Suicidal Love

Wednesday

As I got dressed, all I could think about were those cuts I saw on Magnus' wrist. Were they really cuts or did he just have a particularly mean cat? I had to know for sure, so it was then that I decided: I'd be sitting with Magnus at lunch that day and nothing was going to stop me.

∘〇♢〇∘

    When I finally got to school, I had the use the bathroom because I didn't have time at home. I entered the restroom nearest to the front doors of the school building and picked a stall. As I used the toilet, I could hear someone's voice. Crying. Oddly enough, the voice sounded quite familiar and I found out, when we both exited our stalls at the same time, that the familiar voice was that of Magnus. Concerned I asked, "Is everything okay? I heard you crying.", as I washed my hands. Hastily wiping away his tears with his sleeve, he replied, "Oh, it's nothing." "Why would you be crying in the restroom if it was nothing?", I asked skeptically. I knew he was lying and I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach at the acknowledgement of his pain. He opened his mouth like he was about to reply, but a hitched breath interrupted his attempts, and I could tell that he was holding back tears. "I want you to know that you can be honest with me. I won't rat you out to the whole school or anything. I just genuinely want to help.", I assured him, hoping to help him to understand that I was on his side. My eyes traveled down his arm, and I could see a drop of blood making its way down his wrist. Suddenly, my eyes were drawn back to his face as his features twisted up and he let a few tears escape, rolling down his cheek. I rested my right hand on his shoulder and at that, he couldn't pretend any longer. He stepped closer to me, burying his face in my sweater. I could make out a muffled, "Thank you.", against my chest, his breath making my skin tingle underneath. "Any time.", I replied, tracing circles along his shoulder blade.

∘〇♢〇∘

    During the course of that day, I was eagerly awaiting lunch period. I just needed to see him. My brain kept telling me that he was in trouble, that he needed my help, but all I could do was sit there, at my desk, failing to concentrate on my homework. When lunch period finally came, I was so relieved at the thought of finally seeing him, that I was the first one out the door as I rushed to the cafeteria. My eyes scanned each lunch table, searching for his face somewhere in the crowd, but no matter where I looked, I couldn't see him. Once I had my lunch tray at last, I heard a commotion outside, and instead of sitting at my usual spot in the cafeteria, I wandered out there to see what all the excitement was about. I looked up, at the roof of the school building, following the gaze of all the other students around me. Shocked, I dropped my tray, as my eyes fell on the last person I'd wanted to have seen on that roof except for Izzy... Magnus, blood dripping from his wrists, tears flowing down his face, was towering above us, the toe of his left shoe inching its way off the ledge. I let out a repressed cry. He looked over at me and I saw his mouth open in terror, realizing how much he was scaring me. He furrowed his brow in a way that told me, 'I don't want to hurt you.' before backing up, his sneaker unseeable from where I was positioned. 'Don't do this.', I pleaded in my head, screaming at the universe to not let this happen; to not let this amazing man, who I'd known for less than a week of my life, who I already loved so much, die right in front of me. I knew I had to do something, so before I knew where they were taking me, my legs were sprinting around the school, to the other side of the building, where I'd seen a ladder, leaning against the wall of a nearby shed earlier that day. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating, and everything felt surreal, like I was somewhere else, like none of this was real and I was in some virtual reality.

    Once I had reached the shed, I grabbed the ladder, grateful of its presence and drug it over to the wall of the multi-story school building in front of me. There was no way I'd be able to reach the rooftop with it, but a fire escape, its ladder drawn up and folded beneath it was only a few feet above where the top of the ladder would be, and there, I'd be able to reach the ledge, and hopefully pull myself up. I knew it was a long shot, but I'd never felt this strongly about anyone, ever in my life, and I knew I couldn't just stand back and watch this happen.

    Cool metal against my trembling hands, I unfolded the ladder and climbed, ignoring the sticker near the top that told me not to go any higher, and with all my strength, pulled myself up, onto the small platform that was supposedly a fire escape, although I saw no way that it would help in an actual fire. I reached as high as I could and my hands made contact with the ledge of the roof above me. By the way, I must have failed to mention, but I am just a tad bit afraid of heights. I mean, I can manage the roof of a one-floor building, but a three-floor building was too much and I was reminded of that as I instinctively looked downwards and felt my heart drop to my feet. I became lightheaded as I saw how far the ground was below me, but I quickly reminded myself how much was at stake, and with new-found adrenaline, pulled myself up onto the ledge. I looked down, for only a second and realized how much it would hurt if I were to fall. I gulped and turned my head to my right, hoping to see Magnus, still alive and breathing, not yet a corpse, blood spattered around it, on the hard cement below him.

    I finally breathed again, after I don't know how long, when I saw him, standing there, two small pools of blood to either side of him, (There were many cuts on both of his wrists.). I held my breath again, however, when I saw that he was about to jump, the toes of both feet, looming over the edge, his eyes closed, arms outstretched. "No!", I screamed. He ignored me and inched just a little more towards his death. I sprinted, as fast as my legs could take me, and practically tackled him from the side, ripping him away from his fate, and holding him close as I backed away from the ledge, bringing him far away from danger. I laid him down, hand still holding his head, unable to let him go. He looked up at me, a small smile twitching at the corners of his lips before he gagged. His hand touching his throat in a surprised response. He looked away from me and towards the sky, just before his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he started to shake, violent convulsions flowing through him. White foam seeped out of his mouth and his arms flailed out around him, trying to find something to hold on to. I took his hand in mine and leaned over him, "Magnus, it's okay, I'm here.", my pleads increased in worry and fear, however when he began to lose even more control rather than falling calm, "Magnus, Magnus, stop it!", I cried, pulling him up into a sitting position. Tears falling down my cheeks, I barely heard the sirens when an ambulance, firetruck, and police car, the whole deal, rolled up into the parking lot. All I could focus on was Magnus, his hand gripping mine so hard it hurt and his head thrusting back and forth. I felt powerless, unable to do anything to help him but be there. Eventually, a couple paramedics climbed up the ladder extending from the fire truck and rushed over to us. I resisted as they tried to pull me away; I wouldn't leave him, even though his fingernails were digging into my skin. The paramedics gave up at some point and worked around me, strapping him onto a stretcher and lifting him up. I followed them, down the ladder of the fire truck, and ran into the ambulance before they could close the doors. I refused to leave him and they knew by then that their efforts to separate us would be in vain, so they let me come with little to no argument. The rest was a blur; the ride to the hospital was horrifying and I barely noticed as hands rested on my shoulders, a paramedic telling me that I did the right thing. My head was swarming and I was doing everything in my power not to faint right on the spot. One thought was what kept me upright: 'I love you, Magnus'.