Just Off The Key Of Reason (Pete Wentz/Mikey Way)

5: One Day We'll Get Nostalgic For Disaster

I miss him. And I hated the fact that I did more than anything, because he's Pete fucking Wentz - I shouldn't miss him, I should hate him, I should loathe him, I should despise him, yet I can't bring a single cell in my body to do so. My body barely functions in anything over than loathing and extreme methods of procrastination.

The darkness ensnares me and I love every minute of it, and I feel like a liar to deny that, but one of prejudice to proclaim it. I don't like to feel alone, but this alone has comfort and it smells of nothing in particular, just scents that blend in every day, and it smells like scented nothing - it's delightful.

But Pete Wentz crosses my mind against, and I end up forced into dropping my trivial thoughts regarding scents of my darkened room, and I end up realising just how far into insanity I've fallen.

I haven't just dipped my toes; the current's swept me away entirely. I feel foolish now, but I blame it on sleep deprivation, because I haven't got the heart to point the blame otherwise, and otherwise meaning Pete Wentz, because I always end up blaming him somehow, but only now do I realise that he never deserves it.

I just can't bring myself to forgive myself for this, because somehow Pete fucking Wentz had put a magical spin on it so the whole ordeal is magically my fault again, but what should I expect - he's Pete Wentz and he does that, and even when he's past me, he will continue to do that, because I'm just another guy to him when he was and somehow still is my whole world. It’s sickening, and I feel so used I want to rip my lungs from my rib cage and out my chest.

Part of me just desperately wants him back, and I'm simply doing all I can push that part as far back into the derelict corners of my grey matter as possible. Despite this, it just doesn't go away, and a find myself lost in a mess of paranoia and heartbreak, and fucking Breaking Bad box sets and everything else that screams Pete Wentz like some sort of sadistic foghorn.

My room was only illuminated by the desk lamp, and I hadn't got a clue as to what time of night it was, due to the smashing of my phone as Pete tried for the third time to call and make things better. I couldn't accept the calls, or even see the text messages on my home screen, and it bothered me as the missed calls added up, and I didn't want that, in fact, I simply couldn't take that. It was slowly destroying me, so I destroyed the cell phone.

It was just an object, and I was a human heart, shattered and in a million glass pieces, slowly tearing the fabrics of reality apart, because why not. Why not? Why not tear the whole apart for Pete Wentz? If I can justify it within the frames of my own mind, then somehow it seems fine within the harsh reality out there, and I think that scares me, because with a mind like mine, I find myself just everything and anything these days.

Justification is yet another form of misjudged self-acceptance, and I'm blind to just about everything holy now. I feel the darkness like a friend and the world does nothing but hurt. Perhaps it's the insanity. There does seem to be a reason as to why you shouldn't lock yourself in your room for prolonged periods of time, but now I don't want to remember it - I simply want to rot away with insanity and its legion of demons dressed in angel’s robes.

I think maybe this is insanity, but insanity is madness, confusion and fear. Madness is when man becomes animal, and animal becomes man, but I'm just lost and awfully sad, so awfully sad.

I should've learned not to get attached by now, but I'm a stupid guy stuck inside a stupid head, living in a reality where I'm pretending to be sophisticated like the rest of the world who seemed to have structured everything on people’s opinion on you.

Sometimes I wish I could be Gerard; I'm not sure if now is one of them. Gerard seems to accept madness, embrace it really, and he doesn't pretend he knows what he's doing, because half of the time he doesn't. And he's just a stubborn mess that's far too arrogance regarding his feelings for Frank, and despite the fact that Gerard isn't the most desirable of humans to be, at least he's good at being him.