I remember very well how I was introduced to My Chemical Romance.
One of my friends had this addiction to songs that had ‘Mama’ or ‘Mother’ in the title or lyrics. She had therefor found the song ‘Mama’ from MCR, and she played it quite often. I fell headfirst in love with the song. The lyrics just fitted me so perfectly. I still remember how the phrase ‘Mama, we all go to hell’ got stuck into my brain.
The reason why this phrase caught my attention is quite complex, so I shall keep it short, since this is not about my life. At that point in life I had experienced child abuse and psychological terror and my foster parents used it on me every day to keep me under control. For this, I simply hated them. I wanted them dead.
I do remember standing on the same friend’s balcony in the middle of the night, singing ‘Mama’ for everything I was good for. I do remember people passing by underneath me looking at me ugly for singing such a song. I also remember that I didn’t care what people thought of it. The song expressed my feelings.
I remember that the next song I got introduced to was ‘House of Wolves’. Again a particular line stood out, this time it was ‘Tell me I’m a bad man, kick me like a stray’. I have always believed that the way my foster parents treated me was my fault. I meant that I deserved it all. For every name they called me, I would tell myself that I deserved it. After all of it, I believed them. I was a whore, a self-centered bitch, emo, a shitty person, a liar, a freak of nature.
The next songs from them followed soon after. ‘Teenagers’, ‘Headfirst for Halos’, ‘Thank You For The Venom’ and ‘Cancer’. All of them stuck with me. After all of them, I got ‘Life On The Murder Scene’ and ‘The Black Parade’ CDs.
This was during the period where my depressions hit for the first time. I have been suicidal for most of my life. I think my first attempt was when I was 6, but when it mixed up with depressions too, it only got worse. This is where MCR helped me. Their songs told me to stay strong, to keep on fighting, and to not let the bullies or my parents get to me.
Unfortunately, I didn’t stay as strong as I wished. I was soon worse, I started to self-harm and I planned my suicide. I felt ready to leave this world. I had enough of the way my foster parents treated me.
What pulled me through was MCR. The way they always there, telling me to pull through. It was then I realized that I needed help. I didn’t want to disappoint the band that always told me to stay alive. I started slowly to reveal what was going on to a school nurse. She told the Child Services that was in charge of my case. They sent me to a therapist. I went there for 6 months. During those months, I had my worst breakdowns. I could often be found in a pile on the floor, crying uncontrollably, shaking. This would keep up for hours.
On one particular day, I had a huge fight with my foster mom. I do not remember too much of it, or rather, I don’t want to remember. Though, I do remember that I called the Child Services, begging them to take me away. It was my last cry for help. While I waited for them, I cut three deep cuts with the scalpel that my foster mom had let me buy. You might not think this is bad, but to me it was. When I self-harmed, I always made sure that it was just in the surface so it wouldn’t be any marks after it. Not that day. I remember that I was the one that opened the door for them. I do remember them taking one look at me, at my arms that where covered in blood up to my elbows, and telling me that if I ever did that again, I would be put in a mental hospital.
I didn’t get any help though.
It took me about three months after that to move out. I moved out two days before I turned 18. I moved in to my biological mother, believing that I was now starting a new and better life. I have never been so wrong in my life.
What followed was one year filled with her stealing all my money and putting me in debt to banks and credit companies. That, and daily death threats. To get me to act how she wanted, to do what she wanted, she would threaten to kill me. It might sound totally crazy, and you may ask yourself why I believed her. I’ll tell you why. I have seen her almost killing her own boyfriend. I know she’s capable of it. So I did everything. I didn’t ask when she started to deal drugs. In fact, I was so scared that I helped her. I now feel very bad about it.
When I finally broke free from her, I moved. I moved two hours away from her, hoping to create a new life for myself. To one point, I have made it. I have gotten some control over my life. I do have work, I go to school again, after I dropped out, and I do have some friends. I have an ongoing case against my mom, and I’m going to file a case against my foster parents. I have gotten stronger.
I still have my depressions, they will never go away, but I am learning how to deal with them. I’m seeing a therapist every week to help me, since I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, a product of the mistreatment from my foster parents.
I still have to deal with suicidal thoughts. They are getting worse, but I have decided not to give in. I don’t want to give in anymore. I know how much it hurts to be the one that’s left behind after that. Three of my friends have committed suicide the past year, so I do know how it feels. I don’t want to inflict that pain upon my dearest in life.
My Chemical Romance, they have helped me through it all. There’s a song for everything. There’s always a song that tells exactly how I feel. There’s always a quote that helps me through one more day.
They have helped me through all these years, and they will help me through many more.
