I'm not sure about the year, but it was a pretty long time ago when I heard my first My Chem song. I was probably around eight years old. I remember that I was playing a video game, something with racing and dirt bikes. House of Wolves was playing in the background and I couldn't help but play the song every time I played the game. It was so damn catchy...
I didn't have a music playing device or internet at the time, so I was stuck with having to listen to the song with the sounds of revved engines and car wrecks in the background. As soon as I got an cheap iPod Nano, I bought the song and literally played it for at least a week straight. I knew all of the words by then and sang it constantly.
My cousins were goths and metalheads at the time, so they decided to let me hang out with them since I decided to darken my wardrobe, adopt sarcasm as my new language and play music that wasn't shitty. For once, I had someone to hang out with during the summer. But, you know how good things work in life. They're gone almost immediately. I got dumped by my cousins when they got boyfriends and got addicted to coke/meth/heroine/etc.
I had one friend though. I was fine, I suppose.
Come the 3rd grade though, I gained two friends who eventually stabbed me in the back. This is where my depression started.
I dealt with it for a while though, all the way until 6th grade. That was the year that my entire personality flipped. I discovered real music. I dyed my hair bright colors and dressed in all black. Of course, this made me a target for the assholes at school, but I didn't give a shit. I was happy for a while.
But shit happens, ya know? Mental disorders are developed and people change. I had anxiety and depression and insomnia and I was bulimic and suicidal and just ugh, okay? Not fun. But I dealt with it for another year.
7th grade sucked the most though. Definitely. This is when the self-harming really started. Great, right? Cutting and burning, beating and starving myself... you name it. I tried tons of shit to destroy myself. I hated who I was and wanted to end it all.
I gained another friend over the internet though, so I thought things were going good for a while. But, family troubles started up then. My dad would start leaving the house randomly and not come back for sixteen hours at a time. He said he was just going to town, but who leaves the house at 9 AM and comes back at midnight? Seriously.
Yep, he was cheating. He had been for years. Worst part was that my mom knew about it and didn't say anything. I found out in a not-so awesome way though. My sister was crying next to my bed one day in the summer before 8th grade. I woke up and she said that Dad had left and that my parents were getting a divorce.
I was so shocked. I couldn't even comprehend anything. I threw on some shoes and just ran outside, not looking back and ignoring my sobbing mother's protests. I ran for the woods and eventually collapsed. That didn't stop me from picking up a bat and taking my anger out on a tree though. I actually hit that tree so many times that it fell down, blasting Asking Alexandria the entire time. (The song was A Prophecy, which really got to me when it says, "You never said goodbye.")
Life continued though, new scars were added to my already-cut skin. I was the biggest daddy's girl ever, and for him to just leave me without saying goodbye... It put a major dent in me.
Guess what though. My mom forgave him. And he moved back in. Everyone forgave him but me. I never moved on. Dad would try to talk to me, but I would blow him off. Still, I was hurt and angry inside and I needed to let my anger out in ways that weren't on myself. So one day, when my jackass father sneezed, I decided to say, "Screw you," when my mom told me to say bless you.
He snapped at me.
And this was the day I attempted suicide. I was going to, anyways. My parents were going to leave and I was going to down a ton of pills. They took me out though, me sobbing and blaring Bullet by Hollywood Undead, and all I ended up with was several dozen gashes on my legs.
Things were back to normal after six months or so though. But right after Christmas, guess what I found out?
My dad had left again. And when he left, he stole all of our stuff. We had nothing.
My mom fought for weeks to get it back though. They screamed at each other for hours on the phone and I tried blocking out the yelling with music. It didn't really help though. I was beyond broken by then; I couldn't do much more than cry for hours on the floor. We didn't have money and we were going to be homeless, soon. We couldn't get food stamps, either, which sucked.
My dad was living it up though. He had a job and money and a new family. We were actually friends with the woman who he left my mom for. She has three kids and I go to school with all of them.
My dad got violent though when my mom demanded that she change the locks back on the house. (She changed them so he couldn't break in and steal our shit.) He tried breaking in though, which meant fighting and a ton of bullshit. He stole my dog.
Literally. He picked up my six-pound Yorkie and drove off with her. What an ass.
Later on, the jackass called the cops because my mom wouldn't let him in the house. We hid in the closet and pretended not to be home. Later when my dad tried breaking in the house, my mom called the cops and had him arrested. I watched my dad be shoved in a cop car and be taken to jail. I didn't even feel bad for him. I did get my dog back though.
But since nothing can go right in times of desperation, guess what happened?
My mom took him back again. Seriously. And he still lives with us. I still hate him.
But I'm probably rambling and you're probably wondering what this has to do with MCR. Well...
Since that shitty year, I've been suicidal on and off. Mostly on. I eventually got OCD and PTSD and possible bipolar disorder, so I got locked up in a mental hospital for a summer.
There was only one band that I played the entire time I was there. Since then, I've been obsessed with My Chemical Romance.
Their lyrics are so meaningful. They were the only reason I was alive at that point in my life. Not only are their songs amazing, but they have actual meaning. There are so many things I can relate to in just a single album and it amazes me. Plus, all of the guys are the best kinds of people imaginable. They're original and they actually give two shits.
I hadn't really been into writing or art since Elementary school, but as soon as I heard of "art is the weapon," my life changed again. I got back into writing and started making art. I've made dozens of stories since then. Even if I haven't finished them, My Chemical Romance still inspired me to use something positive against my demons. When I'm feeling down, I'll go and blare something from the Revenge era instead of slitting my wrists.
Though my scars are still on my skin, they show that I've fought in a long, hard battle and came out victorious. I won, dammit, and it's all because of a band.
It's not just the music though, it's reading through the quotes and watching interviews and scrolling through pictures. I've learned that being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It just means that you've decided to look past all of the bullshit. Perfection doesn't exist; nothing is ever perfect. Normal doesn't exist because everyone is different. I should be myself and love me for who I am. I shouldn't change myself just to fit everyone's demands.
Even now, I have problems. Everyone does. When I'm feeling in a particularly shit mood though, I blast some MCR and I'm fine after a while. I create stories in my mind that are centered around the band and that cheers me up. Being on Wattpad with so many people who aren't judgmental and share a common interest is simply amazing.
I will be forever grateful to this band. The t-shirts and albums and posters aren't enough; I want to get lyrics tattooed onto me eventually from one of their songs.
I am a Killjoy and I am proud. I have a family that will love me for who I am now: the MCRmy. And even though the band is gone now, we'll keep running.
