As a kid, I never really had a genre of music I adored. My siblings both listened to horrible rap music, curses and filth just lining the choruses. Early on I knew I hated that genre, earning glares when a kindergarten me would whine about how my ears were going to implode.
To say the least, they weren't too happy when stuck in a car with me, forced to put in a Beach Boys or Beatles CD so I wouldn't complain. My brother would even occasionally play Green Day and Blink 182, which I actually really liked.
It was 2008 when I heard my first song from My Chemical Romance, the video having been in my YouTube suggestions.
The title was "The Ghost Of You."
With my headphones plugged in, I clicked on the link, immediately falling in love. From the guitars to the lead singer screaming near the end of it, everything was just amazing.
I remember playing it on repeat, not even feeling annoyed after the 100th time.
Whether it be right at that second or a few days later, I had searched the band name up, curious as to what other music they had to share.
In the end, that is a decision I will never regret.
I had learned names, basic details, and even their place of origin (my home state of Jersey; which was actually pretty cool to hear).
The first album I completed was Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, that pertaining to be my utmost favorite one.
As the days passed, I began listening to their music more frequently, hiding out in my parents' bedroom or finding isolation elsewhere. I was always a shy child, as I am to this day, I never liked to socialize or was able to find comfort amongst others.
I never shared my music genre with others, having witnessed how people who did were treated, that select group being called "emo", "freaks", or even "faggots".
Everyone else in my school listened to main stream music and dressed normally. I was young and stupid at the time, so I pretended to like what everyone else liked, even though it was just a giant facade.
I was afraid of being more rejected than I already was. I only had one friend, later on in life the rest stabbing me in the back.
To say the least, I was an oddball and I didn't want to make it worse for myself. I already had self esteem issues and a very low confidence, growing to the point in which it was nonexistent.
As time passed, I got into some other bands, those being Fall Out Boy, Paramore, Green Day, etc. It brought me comfort, I enjoyed the lyrics and the way it sounded.
It was different, unlike tunes on the radio that all sounded the same.
It had been 2010 when my love for music deteriorated, me doing nothing more than just going through the motions.
My parents had gotten a divorce, which was extremely messy. My father had done some really horrible things, some that I still haven't forgiven him for.
I remember my mother telling me the news in such a cold tone, my young self crying in the hallway and just wanting to pull my goddamn hair out. My older sister had to coddle me, her also reduced to tears.
She had been the one to find out my father's misdoings, looking through his phone and even eavesdropping. As my parents began to fight more and with her added evidence, everything just crumbled.
I was listening to music in my parents' bedroom when it occurred. My dad stormed in, taking clothes and whatever else he needed, ignoring my question of what the fuck he was doing, although I never worded it like that. He just got into his car and proceeded to leave.
Throughout the years, my father wouldn't be home for hours at a time, claiming it was work related when deep down I knew it wasn't. He would leave at 6-5 AM, returning at midnight or just not at all.
He wouldn't eat with us at the table and just ignored his children all together. With the added quality of a pathological liar, to which he has done to my face, our relationship was never great.
Wanna know the worst part?
I met the woman he was cheating on my mother with. Her name was Carla, some young Spanish woman who could hardly speak English. He told me she was just a friend who he was helping out at the time.
Yeah right.
After my attitude towards him became more bitter, he tried to win me over by forcing us all to bond, also going to the extent of trying to buy my love.
That of course didn't work, although my inner hatred for him was only shown occasionally, me screaming at him from down the hallway and refusing to call him.
I never understood why he would do this, lying and acting like an asshole all these years. He would speak in a whole other language on his cellular to Carla, purposely so no one would understand his words.
After that, my dad moved out, and to this day I truly don't know where the fuck he lives, although he visits me sometimes during the week.
My mother would bad mouth him all day long, telling me things my ears should have never heard. She would yell about how much he lied, blaming him to the point in which I was crying. That resulted in me alienating my father, things that I should have never heard I was told.
Me, who was at the time a 9 year old girl.
Her words left a dent, especially since after all that she expected me to love him no different.
I couldn't.
I didn't.
My brother hardly came around anymore, as he always did, and my sister's attitude had gotten even worse.
She would push and make fun of me, sometimes even slapping me over something so stupid. I knew by then not to get on her bad side, although at times she could be really nice.
My mother never reprimanded her, even when I came crying and yelling about how my sister would scream at me over the littlest thing. She didn't defend me, nor told my sibling to stop.
As for my brother, he would come and go, staying at college or going over at a friends house. I never had a relationship with him, he's always just been...there.
It was 2011 when everything got even more fucked up, practically shredding my innocence and blissful ignorance.
That was also the time in which I figured out I had severe mental problems, me, a 10 year old little girl having to solve that puzzle. Self hatred overwhelmed me, as did the harm that I caused to my own body.
I didn't have the chance to have a real childhood, which made me more mature, something that shouldn't have happened so early.
In the end, music was the only thing that gave me the willpower to improve my life. I began listening to My Chemical Romance again, along with many new bands. Their words and quotes made a huge impact on my life, helping me when my family in the next room couldn't.
If I had the chance I would change some decisions I made as a kid, the choices being too major for a 10 year old to comprehend. Although I kept my story somewhat vague, I just want to say that it's never too late.
I've been getting better and I hope others do too.
I will always be thankful for My Chemical Romance, the band that saved my life and many others.
Some of the greatest people I know today wouldn't be here without them.
I'm a KillJoy and proud. I will love this band until the end of time, even though they're not together anymore.
Thank you, My Chemical Romance
- Rorschach
