Suicidal Love

Thursday

   His hand was limp in mine as I traced the wrinkles in his knuckles. I had been sitting there, at his bedside all day and night since they had given me access to his room and I was just about to take another bathroom break when I felt his finger twitch in my hand. I scanned his face, looking for any sign that he was waking up. Surprisingly, his eyelids began to flicker open and before I could restrain myself I let go of his hand and leaned over him, hugging him tighter than I ever had with anyone before, as I'm not much of a hugger. At that moment, however, I couldn't hold back. I had been waiting for so many hours for him to wake up beforehand, that it was practically impossible for me not to hug him. Honestly, I really felt like kissing him, but I managed to have enough self control not to.

    He looked up at me, then around the room in a panic. "Wh-where am I?", he asked frightened. "You're at the hospital, Magnus.", I replied, a small smile forming on my lips which I then bit, forcing myself not to kiss him. My voice was gentle and suddenly insecure, I wondered if I sounded too gentle. He was about to say something when I suddenly blurted, "Magnus, I love you.". I gasped, covering my mouth with my hands. I had no intention of saying that. 'Fuck, oh fuck! Crap crap crap crap crap!', I scolded myself. "I'm sorry. I had no idea what I was thinking.", I said, before turning around, about to flee the scene. He reached out and took hold of my arm, making me turn back towards him. Surprisingly enough, he didn't look angry or even surprised, instead his expression showed a twinge of happiness. "Alexander...", he continued, "I love you too.".

    I was speechless. "Wh-what?", I stammered, stepping towards him. With a chuckle, he replied, "Alexander, I love you.", before breaking out into a wide smile. By that point he had sat upright, and was now looking straight at me. I couldn't hold back any longer; my lips crashed into his, rushed yet hesitant at first, but then calm and passionate as he kissed me back. I pulled away, breathing heavily. His eyes looked ravenous as he looked at me, his expression appearing half surprised as he smiled. With a laugh, he said, "And you're a good kisser too.". I smiled back, managing a quick "Thanks, I guess.", before I leaned back in, hungry for more. His hand held the side of my neck as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, allowing me room next to him. I sat, grateful for the space, and he shifted, his torso facing me, as to be in a less awkward position. He did this in between kisses, and I now easily deepened our current kiss. This somehow triggered something within him as he pulled me even closer, his right hand at the base of my skull, and his left at my waist, and traveling downward.

    I don't know how it all happened but somewhere along the way, our intimacy elevated and my shirt was off before we were interrupted by a nurse. "Oh my god!", she exclaimed, dropping the plate of hospital food she was holding. "Fuck.", I mumbled, mortified. He snickered at that comment and I hit him playfully on the arm. I climbed down off the bed (and him), and apologized, stuttering, "I-I'm so sorry...". She was still frozen and I was about to ask her if she was okay when she mumbled, under her breath, "Freaking faggots", before storming out of the room.

    I looked back at Magnus, and remembering when the captain of the football team yelled that word in his face, I was suddenly filled with rage. Sprinting out of the room after her, I could just barely hear him calling my name. I ignored it, however, and caught up with her. I stopped her and grabbed her by the collar of her shirt. "What did you just say?!", I yelled in her face. She was now obviously frightened and I felt a twinge of guilt. "F-f-faggots...", she replied meekly. Suddenly, I heard Magnus, "Stop, Alexander!", he yelled from the doorway. Realizing what I was doing, I dropped her and took a step back. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.", I said, tone quiet. Coughing, she replied, "I should have known better. You're all terrible people.". I was about to cuss her out when I felt strong hands pull me back. I looked behind myself to see Magnus holding me back. "B-but Magnus-", I started. "I know what she said.", he cut me off. He repeated this again and again as he directed me back to his room, keeping me from hurting her. He sat me down on his bed and sat next to me. I knew then that there was no chance of further romance and therefore felt a twinge of guilt. He began to speak, a little slowly, like as if he was trying to pick the best words for what he was trying to tell me,"I've been out for a long time, Alexander, and I know by now that retaliating only makes things worse.", he said, looking down at his hands that were resting in his lap. "But what she said-", I began, furious. "I know what she said and she had no right to say that, but, Alec...", he interrupted me, calling me Alec for the first time, "... That doesn't give you the right to do that. Be the better man, okay?". I nodded. I kind of understood, but mostly, I was just doing that so that I wouldn't have to argue with him any more. I didn't want to argue; I just wanted to be with him, as a boyfriend, or at least a friend of sorts. "Um, Magnus..." "Yes?" "Magnus, do want to be my..." "Your... boyfriend?", he asked, finishing my sentence. "I swear you know me more than I know myself.", I said jokingly. He laughed before saying "I tend to have that effect on people.", before leaning towards me, his lips contacting mine with a gentle passion. I broke the kiss to persist, "You still haven't answered my question.". With a chuckle, he replied, "Of course, I'll be your boyfriend, Alexander.". He smiled and so did I and for a second, I forgot that we were in a hospital; A hospital that we were in because I had just saved him from committing suicide.