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Is this how everything turns out in the end? An endless cycle of falling down a dark hole?
Yuuri never considered the emotion of love until the Great Victor Nikiforov, and even then, it was the love a fan had for an idol. He looked up to the man he watched every day and grew up with on the television, a distant relationship he never imagined of pursuing.
There was also the typical love for your mother, father and siblings. Yuuri had it for his pet dog, which he later experienced as grief when he passed away.
But the love he's felt with Victor in this present time is one that confuses him, one that has both parties hesitating before they speak and many spirals of emotion and reconsideration seem to pop up.
But was it only him that was feeling this way? Did Victor feel confused and troubled often around Yuuri? Was there also the feeling of not being of worth to the other person deep in Victor's heart?
Yuuri thought that this feeling was okay, that it was normal for Victor to love him and suddenly leave him behind, and it felt like a regular thing for the other to do. It made Yuuri realise how much he needed the other, how he didn't and couldn't have any other support than him.
He felt lonely and isolated sometimes, yes, even isolated on the worst terms where he'd want to end it all- but there was still something that held him onto Victor, something he couldn't explain.
Other people must've felt the same because Yuuri was surrounded by it.
It would follow him whenever he was alone, or with another who he whom was suspicious of. It would fall from his eyes when he was overloaded and pounded with vile words- It would pump through his body when it was filled with joy.
Many times Yuuri found this painful, but on many other terms, it was an addiction, something that happened to him so often that it ran through his bones, an energy source he didn't know he needed until it was entirely gone.
The first time he met this feeling was at Hasetsu Castle back in Japan. It hurt when he felt it then, and he slowly became aware of it as it happened over and over.
"He didn't mean it, Mari!" Yuuri exclaims as his older sister storms through the hallway, each step heavier than the other as she ignores her younger brother's cries to stop her. She was in no mood to stop, though, as she approaches the man's sleeping figure on the floor and raises the baseball bat over her head.
The cigarette in her mouth falls out as she opens it to scream out the heavy, heartfelt word, "DIE!" as the bat comes crashing down onto the figure now sprawled on the floor, shaking from the impact.
Yuuri looks back at his sister with tears streaming from his eyes, his mouth quivering as he tries to form the words he intended on speaking previously before his sister ignored him.
The baseball bat immediately slips from her grasp and her now empty hand clamps over her mouth as her expression reflects her brother's, tears falling from her reddened eyes in a ball of sorrow, the endless feeling of grief crashing against the walls of her mind and a hurricane of regret comes to her realisation, and she falls to her knees before he crying brother and holds him close to her own body.
"I'm so sorry, Yuuri-" She cries, sprawling herself on the floor as she screams and screams, tearing at the hair on her head as her brother's mouth leaks the pure, crimson liquid she wished to see on the man behind her brother.
Her brother's eyes widen at the sight of his sister and he immediately reacts by reaching his hands out, hoping to stop her, "Mari, no-"
"Yuuri..." She repeats over and over until the household lights turn on and their mother and father approach from the hallway, they too were screaming at the sight of their youngest child on the floor, and their oldest cradling herself beside him.
That night in the hospital, Victor hadn't even opened his eyes during the whole fiasco. Either he was much of a heavy sleeper or he was too afraid to confess of what he'd done to Yuuri and his family's budget.
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Yuuri raises his head very slowly and meticulously as he processes the words just spoken by the man before him, not caring whether or not the hundreds of people looked at him strangely for his bloodshot eyes and tearstained cheeks, the smile plastered on his face as he gazes into the other's cold, blue eyes.
Not a single emotion crosses said other's face, but he simply stares into Yuuri's eyes, blank and bland as they shine in the glaring yellow light of the buzzing airport.
Their flight was due in 5 minutes time, but Yuuri felt no intention of leaving behind the man that used him in many ways possible before disposing of him like this.
Scenarios play in his head of how he may be rejected on the spot if he was to be taken off guard or pushed back down to the level he already felt he was on.
But by no means did he want to take a step back from the opening he was given just now, and he didn't hesitate when he took the opportunity to give the final blow to the darkness that caved into him every day and night.
He'd want it to retaliate like he'd done these past 9 months in the face of the moment he was given the chance to rise above and make his confidence shine.
With that last part, he removed the ring he hand on his finger and returned it to Victor, no more words exchanged as Yuuri grabs his luggage and casually strolls to the exit where he looked forward to returning to Japan without the anchor he's dreaded to see every day since he realised.
He didn't want to see Victor until he had the gold medal.
