Suicidal Love

Tuesday

The next day, I woke up with Izzy staring at me, crouched beside my bed. Her smile was as wide as it could get and her eyes hinted me toward the conclusion that she was feeling extremely hyper. "Izzy.", I continued, "What are you doing here, watching me sleep like a psychopath?", she laughed and replied, "I was waiting for you to get up. We need to talk about yesterday.". I sighed with exasperation and rolled my eyes. "What is there to talk about? I already came out to you; What do you want from me?". "Who were you trying to impress yesterday? You almost always wear the same exact ensemble every day, and I can't remember the last time you wore hair gel." "It's none of your business.", I replied, annoyed. Now she rolled her eyes, "Alec, you know very well that you tell me everything that goes on in your life, and plus-", she continued, "-you know I can keep a secret.". She winked and leaned in closer when I sighed again, now in defeat. "Who is it?", she persisted. "His name is Magnus.". I didn't even notice myself turning beet red until I rubbed my hand over my face, bidding the sleep to leave, and felt my cheeks warmer than expected. She giggled at my surprised expression which made my cheeks turn even redder. She was obviously trying to hold in laughter at that point. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, to rid the deep red tint from my cheeks. "Tell me about him.", she demanded, smiling. "Well, he's glittery, has amazing hair, and is definitely into me..... I think.". She laughed at that, and put her hand on my arm. "I'm sure he is.". She suddenly stood up, "Now, we'd better hurry and catch the bus so we're not late.". I nodded and also stood. She continued with a smirk, "And so that you can leap into your boyfriend's arms as soon as physically possible.". I glared at her and she broke out laughing. "Izzy, stop. I really like him, ok? Like really REALLY like him.". She stopped laughing and stood closer to me. She rested her hand on my chest, "I know you do. Now go get 'em tiger!". I snorted, "I'm not a tiger, but thanks for the pep talk.". We laughed for a second, then started getting ready. 'I hope I see him again.', I thought to myself, pondering how much trouble I'd get into for texting him in class.

∘〇♢〇∘

    That day, I didn't see Magnus until lunch. At my school, some kids eat in the cafeteria and others eat outside. When I joined the line getting their trays, I noticed a certain crush sitting at a table in the far back of the room, all alone. Still uncloseted and nervous of how he may react if I rush into a relationship, I noticed a spot at a table near his where only a couple people were seated. Luckily, they were both casual acquaintances of mine and I decided that it wouldn't be too awkward sitting next to them.

    Once I finally got my tray, I made my way over to the empty seat, one positioned in such a way that I wouldn't have to crane my neck to steal a peek at Magnus. "Oh, hey...", greeted a redheaded girl that I recognized from art class. I remembered complimenting her on her stunning comic strip. "Alec.", I said, as I sat next to the only other person with her. "I hope I'm not a nuisance. I could move if it's weird.", I offered. "No, no, it's fine.", she replied with a smile, "The more the merrier.". I smiled back and glanced over at the guy sitting next to me. I recognized him from theatre, the "easy A" elective I had chosen last year. We had been paired for a spontaneous improv show and had two minutes to brainstorm ideas. He was hilarious and we paired well, the teacher granting us with an A+. "Sup.", I said, wondering why he looked so pissed that I was here. That's when I realized, they were together as more than just friends, or at least that's what he thought, "Seriously, if it's a problem, me being here, just say.", I reminded them and when no one objected, I began eating, concentrating on my food. After a couple casual discussions with awkward undertones, I took another bite of my mashed potatoes. As I chewed another bite of my food, I took the opportunity to glance at Magnus. His sleeve was rolled up slightly, just enough for me to see a few, scabbed lines on his wrist. 'Wait... are those-', I wondered before being ripped from my thoughts by a Clary who was asking for my opinion on who was the best character in the Star Wars series. This lunch, she and Simon had been playfully debating movie-related topics and utilizing me as their tiebreaker. "Luke Skywalker, obviously.", I replied, not caring at all because I'd never even watched the movies, but I'd overheard Izzy obsessing over him on the phone with her fellow fangirls. She didn't care to show it, but she was a complete nerd when it came to sci-fi. Posters of tardises, vulcans, and of course, Luke Skywalkers adorned her bedroom walls, and unless the friend she was planning on meeting up with was a total sci-fi freak like she was, she always insisted on going over to their house as to not reveal her double life. I smirked, thinking about how in sync she would be at this table, arguing over enterprise captains, death stars, and things that were bigger on the inside.

    That night, as I was getting ready for bed, thoughts about Magnus emerged from the back of my mind and I wondered about those scabs... Were those really cuts? He seemed so confident and comfortable with his sexuality, considering the always-present glitter in his hair and the cat-eye contacts he wore almost every day.

    I fell asleep worried about him, so I shouldn't have been surprised when I dreamed of holding him, lightly kissing his forehead, telling him that everything was going to be okay.

    His dreamy eyes looked up at me, hope and innocence piercing into my heart. He reached up and caressed my cheek. I leaned into the caress and he kissed me passionately on the lips, I kissed back and pulled him closer. Stumbling, we found our way to a couch, but all I could see was his beautiful hair, glittering in the natural lighting shining at us from a wall of windows to our right. He was slowly unbuttoning my shirt, hot breaths against my neck, when....

    I awoke, in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. My heart was beating fast, and I had to take a few deep breathes to calm myself before falling back asleep. 'I'm definitely not straight.', I thought to myself as I drifted back to sleep, smiling at the thought of my beautiful Magnus.