across his face as he remembered how it had felt to share that moment with Dean days ago. They had been standing in the light from the kitchen chandelier and singing the song together, only having just begun to see each other in a new sort of way. If only life could be a series of remembering such sweet, perfect moments, savoring them in your mind and looking back with vivid fondness.

"And darlin', darlin' stand by me, oh now stand by me." Cas sang, his voice gravelly and rough, but Dean gave him another squeeze of the hand, and it was enough to keep him going. This time they tried to sing in unison, and though Dean was off beat and Cas off key, it still managed to be the sort of perfect only love, with all its acceptance, can discern.

"If the sky that we look upon should tumble and fall, and the mountains should crumble to the sea...

I won't cry, I won't cry - no, I won't shed a tear...

Just as long as you stand, stand by me."