Five Seconds Later

Chapter Eighteen: The Broken

Dean didn't eat dinner. He sat at the table with everyone and listened to Charlie regale her story of how she rolled under the bar and hid until the walkers were all obliterated by her new friends, Anaise and Tyler, but he was obviously disinterested. No one had told him that Charlie had been assumed dead, and it was going to stay that way.

Cas continuously tried to make eye contact with Dean, but his efforts came to no fruition. Right after the meal was over, Dean left without waiting for dessert, which was unusual despite his depressed mood. Sam shot Cas a knowing glance and gave him a barely perceptible nod. Cas nodded back, setting his fork on the table by an untouched slice of pie.

"Excuse me." Cas pushed back his chair, trying to be unassuming, and left the room in the direction that Dean had. No one seemed to notice – Charlie was introducing Anaise and Tyler, which had everyone else captivated. By the time Cas had turned the corner, he could already see Dean's figure fading into the distant hallway.

"Dean, wait." Cas called, tripping slightly over his own feet. His shoes were much too big, and he knew he would need a new pair soon.

"Cas, leave me alone." Dean replied, his voice echoing off of the bunker walls. Cas dared to go closer, his footsteps loud against the cement floor.

"No," he said, narrowing his eyes as he came to Dean's side. Dean was motionless now, standing there in silence. "Please stop pushing me away. I want to be there for you. I'm... I'm your boyfriend, for crying out loud."

"Keep your voice down." Dean hissed, his flash of anger fueled by mounting despondence. "I don't want the whole world to know."

"Sam already knows." Cas blurted, which earned a haughty look from Dean. "He's okay with it, but-"

"Cas, for once... could you please just listen to me?" Dean turned away from Cas, looking downward in a dejected fashion. He was walking again now, heading toward his bedroom. Cas had to jog to keep up. "I need to be alone for a while. Please go."

"I've tried my best to be everything you've ever wanted me to be." Cas cried out, not caring how his voice carried down the hallway and toward the dining room. Dean stopped in surprise at Cas' outburst and turned, his green eyes shining with anguish. "I've been trying every day to be there for you, to tell you that I love you, and all that has gotten me is here, where you won't tell me what's wrong and you don't love me anymore and-"

"Hey!" Dean grabbed Cas' arm, his eyes narrowed. A single tear escaped from the bleak sorrow he was keeping inside of him, and he paused to brush it away. "Who told you that?!"

"You... you didn't say it back." Cas was crying unashamedly now, tears rolling down his cheeks. He was blubbering like a child, his face red with emotion. "You haven't for a long while. You won't hold my hand, you won't sing with me, you don't want be around me, you-"

Cas was ready to go on, but he was caught off guard by Dean, who kissed him so suddenly that Cas barely had time to react. After a moment, Cas pulled away and busied himself with wiping the tears from his cheeks.

"What was that for?" Cas took a deep breath, and it came out shakily.

"I still love you, Cas." Dean lowered his voice and slid his hand down from where it was resting on Cas' sleeve to his hand. "It's just been hard for me. I feel like Jo's death is my fault-"

"It isn't."

"Hear me out." Dean laughed, rubbing away another tear that had tried to make its way down his face. "I feel so responsible and it hurts like shit. I don't want it to be this way between us, but every time you try to do something nice for me, it just makes everything worse. It was fine before, but now I feel like I owe you, like I'll never deserve you. I'm not-" Dean paused, his face red as he tried to restrain his misery. "I'm not worthy of being your boyfriend. It's easier if we just... if we just end this now."

"Dean, no..." Cas instinctively reached for Dean and settled on resting his hand on the latter's face. "Dean, if anything, I don't deserve you. I never thought someone like you could ever love someone like me, and it's been so hard for me to grasp that I just want to keep making up for all that I'm lacking."

"I don't think you lack anything." Dean didn't bother to wipe away the next tear that fell, or the one after that. "You're my everything, Cas. I just want to be good to you, and I'm failing, and I-"

"You're not failing in the least." Cas gave him a little smile, and leaned forward slightly. "I think you are one of the most wonderful people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing." He kissed Dean's forehead, and waited a moment before continuing. "I'd be honored if you'd still be with me. I want to help you. We can do this together."

"What if you give up on me?" Dean was shaking, and his eyes were closed now because there were too many tears to bother with. "W-What if you decide I'm not worthy, or good enough, or deserving, or any of it... what if you decide you don't love me anymore? Then what do I do?"

"We're going to trust one another, okay?" Cas kissed Dean's forehead again, letting his lips linger on the dozens of freckles that adorned it. "Starting now, we trust that we will always love each other, no matter what."

"I can't." Dean whispered. "I'm broken, Cas. No one can love me."

"See Dean, that's not true because I do love you." Cas pulled back and stared into those beautiful green eyes, ones that still shone through all of the sadness. "I'm broken too."

"We're a mess." Dean tried to laugh, but it got caught in his throat with the knot of tears. Cas laughed for him, waiting a moment before pulling him in for a hug.

"I love you, Dean." Cas murmured, resting his chin on the edge of Dean's shoulder. He could feel Dean's heart pulsing rapidly away, and it began to slowly calm the longer they stood there, wrapped in the other's embrace. "We can be broken together."

"Okay, Cas. T-Thank you... for everything." Dean buried his face into the fabric of Cas' trenchcoat, trying to calm his shaking. "I'm sorry I didn't say it earlier, b-but... I love you too."

They stood there for a moment, cradling one another in this mess of a hug, and Cas began to hum softly, feeling a sweet, blissful peace fall in the place inside him where worry had been before.

"When the night has come.... And the land is dark..." he began, picturing the melody in his head as he hummed along. "And the moon is the only light we'll see."

Dean stepped back a little and slid his arm, which had been wrapped around Cas' back, down to the waist of his trench coat. "No, I won't be afraid, oh I won't, be afraid..." He sang, his voice low, perfect, and raspy from the sadness still residing in him. Though it was still heavy and very present in him, Cas could tell was fading with every word of the song.

Cas stepped backward and then forward again once he had figured to set one hand on Dean's waist and the other on his shoulder. Just knowing it was helping Dean heal was enough to encourage him to continue. "Just as long as you stand, stand by me," he finished, swaying back and forth as the peace replaced every bit of doubt that had swirled in his veins.

"Darlin', darlin', stand by me... stand by me, oh, stand by me." Dean's voice was still shaking just slightly, but with every passing moment, it became more steady. "Stand by me."

"Whenever, you're in trouble... won't you stand by me..." Cas closed his eyes and leaned against Dean, rocking back and forth from one foot to the other. "Oh stand, stand by me."