Suicidal Love

Saturday

 'Fuck!', I yelled inside of my own head, how could I be in the same place I was just a couple days before, sitting at Magnus' bedside, waiting for him to wake up? Every time I looked at him, my eyes were drawn to his bandaged wrists and a jolt of emotional pain shot through the pit in my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up, I couldn't see him like this. Earlier the day before, he had told me how much he had to live for. Later that night, he had attempted suicide. Again. The doctors had now concluded that it was something deeper than what we thought, that he could have depression so strong that even a relatively mild incident like what had happened the night before could trigger a suicide attempt. I'm now constantly worried about him, afraid that he could do it again, and that I may actually lose him.

I was awoken from my thoughts when a heard a groan from Magnus. "I'm here.", I said eagerly. He opened his eyes, but didn't look especially happy to see me. "Why?", was all he said in response. No "I love you.", or even a "I knew you would be.", but instead a "Why?". "Because I love you.", I replied, confused. He rolled his eyes, "I meant why are you here, in a hospital, when you should be at the morgue, mourning?!" "Ady found you in the bathroom and I told her to call 911..... I won't let you kill yourself." "WHY?!", he screamed, tears suddenly falling down his cheeks. "What if I WANT to die?! Why are you so... so... SELFISH?!" I stepped back in shock. I couldn't believe what he had just said to me. I knew that he wanted to kill himself but I didn't know that even I couldn't keep him from doing it. Would he really rather die than be in a relationship with me?! I felt terrible. "I-I'm sorry I'm such a burden to you...", I said, my own tears forming around the edges of my eyes. I swiftly fled the scene, ignoring him as he called my name, the volume of his cries growing with every step closer to the exit. For once, I was the one that wanted to die.

∘〇 〇∘

The tip of the blade pierced my skin, sending pain shooting all the way up my arm. The sudden sensation made me feel alive and I forgot my drama with Magnus. The exhilaration of the first cut was exciting and made me thirsty for more. I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and continued, drawing long cuts across my wrists and right thigh. Each time, I almost swore from the pain, then I smiled as I watched the blood ooze out. I'd suddenly frown and almost cry again, reminded of Magnus and repeat the action. Eventually, I had cuts from both wrists stretching up to both of my inner elbows and a line of long cuts along my right thigh and a few little ones on my left. I was tired and covered in blood, so I stopped, wiping off the blade and rinsing off the blood that was all over my arms and legs. Once I was cleaned off, I rummaged through my suitcase and found a sweatshirt and some sweatpants. Usually I'd wear a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans, but each of those would annoy me to death, constantly brushing against my cuts. I had just finished getting dressed and cleaning all of my blood off the floor and sink when Marshall walked in. I ventured out of the bathroom and into Magnus' bedroom where he was sitting on the bed. "Hello?", I greeted, wondering why he was there. "Hello, Alec. Could you please sit down for a moment, we need to talk." "Okaaayyyy....?", I said, confused. I sat next to him and looked at my lap, awkwardly fidgeting with my hands.

"I think you should leave.", he stated, skipping right to the point. "Wh-what?! But I don't have anywhere to go!", I stuttered back. He shook his head and continued, "I know you saved him once, but he's only getting worse now. Thank you for your help before but it's time for you to go. I'll even pay your rent if you get an apartment, just please.... Leave.". I felt like I was about to cry, but what he was saying made sense. 'I'm killing him... The one person I've ever truly loved...'

, "Okay.", I replied, voice cracking, "Just let me find a place first, at least.". He nodded, "That is acceptable. I'll meet you here tomorrow morning. You have until then to pick a new home.". With that, he stood up and left the room, door shutting noisily behind him. 'I guess I'd better get on Homeadvisor...'.