Protection

Chapter 19

TRIS POV

A week. It has been a week since Tobias left. A week since he screamed at me to get out of his way so that he could abandon me for reasons I still don't understand.

At first I was desperate to get in touch with him. Unfortunately, there has been no response to my efforts of getting in contact with him. I stopped spamming him with texts and phone calls on day three when I realized that he was not coming back or changing his mind; he is obstinate, and if he didn't return within a few days, he probably would never.

It almost feels like someone I love is deceased. And I guess that makes sense because he is, after all, far away from me and unable to be found. That is what I believe, at least. I highly doubt he wants to be anywhere remotely near me.

The worst part is that I don't know what I did wrong. When he was acting strange before our fight, I assumed that I must not have pleased him—or something to that effect—when we became intimate. That was not the case, thank God, but even though it turned out that it was him with the problems, I blame myself for him leaving. Guilt has been festering inside him and spilling all of his secrets did not seem to help; I still don't know where I went wrong to make him believe that I am not someone he can trust.

The thing is, I am not angry with him. Dauntless took advantage of him, and although he has made some unwise choices, I don't believe that this whole situation is his fault, especially since he woke up and started rebelling. Sure, he has made mistakes, but haven't we all?

And he certainly did not have to walk out on me because of them.

I honestly have no clue how to deal with this loss. If this was some fling, like the one I had with Peter, I would call my former best friend so that we could watch chick flicks, eat ice cream, and cry together. Cliché, I know, but that used to be my way of coping.

But Tobias and I did not have a shallow relationship, so acting like a teenage girl does not do this breakup justice. The misery of losing my elation cannot be soothed by anything, really.

So basically I spend every day curled up under my covers, sleeping when I can and crying in between. I am glad for once that my parents are gone on another business trip; they don't have to see me like this and ask questions. Caleb is too busy looking for a job and hanging with his friends to notice that something is deeply troubling me.

For the first time in my life, I feel completely and utterly alone.

Which is bizarre when it comes to me. Here I was thinking that because I was popular and had expendable friends it meant I wasn't isolated. I was under the false pretense that I would never be alone, until Tobias came along and changed the definition of "friend" for me.

What's that saying about how you don't realize you have something until it is gone? Well, I did recognize that. The sole good thing that I can find in this situation is that I did not take having Tobias for granted.

Maybe that is why it hurts so much. I know how much joy he brings me, the heights he can take me to, and I know that I will not be getting that back.

So I suppose that is why one day my feet drag me out of bed and downstairs to the ballroom; if I can't have our relationship back, then I can try to relive it. At this point, I am desperately seeking for any sort of relief, and this could be it.

I bring a fluffy blanket that traps the warmth around me, and my phone. Rubbing my weary, swollen eyes to clear my vision a little, I plop down on the floor, the blanket still wrapped around my shoulders. It feels like I need it there to constantly be a shelter for me.

Because I don't have my shelter anymore.

Staring off into space, my mind takes me back to the night of the party my parents threw, which feels like a lifetime ago but was only a couple weeks earlier. That had to have been the most perfect night, ending with Tobias telling me he loves me.